Not all fiction

I am having a hard time getting this done today. It isn’t for any obvious reasons like no topic ideas or not in the mood or feeling rushed. I re-read a piece I had written way back in June of 2008 and it has made me pause.
It was an interesting piece. I found a printed copy stuck in the back of the binder I have been using to keep my book notes organized. It shouldn’t have been there and I don’t remember ever printing it much less putting it there.
I was taken aback by what I had put on that page.
It was that strong a piece. It was bold, direct, and almost in your face with never a raised voice. It could be a new way to approach writing character sketches. The character itself did the talking and told you who they were. And this particular one did just that. You didn’t finish reading it without a crystal clear picture of this person.
I remember some discussion at the time of the writing of this piece that it reflected too much of myself. I always defended it was fiction. It was and is fiction to me. But re-reading it now, I have to honestly admit to many similarities to me and this character at the time. I can’t seem to believe I captured so much of it so accurately and to the point. I flung it out there and it all landed in the right places.
It would be curious to go line by line to try to analyze the exact statements. I can read through and know exactly where it all came from. A psychiatrist could have a field day with me – or maybe I with him. That could be an interesting exercise.
But I think the main reason I am having difficulty now about finding that strong piece from so long ago, is not so much the similarities between me and the character but to find the underlying sparks of determination and confidence. I was amazed to find out that I knew and had it then. Somehow, somewhere I have managed to cover it over and pretend those parts were fiction. I flung it out there, letting all the positive goods parts loose, and then said they were all fiction. I guess that is why I printed it and tucked it away knowing I needed time to realize it had always been there when I was ready for it.
It is so hard to compete against yourself. I can’t even go back and say no, I didn’t do it because I printed it and put it there for me to find…to prove it to myself when I got there and was ready.
I can hear my mom again… “Sometimes you’re just too smart for your own good.”
Yes, mom. I think this time you would be right.
TT