Outage

I've been dragging most of this week. I'm not exactly sure why.

My power just went out. I heard the loud boom from somewhere outside and everything is now dark and very quiet. My laptop switched over to battery and I'm still operating...just in darkness and this weird quiet. Blast. Hope it doesn't take too long to get straighten out. It's a good thing I don't usually sit down here until I'm ready to head out the door to work. Looks like I'll go ahead and do that now since this seems a little out of the ordinary working here without power.

Later.

TT

Get there already

It's the middle of the week and I'm not quite sure how I got so tired yesterday evening. I say I don't know because it was a little unexpected but I also think it was more mental than physical. I mean, how could it be physical? I haven't been to the gym or worked out in...hmmm...let me see...do I really want to count how many days? It's been too many days and I can rationalize that I need a break, that I had pushed myself too hard before. The truth is I seem to go all out or nothing at all and I need to find a balance somewhere in-between. Good luck!

Ah well. I pack my gym bag everyday. I have everything ready and in place to get myself there but my motivation runs out by the end of the day. They say you should work out first thing in the morning and it's done and you feel accomplished. I tried that and it was not working for me. It was too much to remember all the things I would need to get myself to the gym, then showered and dressed to make it to work. I would always forget to bring something from home that I needed to finish dressing...like underwear, or shoes...one being more noticeable than the other. It became stressful. I like working out after work. It just works better for me. If only I could get myself going again. And I will, because it must be important or I wouldn't be talking about it and trying to figure it out. It should be so simple. I've already got the bag packed and all I have to do is show up.

That seems to be the hard part. Showing up. I'll work on it.

TT

New Music

I've been listening to some new music lately. I think I should say I'm always listening to music and I've discovered some artists that are new to me. I've really been enjoying them and you will find me plugged into my satellite radio in the car, streaming pandora on the laptop on the kitchen table or with my ipod at my desk or while running (whenever I decide to get back to that-soon, soon).

So these new artists all seem to be from overseas and have explicit lyrics. It must give me a mysterious grin when one of these play over my ipod while I'm sitting at work. I know yesterday when listening at work to a new download a song called D**khead came on. It was a soft, acoustic guitar rendition that picked up a little emotion as it went along and had a really good violin back-beat. Too cool. Of course there is always another favorite on a different CD by another artist called F**k You. Again, it's a sweet melody pretty much spelling out how she feels...F**k you very, very much...in a mild descending note progression. Like I said, too cool. I'm having too much fun with the music. I'm having too much fun finding new artists and listening not only to these songs but others. They tend to give me ideas. Ideas I might use later in something I write, ideas for a character or plot deviation. Then I pick and play the song while running and come back and jot down the ideas to use.

I have to mention that yesterday, another artist sang "Over the Rainbow". Gosh, who would have thought to put that song on a current CD, but there it was and it was a very good version. I understood while listening to it why it was included. I grinned at that one too. The day before, Jay, my husband, must have caught me in a thoughtful mood. I believe he was commenting on my facial expression when he asked, "Are you living in Oz?"
I looked up, "What?"
"You're back in Oz, again. I can tell."
It took me a minute..."Well, it must be better than living in Kansas". No offense to Kansas, I've never been there but if I had a choice between the two, most who know me would know where I would prefer to be. Oz - ruby slippers and horses of a different colour.

But that's a whole 'nuther subject, now isn't it?

TT

Thinking about getting back to...

I am going to try to fool myself into thinking I'm a little closer to doing things I've been putting off. I seem to be wanting to do them a little more but still haven't done them. Have you ever been at that point? Having something you have avoided for a while because you knew it wasn't the time for you to be pursuing it, but it still being something you were not going to let go of? Something you just needed a break from. Put it down, leave it alone, not think about it, avoid it, don't talk about it, put it out of your mind kind of thing. Well, I've been doing that with a couple of things. The difference now is that they seem to be creeping closer and I seem to be more willing to consider taking them back on. Slowly.

Sounds like some fool relationship. Sounds like I need a reality check. Probably. Yes. But sometimes it's just the way I work through important things in my mind. I can't always see things for myself as clearly as others might see the same thing for me. I'm too close, take it too much to heart? Okay, yes - I admit that is probably true. But if I didn't, would it be less important to me? I don't know. I do know I struggle the most with things higher on my priority list. I struggle with things lower on the list too but don't think about it as much. Do you see that type A personality showing through? And this isn't even my daily job I'm talking about. These are things I just love to do.

No wonder I was so tired yesterday.

TT

Tired but good

I should have written this early this morning. I shouldn't have waited until now. I was (and really still am - just tired) feeling so good. The day started well even though it was cloudy and had actually rained just a bit. We need the rain so much and I had mowed the lawn yesterday so the timing was pretty perfect. I had gotten a short but welcome call from a friend to tell me a lost phone was found and it was nice to hear. I know that wretched feeling of losing a phone, phone numbers, connections. It was good to hear the phone had been recovered but more important was the thought to let me know. I started the day smiling, feeling good. I've been doing that quite a bit lately. I can't seem to shake it but then should I? Silly me.

Then my day didn't stop. Which is sometimes what weekends are about. I'm getting to where I'm finding energy to do many things again and wanting to do many things. Maybe it's a few too many which is why I am tired now, thinking I should have done this earlier when things were fresher in my mind and I was thinking a little more clearly. It's funny how the tired you get from doing many things and feeling accomplished is not the same tired you get from not being sure of what to do and not doing a lot of anything. I've done that. Not so good.

But enough for now, 'cause I'm tired and I still have part of the day to fit in a few more things.

TT

Don't tell

Today is another Saturday and I've managed to bang around the house without any real direction. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of things going around in my head that I could be doing. I just haven't put any focus into any of them. I did my normal morning routine things and thought I might go to a class at the gym. I thought I had time before I started to mow the grass in the backyard so I did that. Unfortunately, it didnt' leave me enough time to change and drive to the gym so I didn't go. Then I picked up a book and started reading. I knew I had to make a deposit at the bank and drove over to get that done but came right back home since I didn't think I was exactly dressed to do anything except drive thru at the bank. I wasn't dressed for any more than that. No...I do NOT go out in pajama bottoms posing as pants. First of all I don't own pajamas but more importantly, I won't be seen in public unless dressed somewhat put together - at least I would like to think that.

So I've settled myself here at home again and started a load of laundry and I thought I would give another cookie idea a test try. I was inspired last week by a good friend that had tried a white cookie when we were out having coffee but she thought it needed nuts. I modified a recipe and came up with a batch of pretty good cookies based on what she had tried at the coffee shop. That gave me another idea of coming up with a 5 chocolate cookie. Yes, I mean using five different types of chocolate in one cookie. I was thinking about holidays (because I usually make large batches of cookies during Christmas to give away) and the next holiday was Cinco de Mayo. Not a usual holiday most would think of, but hey...cinco - five. Five chocolate cookies - Cinco chocolate. You never know where my mind might go off to.

And I have allowed my mind to wander again. So many things still to do or could do. Like even though I've kept these posts in sequence, really, right now, in real time...it's Saturday...but I'm going back to write Thursday and Friday now since I haven't really written those yet.

Don't tell.

TT

Another day

It should have been Friday yesterday. I shouldn't have to be going in to work today since yesterday should have been the end of the week. Well, it felt like the end of the week to me. I seem to be wishing for extra time away from my regular job lately. It seems I need to think about taking a few more days off and I have, but never seem to actually take them unless something is planned. I'm more the person that will keep with a routine, even if that routine is just showing up to work every single day, unless I have something to do that I've thought about in advance. I can't think of the last time I just spontaneously decided to leave early or not go in. I don't do that, it doesn't happen.

I hear that makes for a very reliable employee. Don't get me wrong - I'm not complaining. I am very comfortable showing up every day. I just know I have all these thoughts in my head and there are things I want to do that can't be done while I'm at work. Hmmm....do you think it might be something like writing?

I'm so...so. Yeah, throw your hands up, shake your head - whatcha gonna do?

TT

Wheels

I've been doing a lot of fudging and ignoring and not thinking much about my running. I realize I need to put my goals back into perspective about that. I think I pushed really hard and accomplished a goal I didn't believe I would be able to accomplish until much later. The problem seems to be that because I pushed so hard, it took a bit out of me. It took a small part of the joy away and I had those really poor runs, which made me feel not so good. So, I avoided running yesterday even though I was sure I wanted to do it. Turns out I didn't and avoided it by going to the bookstore, buying three more books and sat outside in their coffee section and read.

It was a nice day, I love to read, I especially love to be outside when the weather is what other (normal?) people would consider hot. Some like it hot - that would be me. It's needless to say the weather was so good I had the top down on my sporty convertible. Here is where I'm going to insert something I've already written about my car.

Yeah, my car - my wonderful little car. The one that I worked and waited for. Yes, it is, of course, a Silver two-seater, black interior with black rag top convertible. I know, you don't believe it. Here's where she's making it all up, the girl is living in fantasy land. Who has all this? Tessa has it, me. Now, let me see. It has a few disadvantages. I've had to learn to not make eye contact while riding with the top down stopped in traffic. Seems people feel the need to call over to talk to me. What's the mileage, how fast does it go, how much did you pay???!! I'm not the car's marketing department, for god's sake! And while I'm trying to ignore them to keep hollers at a minimum...gee, I become stuck up, presumptuous, full of myself. I don't force a conversation on you at a stop light! But I've learned and nothing beats the feeling I get with the top down, owning the car I've always wanted and fits me to a T (so to speak). I'm never in a bad mood while driving my car.

Well, needless to say, as I was getting into my car to head home...someone stopped to talk to me about my car. It hadn't happened in a while and it caught me off guard. Is there a proper etiquette for this kind of thing? I need to research that!

TT

I guess

It’s time to start writing again. It’s past time but I need to figure out the logistics. I need to figure out what and when. Wait…that statement might be one of those self-made obstacles. Let me start again and say, I need to start writing again. I’m talking about writing my fiction. I’m talking about a story and not just this thought process I’m muddling through each day here. I’m talking about putting words on a page that have a larger, broader story line with characters that are fictitious but real and believable. It’s not like I don’t have an idea of where to start. It’s not like I don’t have a broad plot outline, characters and more than one project I could actually be working on. It’s not like I don’t have these ideas in my head that add to the broad outlines I’ve already come up with.

So that means all I have are excuses. Is that what it means? Is the fact that time has been something of less than a premium lately. Or is it a lack of discipline or real desire? Is it fear of not doing it well enough to invest the time? Let me think about that.

It’s some if not all of those things. I think I have always come up with a plan to do something and I’m not sure what my plan is yet. Should I let that hold me back? I know I would feel better if I said I was going to write 5 days a week for 2 hours each day or something to that effect. I really don’t know if that is right for now and that’s the real excuse. I guess I shouldn’t concern myself with that part right now. What I need to do is do it. I need to do however much or little writing at times or days of the week and let the routine build itself. I have a feeling if I do that now, I’ll have a few pages written and that will make all the difference.

I’m guessing. What do I know?

TT

A bit

I'm thinking I should take it down a bit. For some reason my energy levels seems to have heightened and that's almost scary for people that know me.

Actually, there has been quite a bit of sadness surrounding what is going on with more than a few of my close friends lives lately. I'm not sure why I've hit this plateau of happiness right around the time that everything seems to be coming apart for people close to me. I don't know. I almost feel guilty about it but then, I said almost. I'm not the kind to think that way.

It's hard to know what to offer to them. It's hard to figure out what I could do to help and if there really is anything I could do. It's the kind of thing I can only be there and available if there is something I can do. I guess...I don't really know. Hopefully, I'm doing something that feels right for them because there is a fine line where it could go really bad. I would hope that it isn't the case and if that has happened, that I can do something that will straighten it out. Something that will jog it into perspective and they can see their situation from another angle they hadn't seen before. A more positive perspective. I would hope that would give them the smallest glimmer of the good that is down the way, up ahead...if you walk it off and keep going.

Talk about taking it down a bit...
Keep smiling.

TT

Energized

Energized & Monday are not two words that normally are used together and if they are the idea is short lived. It will crash and burn before too long. I mean, think about it. It’s a Monday and you feel energized? How long do you think that will last? It’s a Monday! Things will get hectic and yet I am so looking forward to it.

Maybe I shouldn’t stop and try to figure it out but go with it. Maybe I should be soaking it up like the sun because it feels like warm rays slanting down from the heavens. It might not be that drastic or dramatic but I seem to have captured a feeling of future and all the good it has to offer. I just want to take advantage of it, grab it up, scoop it all to me and let it happen. I want to take all I want for now and know I’ll have time for the rest later if I choose.

If I choose, I can keep this feeling of energy and happiness that has been so elusive for so long. Too long. Way too long. I’m not sure how I let that happen but so glad there seems to be a break through. Did I do it? Was it outside forces? Was it a pre-determined plan? Did I have to come from there to get to here? Should it be all of the above, none of the above, A, B not C, or D? What does it matter. It's Monday.

And I feel energized.

TT

Keep on

So, you tell me. Is anyone really lucky enough to have two good days in a row? I'm not sure, but that is what I got. Yes, two wonderful days. Now, I didn't do everything I thought I might do, but then I always have such a long laundry list to achieve that. I guess the main thing is how really happy I've been this weekend. I'm not sure what I did different to make that happen. I'm not sure it was anything I did differently. I think maybe its things I've been trying to do for a while and it might be finally paying off.

I guess the thing to do now is just enjoy that feeling. I need to remember that feeling and hopefully it just might extend a little longer. I know it can't go on and on. It won't happen that way, but if you keep going back to that spot, that feeling - that you remember - not the things that happened, just the way it felt...maybe there's a possiblity to bring it back when it starts to fade. And I guess to keep on doing what I've been doing.

Lucky me.

TT

Good day

I'm looking out my upstairs window this morning. I have it open because the weather is so mild. It rained last night and early this morning, so I had the pleasure of just waking and listening to it coming down while still in bed.

I've actually been up for a while now, even out of the house once already, but the sounds and smell of the fresh air is too much to pass by. It's too wonderful to just keep going at my frantic pace this Saturday morning. I'll get started again. I've got plans for later this morning - another gym class to try and I have an idea of some new cookies I want to try to bake. Laundry is already started and I'll fit that in as I go along today. Since the clouds look like they are clearing I might want to take my purchase chances with the outdoor shopping boutiques I love to browse. I'll also see about the book store which will always be one of my favorite places. But today nothing will be hurried, nothing stressed. If I have time and feel like it, I'll do it. If I don't, it won't be any big deal. It feels good to have the time and the beauty of the day.

I could be wrong, but doubtful that I will have anything but a really wonderful day.

Hope you do, too. Make it happen for yourself.

TT

A Penny

So now it's time to get back to writing. Which, I have to admit, I haven't done! Surprised?

Do you see how I manage to distract myself? Do you see how I can find other things to put out as stumbling blocks? Well, wait. In all fairness, I have had a few things going on. I have to give myself the small amount of credit to just being consistent in the time I've made right here to keep up with this blog. Small amount but something. Now push it a bit more. So today, I think I'll just post something I wrote a few weeks back. It's a true story and not too terribly long so you should get through it quickly. Here it is:

A Penny

My youngest son, Dante (23), and I were in the car to drive home after a weekend out-of-town. I had registered and run a distance race that I had never attempted before and after much anxiety about training, being out-of-town, and a turn in the weather for the worse, I had managed the run. Dante had been most supportive. He was a great companion to have along for celebrating after I had completed my distance goal. Just before we were about to leave the next morning, I mentioned that I had been thinking about a penny I had seen on the ground during my run.
“A penny?” he asked.
“Yes. I said, “You’ve heard about picking up a penny?”
“Yeah, it's supposed to give you good luck.”
“Yes, if it’s heads up, I said. But what if it’s tails up?”
“I don’t know…you get bad luck?”
I explained to him what a good friend had told me. If you see a penny and its heads up, it’s good luck - so pick it up. But if you see a penny tails up, you turn it over to heads and leave it for the next person.
Now, I’m not much on believing my luck comes from finding pennies, but the thought of passing it on to someone else by merely turning it over had become intriguing to me. I’ve turned over tails up pennies ever since my good friend told me this. What was the harm?
My problem came when I saw a tails up penny while running. I struggled with the decision to go back in order to turn it over. It was too far for me to go back. It had come up on me too quickly. I explained my dilemma to my son and how I had been thinking about it as we were on our way to leave.
He said, “Sounds like we need to go flip a penny.”
We would be passing the run route on our way out-of-town. He didn’t hesitate, just took it in and told me that’s what we would do. We drove to the area that was closest to where I had seen the penny and parked. We both got out of the car and walked along the race route scanning the ground. It was cool. A breeze blew out over the bay that ran beside the pavement we were walking. Side by side we walked and after a while I knew we had walked farther than where the penny should have been. I finally admitted that it wasn’t there and we turned around to head back to the car.
I said, “At least we got a chance to walk along the water.”
We walked on silently but I abruptly turned my attention to Dante when he pulled his hand out of his pocket and held his palm out full of loose change. We stopped and I looked at him.
“Take it, mom.”
“What?”
“The penny.”
I didn’t move or answer him, but I looked up at him confused.
“Take the penny and put it down heads up.”
I was reluctant and didn’t move.
“What’s the worst that can happen…that there are two pennies out here?” He shrugged as I took the penny, put in on the ground, and smiled.
“You’ll know one of them is heads up, mom.”

It’s funny how a penny can have so much value.
---------
That's all for today. Have a good one.

TT

Well timed reminder

I realized and was renewed on how much I like my job. I've been having a hard time with it lately with the economy today and lay-offs and stock market declines. The atmosphere at work has been poor with the reorganization and efficiency measures being implemented. I've tried separating myself from the woe-is-me's that seem to have surfaced here at work. There are too many people that think too hard about things they have no control over. I'm going with the attitude that I will work here until the day they tell me to go home. It will be at that time that I will think about what my next step will be, not before.

Then I was reminded of the reason I enjoy working here. I got that feeling of ultimate accomplishment when I'm able to go beyond what is normally expected yesterday morning. It's been hectic. My boss is director for the application software department of a mutual funds company. His boss (which I have worked with before) and her boss, the newly hired - top of the division man, were in our office. She came over to my area with the new division head to introduce him to me. She very casually but precisely gave him information about me that was very flattering about my professional capabilities. It was unexpected by me in the way she gave him information in that short introduction that reflected so well on me.

It was not too long after that when my own boss came over but had forgotten what it was he needed to tell me. When he admitted to his forgetfulness I asked if it was possibly about a certain meeting that had been communicated after hours but hadn't worked out. The thread of emailed conversations about this meeting was vague and there had not been much time elapsed since they had been sent much less read and communicated.
He looked at me and said, "You are good." That was it. And there it was. I swear I was a gypsy in another life to be able to read minds like that. I had taken a stab at the possiblity and it worked and I quietly grinned.

Or maybe it was just a well timed reminder of why I really enjoy my job.

TT

Isn't so hard

I am going to make a quick diversion from my thoughts about writing. This mainly comes from my compulsion (or sometimes total consumption) on my running workouts. To put it simply, I've felt my runs haven't been going so well. The last four days I haven't been able to get any distance even if my total workout time has been consistently good.

I'm nervous you see and I have a way of always expecting more than I'm actually able to accomplish sometimes. Is that a bad thing? At the beginning of this year I knew one of the things I wanted to do was get back into some kind of running routine. It had been six years since I had done any serious organized 5K runs and it was time for me to go back and start training for that again. I also had a goal that I would be able to accomplish a 10K run by October of this year. That was the goal.

Soon after I had started working out I accomplished a 5K run (with a really good run time - I believe their clock was off). I was searching for more races to sign up for. I found a 10K run in an area by the coast that I was totally familiar with because I go there to relax and unwind all the time. It was 4 weeks out and needless to say I was so excited I signed up right away. I researched and cut an 8 week 10K training plan down to the four and started hitting the gym. It was hard, it was tough. Running doesn't come naturally to me; it's something I have to work at mentally and physically. The week before the race the weather started to change for the worse. Instead of the nice run along the water I had envisioned, it was going to be cold and possibly raining. I was freaking out the entire week before the date I was supposed to take on this race that was double the distance I had ever done before. I had so many doubts, so many fears of failure.

I went out race day, in the cold, and accomplished the 10K run. It didn't start raining until right before I was over the finish line. I had done it.

But that brings me to now. I did another 5K since then, but I have another 10K I've signed up for in less than two weeks and my workouts have not been going too well. I can't seem to get any distance. I've not been able to push past a half way mark. I'm finding myself playing my own little mind games on myself about not being able to do it.

So, I need to wait - take a breath - regroup. I need to remember this is for fun. I've done this before and if I do it, fine. If I don't, there will be others if I choose. I took a break yesterday. I decided to skip the gym and come straight home after work and tried not to think too hard about running, or writing, or cooking...or reading. I need to stop making it larger than it really is. It's only one foot in front of the other and when I remember that, it isn't so very hard.

TT

Go figure

I meant to take a look at what point I was to start, or should I say, continue on my new writing project but seemed to run out of time last night. I didn't really get any time yesterday to do that. I've only been able to carve the smallest amount of time early morning before my full-time job (the one that pays all my bills) to dedicate to my writing. So far. There will be improvements on that time-management thing. I'll be able work all day, get my run's in, get my daily chores done and still have time to write. Watch me.

I mean, my first committment was to do this blog and although it's only been a handful of words and posts, it's been consistant. It's motivating me, making me think about it, making me want to do it. Amazing. Seems to be working - we shall see.

I also had some ideas during the day yesteday about my old project. The practice one I have over 70 pages on but stopped. I was thinking about going forward with the new but the thought went through my mind about doing some re-writes on the old practice story. I was even able to come up with new names for the main characters. You see, I made a mistake by using the wrong name for the main character...my name. Big mistake. It confused people. They tried to compare me and the character. I kept explaining it was fiction, that I was actually all the characters. Maybe, I think too much like an actor and not a writer. Is there a difference? Should there be? I've even felt like a director at times when I was writing. Is that the right way? or the wrong way?

I guess I'll figure it out...or I'll just learn more about it along the way.

TT

The plan

The plan is to stop planning.

I've had a story idea since last year that I had written a brief summary, plotted out some characters and story line - even wrote a prologue. Well, another project took shape and I actually got over 70 pages written on that one. But I considered that practice. It was a way to get words on a page and to stop myself from editing before I had a chance to actually write anything. I would stare at the same two paragraphs for months at a time and never take it any further because I was constantly re-writing it, perfecting it, making it better. Right. Of course. It was fear of writing what was to come next. Let's face it. If it's not written, it can't be bad, just not done yet. I'm still working on it, it's all in my head. Right. Of course.

I considered it a practice piece because my goal was to write it and post it. I didn't give myself any time for thinking to hard about it or editing. In fact, once posted I wouldn't let myself go back and change things. That way it was committed. It was just a way of writing, letting it flow on the page and not thinking too hard about it. It worked in that respect. I managed over 70 pages. I only stopped when life got a little too close to the idea I originally had for my plot and needed to break from it for a while.

So, now I'm ready to start again. But I've put things off by planning. And planning. And thinking about my plan. And changing my plan. Huh.

TT

Be quiet

The hardest thing about writing is getting myself to do it. Then it's the continual editing. I can't seem to get anything down without cutting it to ribbons. Lack of confidence, it doesn't have the right tone, or does it and I can't hear it myself? The voice...how is it coming off. I'm afraid too often it's abrasive. Yes, afraid. I don't mean for it to be that way. Well, sometimes I do but that's usually worked into a character. I personally seem to come off that way because my brain has a habit of processing facts and answering that way. I'm not always thinking about how it sounds until it's already out of my mouth. Unfortunately.

No wonder I never joined into conversations years ago. I was so quiet. Maybe it's what I should go back to. Maybe I need to be still for a while when it comes to making comments and adding anything to conversations. Maybe I just need to be more observant and listen instead of speaking. Maybe I'll come up with an answer. Maybe not, but I think pulling back a little could be a good thing for a while. What could it hurt? It might actually be better for my writing and thought process for that. Maybe. I should try.

TT

Coulda'

Today. Yes.

Could have hoped for warmer weather. Could have hoped for a better work-out, a better run. Could have hoped for a better name for this blog but everything else I tried was unavailable. So I settled. Well, it could have been worse. The weather could have been colder. I could have run only 3 miles instead of 4. The name of the blog could have been...? not sure, but I know it could have been worse.

I do know I've wanted to start writing again and sometimes there are just a million obstacles to keep me from starting. And I really didn't settle. That was just one of those obstacles. You know, the ones you put in front of yourself so there are reasons for not doing something you want to do, or think you want to do - but are not confident enough (or crazy enough) to just do it. Like anyone else really cared that much, except you. I guess I'm crazy enough, or care enough, or finally just removed the obstacle. If I knew which - I'd be doing a lot more. A whole lot more...

TT