What time is it?

I am just barely creaking out of bed right now this Saturday morning.   This is so extremely late for me.  I am the early to bed, early riser around here but then I didn't get back to the room until after 1:15 last night.  It's been a very long time since I have been a party girl but party is what was in order last night with Sonny and Selma's wedding reception.
It started out quietly and slow.  We obviously arrived too early...like the time we were told and printed on the invitation we finally received.  Not many people had arrived and we waited a long time before guests actually started making their entrance.  I have noticed since coming back to my hometown that time seems to stand still here.  You can check your watch and hours later when you check it again only three minutes have past.  We must have brought a space rocket to travel in because we arrive at places two and three times the normal time it should take.  There must be a stop light at every corner and even with the traffic and terrible drivers we would manage to arrive at our destinations in nano seconds.  Dante and his lovely girlfriend arrived at the reception early, too.  They decided to make a quick trip to pick something up and it was a mere flash before they had returned and were waiting with us again.  I'm not sure why this happens.  The locals don't seem to notice.  I am no longer a local.  Well, they say you can never go home again...
But then the party started and went and kept building and going.  It was fun and happy and joyous and absolutely wonderful!  There couldn't have been a better celebration and reason to be festive and cheerful and in such good spirits.  It was hugs and smiles and glads.  It was all the good things I had been feeling from these two beautiful people dispersed at the entire crowd.  The joy and happiness they have created wound it's way into everyone there attending and filled us all up like our congratulatory glasses of champagne. 
Then we went out again since time doesn't work here the way it does anywhere else.  We managed to get another group of us squeezed into an overly packed nightclub with live music and then proceed to dance (some more).  It was great with Dante and family and then even Sonny and Selma.  Her sister was there and soon we were prompted to take ourselves home.  Jay had left the lights on in his car.  The younger taking care of the older.  So is that how it's gonna be.  But didn't we always take care of each other anyway?  I think we always have.
We are leaving the time-warped hometown this morning.  We should have been up and moving already but late nights and wonderful celebrations came first and into the early morning.  Something I am not accustomed to any more.  I fared very well, if I say so myself.  I have a chance to re-coup and re-cover.  Instead of the long drive home today we will be stopping half way to break up the trip.  We will stop for a few days.  Oh, yes.  Now that it is all done I am heading to my own personal paradise.  What better way to take the time to stop, relax and contemplate the hugs and smiles and glads. 
But what's this?!  It's late!  Somehow, now that I could use a little of that extra time, it seems to be catching up!
TT

Wedding Ceremony

Sonny and Selma are now officially married!
The bride was beautiful, the groom handsome, and the ceremony was at a glorious location. It was small and intimate and the perfectness will be forever captured in a snapshot of a memory.  One that can be taken out and held in my mind and remembered whenever the thoughts take me back. 
I don't know how they found this location but the house was built in 1937 and has the luxury and charm of being small and grand all at the same time.  There could not have been a more perfect location or atmosphere for this event to take place.  Well...you take a look.

Pretty fabulous. 

We all went to lunch after the ceremony and have this block of an afternoon to rest and re-group.  We have the reception tonight at 7:00 with music, champagne and celebration. 

What was it I just said? Oh...I know...

Pretty Fabulous!

TT

Off-line AM 4/29/11

We took yesterday evening to spend some time at one of Jays’sister’s houses. It was a pleasant evening, sitting outside and talking of ordinary things. After we left we had dinner and stopped for a drink. I will admit I had a dry martini. It wasn’t late but it was time to head back to the room and get some sleep. I don’t think the drink hurt my sleep.

I am up this morning already showered with hair dried and straightened smooth and shiny. I have taken advantage of the complimentary coffee pot and will have to make the second by the looks of how I am draining the first. It’s too early to start getting dressed. Or is it? Is this going to be one of those days when you think you have all the time – almost too much time – and then find yourself rushing away, wondering what happened to those few moments you thought you still had. Will it go from zero to one hundred in a few seconds and I will find myself in the middle of a ceremony wondering how I got from dry martini to sipping champagne? I will see, won’t I? For now I will be happy with another cup of coffee while I warm up the curling iron. We need to be there by 10:00am. I have a little extra time it seems. Let’s see how long it lasts.

TT (8:06am 4/29/11)

Dante called while munching his complimentary breakfast. He wanted to check the address of our location this morning and he wasn’t able to get an actual address from anyone. I had it and gave it to him. He was plugging the information I gave him into his laptop since his room had wi-fi?! I didn’t think a hotel in this entire town had wi-fi…I looked! Dante not only had found a hotel with wi-fi but complimentary breakfast, too! Here I am working off-line and he is searching mapquest. Ah, now…I have other things to do right now besides worry about that. No, really. Now I do. I need to be ready to leave here at 9:30am.

TT (8:44am 4/29/11)

Off-line PM 4/28/11

We arrived Thursday afternoon at approximately 2:30pm. I don’t know exactly when and if I will get an internet connection so I have taken my writing off-line for now and will save to an ordinary document.  I might be able to post whenever I catch up to the modern world again.
 I am quietly working my keyboard as Jay naps and the air conditioner fills the room with the only other noise filling the space.  It seems to be doing a better job at masking my keystrokes than conditioning any air but I am not really concerned.  I don’t mind these stolen moments.  I have a small desk facing a window and that keeps me happy.  There isn’t much that couldn’t keep me happy about now.  I talked to Sonny as we checked in and he and Selma were on their way to the private location to decide if they would have their ceremony tomorrow morning inside or out.  I have seen pictures and it will be fine either way.  It is located by water and that would be lovely but the interiors also have a charm that would prove to be delightful.  It will be their choice and whatever it is will be the right one.
They will stop here on their way back so we can check our lists and synchronize our timetables.  I will need to check on Dante and see on his arrival time today.  Yes, we all drove hours from the same place and drove south in our respective vehicles.  We all have our combined plans for tomorrow but will continue on our separate ways again after the events of Friday and move on by Saturday.  But it is only Thursday afternoon and I have stolen a few happily quiet moments.  I don’t know how many more quiet ones I might have during the next day or so, but I don’t doubt how happy they will be.
TT  (3:24pm 4/28/11)

The keeper

I have a lovely, white satin wedding dress sprawled across the entire length of my sofa downstairs.  It is thoroughly pressed, meticulously packaged and looks as if it is lounging just before the big event.  It isn't mine but it seems I have been the keeper of the dress since it was first picked up from the bridal store.  It only seemed fitting that I would also transport it from it's location now to where it will be delivered and worn tomorrow.  It wasn't necessarily planned that way but it seems I am the keeper of the dress and it couldn't have happened any other way.
We will be driving a long five hours today to arrive at a location farther south and I will be taking the dress. Selma and Sonny will be married tomorrow morning there at a private location with only immediate family attending.   Later tomorrow evening there will be a reception at a different location to celebrate until midnight with more family and friends that are local to the area.  The dress will travel again but by this time it will no longer be under my care.  I will relinquish my duties as keeper of the dress knowing that I had been given a trusted postion when it was needed.
The dress is lounging now awaiting it's time.  Soon it will be swept up and taken care of and safe.  I have been happy to be the one to watch over it until now.  I am happier to know there will be times in the future that I will be trusted again.
But for now, it's almost time for me to rouse and transport a lovely, white satin wedding dress.
TT

New list

I have crossed off everything I had written down on my list.  I purposely avoided sitting here in front of my page to put anything on it.  I didn't have a thought to write.  I had too many but they didn't seem to want to come together into something I could have put down.  Now that I have my list crossed off it is nice to be able to sit again and let myself just wander around groups of words.  And that is all I am doing at the moment.  I am merely wandering around a sentence or two with no direction in mind except that I needed to come back and take these few minutes here.
I will be starting a new fresh list.  There are some items that will involve packing and traveling and moving to this grand event that will take place on Friday.  I might go back and try to recap some of the things that went on just previously and what might come but I don't know that at the moment.  I only know I needed this moment to blacken a white page.
TT

Soundtracks

Sonny got me into TRON: Legacy R3Reconfigur3d.  Oh, not the movie.  I haven't seen the movie unless you are talking about the original.  I saw that one.  But I haven't seen a movie since...um...oh, the remake of True Grit.  The one with Jeff Bridges...right.  Same guy that was in TRON...both.  But no, I didn't see it.  Sonny got me into the soundtrack from the new movie.  I have it on my iPod now.
I liked it when I listened to it.  I'm not so much into the podcasts you can download for running.  All the faux beeps and beats got really boring.  I was a little afraid the soundtrack would be a little too synthesized for my taste but I guess it helps to have a movie budget behind you.  This is pretty good.  It is very well done.  You can hear the bouncing fade up increasing to the heights then leveled off by the deep marching base and hold and repeat of the first track Derezzed (remixed by the Glitch Mob). 
So I thought with all my running problems and since I was off from work I would give it a try on a run.  I was right.  That first track started me off very clean, well paced.
I was going along, was just into my first mile and the third track is getting ready to start...The Grid (remixed by the Crystal Method).  I was looking forward to this one.  When I had listened to it previously I actually thought it would do well for a kickboxing class.  It has the steady thread of a beat that could time the required punches and kicks perfectly.  I kept running waiting for it to play through my ear buds.  I kept running and waited.  Nothing happened.  Nothing was playing.  I pulled the iPod out of my pocket and it had gone dark with the apple symbol showing.  Uh-oh, not good.  I got it going again, it played for 2 seconds and it happened again and then once more.  Great.  It wasn't syncing with my Nike+ sensor, so I opted for just music.  No go.  I had slowed down but I should have stopped running while doing this.  Then the music stopped again and when I reached for it this time I stubbed the toe of my shoe and did a trip up.  At least this time I knew I was falling and didn't go down hard.  But yeah, boom, left side of shin, sitting in dirt, get up, get up, get up now.  No damage, wipe the dirt of my leg, keep going but stuff the iPod in my pocket, pull the ear buds out and jam the wires into the same pocket.  I seemed to be huffin' and puffin' a bit much but I realized I was hearing myself.  Adjust, keep going. 
I did.  I took away the gadgets and listened to myself and ran.  After a bit I was breathing steady, I was running fine, felt good.  I wasn't thinking about what the sensor would tell me at the end of the workout when I was done because it didn't capture the workout.
It was actually a good thing.  I was paying attention to my run, not to the gadgets.  I knew the sensor would give out.  I have a new one I ordered a month ago since I knew the battery only lasts a year.  I will get it going again but will set it and stick in my pocket for a while.  I'm going to get back to some basics like listening to myself instead of the gadgets.  I know my routes and their distances.  It was four miles this time.  I will get out there and be present in the run again instead of mechanical distractions that might be fouling up my getting back on par with my actual running.  I can give myself the chance to remind myself the basic reasons I enjoy this so much.
So I got into a new soundtrack today.  It's called Listening to Myself (remixed by the Tessa Tumble).
TT

Rhett, what will I do?

I got a note from the association that put on the half/marathon I ran last year.  They were reminding me it was time for spring training and that I should sign up for the race again.  Then I got an e-mail from the fitness center at work telling me they were in preparations to start the half and full marathon training at the end of June and they would be presenting lunch talks on running topics prior so hurry and sign up.  I am not sure what I am thinking about all this.
I guess the first thing that went through my head is that it is WAY too soon for me to be starting training.  I thought it was too long a training period last year and that was with taking a month off in the middle of it while I was sidelined with an injury.  I realize I only ran the half marathon (only - right) but since the beginning of this year I have been very far off my usual running game.  I am so far off I could honestly say I have no running game.  That would probably be the more accurate statement.
What am I thinking now that I am beginning to hear about the training?  I know I tried to keep running early on in January by running every last mile on a dreadmill (and being miserable) due to the weather.  I can't stand the cold so I took myself indoors.  Then I ran two 5K's in February and actually won two medals in my age group.  I didn't continue to train but ran a 10K in March.  I have been sporadic at best with my regular runs until recently I haven't run at all.
What am I doing or not doing and do I want to do it?  It doesn't seem that way.  I haven't been doing it.  And if that is the case then why do I think anything when I get these notes and e-mails?  Because I do think about it...like now.  Why haven't I been running?  Is it a slump or have I gotten tired or have I lost interest or am I needing to get going again but in a different way or location or group?
I want to say to these notes from the half/full marathon association and the fitness center training group at work that yes I want to be included.  That this year I will be going for the full marathon and not the half I did last year.  Something inside me wants to say that and do that.  But something else is telling me..."you ain't nowhere where you were at this time last year and your motivation is nowhere to be found, so don't be thinking 'bout this now."
Maybe I won't think about it right now.  Didn't Miss Scarlett in Gone with the Wind say, "I'll think about it tomorrow," and look how things turned out for her.
Oh..wait...now that I think about it.  That didn't really end well, did it?
TT

ADDD

Here's the deal.  My mind is all over the place.
That's it.  I have developed ADDD.  Yes, I meant to put the extra D on the end.  It would mean Attention Deficit Disorder Daily.  That would be opposed to ADDT which would be Attention Deficit Disorder Temporarily that I sometimes might be prone to experience.  This bombardment of things going through my head recently has turned into something that is happening to me everyday for a week and I haven't seen too much of a change in order for me to have any hope that it might end in the next few days or weekend.
Let me just put it out there.  My oldest son, Sonny, and his girlfriend, Selma, are getting married on Friday, April 29th.  This will occur in another city and since Selma's parents are taking care of the reception you wouldn't think that would be too much cause for me to be experiencing this Daily Disorder.  Yet, here I am with items of things that need to be done and time getting shorter as I forget and remember to do them.  I even made a list and was able to cross out half of the items until I realized there were things that needed to be done that I hadn't put on the list.  So, I'm not really half way done although I believe I may have done some of the more priority items.
Then, of course, there are my everyday tasks that I need to get done.  My regular job is a conglomeration of multi-tasked items that need to be done for an assembly of Directors, Sr. Mgrs and Associates.  All tasks are usually in different states of completion due to me needing to wait on responses from others to get my task completed.  You can add the fact that my counterpart is on vacation this week and I am covering duties that would be done by her while still doing my own.  I can do that.  So far, so good, I guess.  But wait...then add my air conditioning at home went out on Monday.  I left work early to meet the repairman only to find out it had frozen and he couldn't take care of it until it defrosted.  So I will probably need to leave work early again today (although, I don't think that is such a bad thing).  And running?  What's that?  My running shoes wouldn't recognize me right now if I even came close to putting them on.  Not good.
And no...the answer is I still do not have my dress for the wedding.  Selma asked me yesterday and when I told her no I could hear the exasperation in her voice (even though it was in an email) when she answered with my name....Tessaaaaaaaaa!
The reality is I am suffering from ADDD right now.  I am also very happy and very excited about the wedding.  I will deal with this disorder and cross my items off my list.  I will manage to get back to a manageable ADDT and possibly even eliminated the disorder completely real soon.
So that's the deal.
TT
 
      

Just practice

I am at one of those spots when I want to kick-start things I want to do but have a pending event that I am using to procrastinate. You know that feeling of, as soon as this is over I will be able to get started... It is also that same event that has taken much of my mind away from settling into my practice routine because I need to concentrate on the things that need to happen before this event.
So my mind is pre-occupied and since things will be unsettled for a while I am putting off getting started. 
That can be a slippery slope that could turn into never having the time, or waiting for the perfect time.  That is totally dangerous and much too easy to stay in that place of never having the time and fooling yourself that is okay.  It's not okay. 
I truly haven't wanted to write today (or yesterday).  What you get now is only practice since I will not stop the words even if they are uninspired.  Sometimes it just getting past the idea of I have no time or I don't really think I feel like it or it isn't any good.  When things are like this, it's best to try anyway.  That saying keeps going through my head that amateurs write when they are inspired...writers write anyway.
So this is just practice.  Practice makes perfect, practice makes permanent, practice makes practice.
It's my tool.  At least I keep trying to using it.
TT

Cake pic

 I found this picture when I was trying to organize my photos.  It made me think back to the progress I've made.  I actually baked this cake when I hit 500 posts.  That was on 10/31/10.  I had hit 100 posts on 7/29/09 and 365 posts on April 10, 2010, one year from the date I started this blog. 
When I hit the publish post button right now it will bring my current total to 661 posts.
That's just crazy.  I know.  Who does that?
But then...who does all that and then bakes a cake for it?
That would be me.
TT

One thing or another

The grass is in and the A/C is down.  Of course.  Isn't that the way these things work?  You spend money on something and then an unexpected expense comes along.  It isn't that bad.  It is more the inconvenience than the money.  The lack of air conditioning doesn't bother me as much as having to deal with a repair man tomorrow afternoon...directly after work, but well, that's the way it goes.  Hopefully, by this same time tomorrow I know the grass will still be in and the A/C might be working.  It might just work out that way. 
With all the activities that I have had going on with Sonny and Selma's wedding coming up at the end of this month I finally made a to-do list.  I wasn't remembering things the way I should and it was the best way not to forget something.  I managed to work a ways down on my list of things that I needed to do.  The total on the list was fourteen and I have completed and crossed off seven.  Half isn't bad.  Especially since the half that is done is the more important half of the list.  So that is a good thing.
There is something that I forgot to put on the list that I haven't gotten done yet.  You wouldn't think it would be something I hadn't thought about yet.  It is usually something that would be at the top of my list, if I had put it on the list, since it would involve shopping.  I do so enjoy my time spent browsing and looking and finding a few nice things to wear.  You might have thought that would have been one of the first things I would have done without even needing to put it on a list.
I don't have a dress for the wedding.  Oh, yeah.  Since this event will take place out of town I have made reservations and arrangements to board the dog and five other things on the list.  But no dress.  I haven't shopped yet.  I can't do it tomorrow after work since I will be waiting on an A/C repairman.  I will need to get that done soon but then I have this weekend. 
If it's not one thing it's another.
TT 

Zacate/Grass

It is complete.  The project that took three weekends is making me jump up and down (literally - how can someone BE so excited about getting the front lawn done).  You will see the entire progression of pictures here below.  The first is the dreaded, dead, weed-infested lawn that I knew would have to be pulled out, broken down, totally annihilated before anything new would grow in its place.
It goes from there.
Three weekends and even though I waited all of Saturday (yesterday) to the point I didn't think it would happen, it did.  It did.  And now I am jumping up and down because I took on the task no matter the work.  And besides, if I still have the energy and excitement to jump up and down well then, yes, by gosh, you know I am going to do just that!

Splendid!
TT

Long list

My brain or the portion that retains memory is evaporating.  It might be normal age progression but truthfully I know it is being caused by the abundance of things that need to be done and that I have been doing for the recent past few weeks.  I am usually notoriously good about balancing a variety of tasks at the same time.  I may have my bumps and glitches when I have too many pots to stir at once but I've had a recent total lapse in brain power lately when it comes to keeping track of everything going on.
What happened?  I was going along my merry way without so much as a single thing on my list of to-do's.  I didn't even have a to-do list since there were so few things I needed to get done.  Now, all of a sudden I have tasks swooping down on me like hungry seagulls.  I'm flaying my arms over my head at them wondering where they came from and trying to ward them off.  But that won't stop them.  I need to actually do something...I need to get the tasks done.  It is starting to affect my memory on things that have nothing to do with the things to do.
One morning this week I had planned on taking my flash drive that has the copy of my book for me to view a piece of dialogue that had been running through my head during lunch.  I pulled the drive out of my home desk drawer and thought I had it with me.  When I got to work I searched my bag and it was nowhere to be found.  Did I lose it?  No.  When I got home later that day it was sitting nicely on the keyboard of my laptop at home.  I had simply left it there.
The following afternoon I was at home and got a call from Sonny.  They had locked themselves out of their house and knew I had an extra key.  Ahhg...I searched while on the phone.  I thought it was in my bag.  I thought it might be in another bag I had used recently and didn't transfer it.  I checked yet another bag and another...I didn't know where I had put the key!  I had to tell him I didn't have it.  He contacted his brother and got into the house (I think).
Then...yes...three instances...I left my cell phone at home.  I knew I left it at home but I couldn't remember where exactly.  I can usually pin-point where I have left objects.  I usually know exactly where something is.  I am the one Jay will ask..."where is such and such, I've looked everywhere"...and I will respond, "Did you look in that drawer" and voila!  there it will be. 
So something is up.  I finally made a list of these things to do.  They aren't even things that are too time consuming but they are all lingering and seem to be multiplying.  Trying to keep them all stored in my head was causing a disconnect somewhere in my brain.  Like I need that now with all the things I have going on.
It's a long list and I don't think I have everything on it yet.
Even with this list I hope I can remember how to get these things done before the rest of my brain evaporates. 
TT

Only as good

I had a thought about that saying..."You are only as good as"  There are multiple ways of filling in the blanks and ending that sentence.  I had a few come to mind but then I did what I do and I checked.
These are a few of what I found.
 You are only as good as:

• the sum of your parts
• your weakest link
• your word
• the company you keep
• your last game

Of course, what came to my mind is...I am only as good as my last post.  Maybe that is why I continue to write.  "That one wasn't very good, try another.  I can't leave that one at the top - I must put something better there instead but that didn't come out right and I need something different, more humorous, more detailed, more light-hearted, more realistic, more, more...more...better."  But enough about me.
It says, "Only as good", which seems to have a negative connotation.
It seems you can't get better than the sum of your parts.  Which parts?  Are we talking body parts or mental, emotional, logical parts?  Has it turned into a math problem with the use of sum?  (Gads, no please...no math)!  But if it is, how many parts and how are they being measured exactly?
How about the weakest link?  I can only think of the television game show with the British female host that made the saying so memorable. "You ARE the weakest link.  Goodbye"   I can't even remember much else about the show except for the cool, black outfits she wore every episode which was way before The Matrix.  Now we're talking cool outfits.  Not a weak link in that bunch.
Then there is...my word.  If I am only as good as my word than I should be in pretty good shape.  Yet, it doesn't seem that way when it is said like that.  If someone is reminding you that..."you are only as good as your word", while shaking their finger at you...then I can see the person it being said to getting almost defensive..."Hey!  My word is good!  Really it is!"  Don't you see it like that?  But can you believe them?
So we come around to...the company you keep.  What if you don't keep any?  Company?  Maybe it's better to keep bad company than none at all?  If I am the only company I keep is that a bad thing?  I'm not such bad company...or maybe I am or I would keep more company?  Wouldn't I?
You are only as good as your last game.  Really?  If it's a game it doesn't matter, does it?  Isn't it all about how you play the game?  Or would that be just another brilliant saying by those wise people that come up with these sayings.  Those wise people nobody knows so there is no way to clarify what they were getting at since we don't know who they are or how to find them.

Only as good.  Is anyone really Only as good?  It isn't very motivational.  "Well, sorry...can't go on...since that was good and I might not top it again."  Or..."I'm good since I did that really well a long time ago and don't want to mess it up."  Right.  Like anyone really thinks about it that way or that hard.  Except me.
I am only as good as my last post.  Well, since that is the case...'ya know another will need to be posted soon!
TT

Expired

I found it all over the kitchen table.  I woke early as usual this morning and saw the arrangement of pantry supplies simply lying there.  I didn't have any idea why they were there except there must have been some reason Jay had put them there on the table were I found them.  I wondered and looked through them.
It was only by mere coincidence that at that moment he got up to get a drink of water.  I am always up early and out the door for work while he stays in and doesn't have to get going until hours later.  So it isn't a usual thing for us to actually see each other in the mornings.  This was not the norm but neither was finding an assortment of items on the kitchen table that belonged in the pantry.
I attempted to ask him why he had taken everything out.  I say attempted since he not only sleeps later than me but he isn't awake when he gets up even if he is walking around.  It takes him a while to fully wake up.  It takes him hours.  Well, it seems like hours to me - maybe it isn't that long.  So it was an attempt when I asked.
"Why did you take these things out of the pantry?"
"They are all expired."
"No, they aren't."
"Yes, they are."
"Why were you checking the expiration date on all this stuff."
"I was looking for a snack last night."
"You were going to eat this stuff?  Cake flour?"
"I was looking for something salty."
"Salty stuff is in the cupboard above."
By this time Jay had already wandered back to bed.  I was surprised he lasted that long and actually conversed. 
I was left in an empty kitchen with expired items.  At least that was what I was made to believe.  I checked a few.  Okay, the cake flour was old and so were the pack of pine nuts.  2009 is expired...for a while, yeah.  The hazelnuts - well, best used by 2/2011...still good...if I use them now, like now.  Cytomax?  really?  I didn't think that expired, ever!  No - 9/2012...didn't think so.  He probably just didn't know what it was.
So a few things got tossed and a few, well are still fine.  I went to put what was still good back into the pantry and all the different chocolate chips were still in their place.  I know those are fine and I guess - so did Jay.  Those were left untouched.
It was an unusal thing to find the various items on the kitchen table, some expired some not.  I would have been having a hard time trying to figure out what message Jay was trying to send me by leaving them there.  I would never have thought he would have gone through them all and cleaned out the pantry.  I would have been thinking all day trying to figure out what he wanted me to make with those ingredients.   I should have known it was random.  I got lucky when he got up for water and I happened to still be there to quiz him about it.  So now I have a cleaned pantry.  At least that particular part of it. 
Maybe I can get Jay to look for another snack in a different cupboard and I'll have the entire pantry cleaned out in no time!
TT

A shift

There has been a shift in small things in the last day or two.  It probably isn't anything that would be too noticeable to anyone else but since I happen to be the top visitor to this blog (being I have to come here to write it) I noticed. 
It wasn't too long ago I added a widget to the bottom right hand corner that is available through blogger called Popular Posts.  Originally, I pulled it in to show the top five all time popular posts.  That would be translated into any particular posts that the most readers had clicked into (I guess).  At the beginning of April I changed it from the all time popular posts to the five most popular post this month.  It immediately adjusted the list.  It held steady with the same list most of the month so far until yesterday.  Then posts shifted.  I didn't know it would do that automatically.  (I don't know what exactly I thought it would do - maybe I just didn't think anybody actually clicked into ANY posts - I mean, who reads this anyway to click into anything.  I didn't actually think it would change).  SO...
Yes, what?  Oh, the widget.  It shifted yesterday. 
It seems I got some interest in the post iPod Review.  It was enough to displace Window Gazing completely off the list to put it at place five...but then this morning Home Again dropped from number one to number five, moving iPod Review to fourth and Unlax to the number one spot.  That also moved my original Rules of Writing to the number two spot.
I didn't realize when I added the widget it would actually keep score.  Or is it me keeping score?  Or is it me amazed that someone, anyone, would read anything that would change the scoring?
I guess due to this small shift I will have to conclude that the widget might actually work.  I guess.  Or no one actually did anything and it's malfunctioning.  And no, it isn't ME...I didn't pull those posts and anyway, I turned off all counters for myself on all the systems I might use to pull my blog.
Maybe I should read up on how that widget actually works.
TT

Word waiting room

I'm still here. I might have thought after two years I would have said enough to this blogging business. I might have thought I wouldn't still be putting these letters and words together here. And yet here they are again, appearing out of nowhere, from nothing. Until I scratch and delete and send them back to the non-place they were before waiting for someone else to pick a few to use them somewhere, anywhere.
Wouldn't that be an interesting place to be? The place where all the letters and words sat gathered together waiting to be called on to use. The word waiting room.
I imagine it being crowded. Not much room to move or places to sit with all spots being occupied and as soon as one left and made available there would be a rush to sit and fill the place left open. Squeezing into impossibly small spaces and getting frowns and grunts from the words and letters on either side. Those would be the larger, heavier words not used as often as the simpler, slight words that seemed to bounce back and forth, in and out. The ones that seem to multiply and appear in droves to crowd the room further just to be gone again and used as quickly as they came. The larger, heavier words might stay on those bench seats longer waiting and when finally called up they grunt and need to push themselves up to roll out and away from their cushion seat. They heave their pretentious selves up and out, always complaining along the way. Its better they move along before the once hip but no longer called on fad words start to make noise from their secluded corner where they team together reminiscing about how things were when they jumped back and forth from the room. When they were more popular than the short words that are always leaping to and fro. Couldn't they show those lean words a thing or two, why back when they were popular!?
There, of course, would be the solid everyday routine words. They sit and stand quietly interspersed among all the others. Plain and non-descript but solid and good at holding things together when flamboyance wasn't called for. They would have a decent share of mobility but were almost always invisible, not noticed if they were there or gone or when they arrived back.
An interesting place if there ever really was one.  I'd love to spy a while and see the exchanges that go on when things got a little too crowded, a little to stifling, when people decide to stop writing them and deleting them the way they are meant to be used and exchanged.  What would happen to the word waiting room if we didn't use the words?
Silly me.   What a thought!
TT

Been 2 yrs

Two years ago today on April 11, 2009 I started this blog. 
Two years. 
I didn't have a clue what a blog was.
I'm not sure I have figured it out yet.
I don't think anybody really wants to take the time and trouble to explain it to me.
It might be too late.
It hasn't stopped me.
I have 653 posts.
That is close to a post a day for almost 11 months out of both years.
Okay, so I took a little over a month off each year.
But not consecutive days. 
I also have 35,000 words (that's about 100 paperback pages) on my book.
Two years.
I didn't have a clue. 
TT

Yard work

It's late.  I'm tired.  Okay, 5:05pm isn't that late but then I've been busy.  I can't even say I got everything I wanted to get done but I did manage to finish a piece of a labor intensive job.  A piece is key here. 
I forego'd my morning run this morning to rake the front yard.  Yes, rake.  You see two Sunday's ago I tilled the entire front yard.  You see, my entire front yard had died.  It was brown, dry and full of weeds.  There wasn't any grass left to salvage and the few weeds weren't even healthy.  So I ground it all up.  After two weeks since tilling it and when I started up this morning it looked like this...

Good thing I don't have a large front lawn...Thank goodness I didn't have to do the back!  (It's huge!) 
So instead of running this morning I took advantage of that time and raked the lawn.  After about 50 minutes it looked like this...

Okay...not bad.  It does look a little better, doesn't it?  Now that I am looking at the picture I am wondering why my storm door is open.  Oh...nevermind...that's just me being distracted.  I told you I was tired.
I took a break.  Showered, went to breakfast with Jay, picked up some edging and mulch, came back, cleaned the kitchen, put on some fresh beans and didn't think I would do any more yard work.  But we did.
Jay helped put in some edging and then I put down the mulch and now the smaller part of the lawn looks like this...

I got a small portion of a larger job done.  Jay says he will call to find out about the grass and he might even have them deliver and lay it out.  That would mean I am about done.  It's going to look so much better.  Part of it already does.

I forego'd my run this morning but I'm tired.  I think I still got a workout.  I think I might grab that bottle of white wine I have in the fridge and do some ironing while watching a cooking show.  What?  It's not that late...it's only 5:05pm in the afternoon!

TT

Won't wait

I am waiting for daylight.  Yesterday, I was waiting for the weekend.  I have a friend that is waiting to meet the perfect guy.  I have another that is waiting...until they have more money, until they lose some weight, until it's a nicer day.  I wonder.
I wouldn't be waiting for daylight if I hadn't gotten a scourging for running before daylight, in the dark.  I had absolutely no problems and no problems arose except when I made the mistake of mentioning it to others when they asked.  "You ran in the dark?"  "What were you wearing?  Did you have reflective gear?  Did you carry mace?  Are you crazy?"  "Yes, no, no, no, yes-probably but not about this."
So now I am waiting to appease others inexperience with the situation.  That is just this instance of waiting.  While I was waiting for the weekend I was actually very busy at work.  We all do our fair share of waiting.  I guess the frustration comes when it becomes all about the waiting and not the doing.  At least for me.  Why wait if something can be done now?  Even if that something isn't exactly what you are waiting for.  Like cramming a few words together while you blow off steam waiting for daylight when you would have already gone out to run.  What?  Did you think this was going to be something inspirational about waiting?  Sure, okay...but not now.  I've waited long enough.  It's light enough for me.
Gotta run.
TT    

iPod review

I wrote up this nice piece about music.  I wrote how it has always been in my life, how it is something I remember from my childhood and how it is still a constant to this day.  I wrote about my childhood home being filled with music.  I wrote about listening to the music my Mom played on her stereo, my Dad singing and all the instruments my brothers played from banjo, harmonica, bongo, tamborines, six and twelve string guitars and piano.  I can pluck different songs and floating notes from the past.  I can piece together pictures from songs that were played at different times of my life.
I still consume large portions of music most of the time.  The type of music can vary widely and it would be hard to pinpoint a category that could be called my choice of music.  It wouldn't fit into the normal guidelines that separate the different genres of music.  My choices are too varied. It might be dangerous to put my iPod on shuffle because the mix it would produce might give anyone else a headache.
And that brought me to actually abandon my nice piece about music and look at my iPod.  That in itself can be a dangerous thing.  There I go again trying to learn something about myself from an electronic device.  It never seems to end well when I do that.  But I did it anyway.  I picked up my iPod and checked one of my playlists.  I wasn't thinking about the music - I was just scanning the titles.  Here was my first sampling:
Coming Undone, Hopeless, Going Under, Sound of Madness, Cry for Help, Basket Case...
Do I need to go on?  Sounds suspicious, doesn't it?  Are my electronics trying to point something out to me?  (Again)!
So I couldn't leave it at that.  Just because recently I may have a, a, I've had a...downturn in certain titles of songs I went to another list to find some, some, I went to find more positive titles.  Okay, yeah.  Here is what I found:
Merry Happy, Motivation, Love is Free, OK-It's alright with me, Good Enough. 
Ah heck.  Who am I kidding.  My music is my music is my music.  I didn't come up with the titles.  I only know I listen to alot of it and I have for a very long time and I will continue no matter what.  I can't make excuses for the music that might depict any type of insanity on my part or how the positive titles I listen to are only moderately positive.  (Ok is alright?  Good enough? - not exactly getting the highest scores on the positive meter now, are they)?
I guess there might be one title that might capture this entire situation.  Here is it:
Gone to the Dogs.
TT

And another

I just finished a book.  I had finished another before that and before that I finished a 5 book series.  The five book series was something new that was suggested to me and turned out to be very good.  The other two single books were the most recent in other series I have read all others in those particular series.  I am waiting for a couple of authors to come out with their next book in their series so I can read them. 
In the meantime I am reading random books.  I am giving other options a try but, yes, I am always reading something.  Always.
I do not kid about books being my constant companion.  They simply are.  I'm sorry to say (or not so sorry at times) that I spend more lunch times with my book than company.  I spend more hours reading than most people will spend doing (I'm going to be brave here) anything else.  I have questioned if I spend too much time reading.  I did it outloud once and was answered with, what is too much?  If you knew how much time I spent reading you might consider it too much.  I've counted how many books I have read in a year. (twice)  I'm not sure it was all that many.  And if it was, it didn't seem to be enough for me.
I just finished a book.  I just started another. 
TT

What next

This may seem dark but there isn't a trace of depression connected to it.  The thoughts probably came to surface with recent landmark birthdays with mine at the end of December and another for Jay just a few days ago.  We hit different years but would be considered landmarks just the same.  The thoughts seems to be a product of my over thinking small insignificant instances but they cross my mind.  The entire getting older and reaching these ages made me stop and think about what happens next.
Time seems to have made it a little rocky with my switching to his new older version of who I am.  After years of working toward all the things young people work so hard for, I got to the end of having done it all.  I have the house, the marriage, the kids, the debts are now paid and everything has gone the best ways possible.  They had, they have.  I won't say it wasn't without a lot of hard work and push and shove at times but isn't that what makes the end results that much better?  It really seems to be that fairy tale ending of they lived happily ever after.
Except when I got there, at that point of having done it, where was I?  I started to find out slowly that I was the same person I had been before all this life in the middle happened.  Don't get me wrong, I was that same person the entire time but there were higher priorities going on that needed my attention.  I certainly wasn't my main focus.  So when that focus shifted back, I was a little surprised when I realized all those things I was when I was younger were still there but I was so much older.  It caught me by surprise.  When my son says after seeing a picture of me and Jay..."when did my parents get old."  Or recently when I took care of Selma's six year old and he looked soulfully at me after two days of spending time together and said..."I know you're old, but I don't want you to die."
Neither statement meant anything.  I know that.  Sons don't want their parents to change and six year olds...well, isn't everyone old to a six year old?  So, here I am, the younger version of myself but older.  I have rediscovered some things creatively that I left behind but in a new way.  I am working toward things that I have found a genuine interest in and have the time to spend on them.
Huh.  I can't ever take anything for granted because that is when it will all change again.  It has proven that it will change over and again.  Now it's my time to do these things I shifted in my priority list and not worry about age.  I now get to do some of these different things at a different age.
Now I get to see what happens next.
TT        

Spineless

I was sent this picture. 
The words at the top, at first, gave me a good feeling of someone that was willing to stand behind me and support me in whatever I was doing.  That is what I've got your back means, doesn't it?  It means you are there for that person.
Then when I  looked at the picture I realized it was literal.  I was spineless.  I immediately sent a note back saying..."give it back!"
Quite the interesting thing to be sent.  It made me think.  These two poor stick people.  It gave it an entirely different meaning to what I received and I probably thought about it too hard.  It made me wonder if this person found my back somewhere laying around, picked it up and came running to return it to me?  Did they realize I was coming apart and went quickly to find my missing part so I could pull myself together?  That would be in keeping with the idea of someone having my back.  I think.
Or did they take my back when I wasn't aware and left me without a backbone?  Spineless. 
I think my immediate reaction to get it back might have saved me.  I think the element of my surprise and then demand got me all back together again.
Then again, it might only be a cutesy cartoon that no one gave anymore thought about than being a cutesy cartoon drawing of two stick people.
I was sent this picture.  Now all I want to do is draw my back back.
TT     

No recipe

Yesterday was Jay's Birthday.  Since it was a Monday and he is the only one scheduled to be off from work we celebrated on Sunday instead.  When asked what he wanted to have for dinner I was surprised when he said lasagna.  He doesn't ordinarily prefer Italian but he said this time it was what he wanted.  I immediately started calculating I could get a meat sauce going on Saturday and have it ready for Sunday afernoon to put everything together and then he said he would like to have some spinach lasagna.
"With white sauce?" I asked.
"Yes, you made it one time and it was really good."
"Okay.  I don't remember but I could do both."
"Do you want to go to all that trouble?"
I was thinking I wasn't sure about the spinach lasagna since I couldn't remember making it before so if it didn't work out at least I would have the regular.
"Yeah, I'll have the cheese and pasta already.  I'll make a smaller portion."
It was decided and I went for it.

It was decided both came out well.  I added some ground pork and a link of each mild and hot Italian sausage to the white sauce for the spinach lasagna.  And since it was a birthday, of course there was cake.  Jay likes white cake...with fruit.  So that is what I made.

It all seemed to turn out well. 

After coming home from work Monday afternoon Jay gave me some good advice.  I was tired and confessing my sins of needing to be better about watching what I had been eating, getting consistant with my exercise, write...  He told me to stop fretting about everything.  It's okay to have some downtime and to enjoy it.  We may not have all the time in the world but we should at least enjoy what is happening right now.  He is right, of course.  I enjoy all these things and right now it all should be enjoyed.  I guess wisdom might really come from age or is it from putting up with me for so long?   
Happy 60th Birthday, Jay.
TT

Writers comment

There is probably nothing I have come to enjoy as much as my Rules of Writing pieces.  They are about as therapeutic, comforting, and stress-relieving as some of my long runs.  (You can find a link to all of them under the Favorite Posts tab at the top).
I didn't know I was going to write my most recent (5) below until a few hours before I started typing it up.  I am not sure why but I'm especially happy with it.  Or maybe I know a little bit of why I am happy with it but don't want to come off as being pretentious by saying it.  I might be totally off my mark.  It's very possible.  It just doesn't feel that way to me and I guess there is no real way of knowing since I don't depend on this blog for readership, or feedback.  Granted, those would be nice in cases such as these but I won't let it make or break me.
I would like to think Rules of Writing, 5 is good from a writing standpoint.  I think I have gotten fairly good at capturing a moment in time.  I think I have been able to create something with the way I've put together the words to conjure a picture of it in the readers mind.  I would hope the characters are behaving in a real and natural way.  I also would like to think I've made the reader a little curious about these characters and left them wanting to know a little more about them.
It would all be well and good if these things were true.  I think in this particular segment I've come a progressive distance forward then some of what I may have put together two years ago.  I would like to think that.  It seems to feel that way but then I'm not the reader.
I am the writer.
TT
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Note: Please feel free to comment on this or any post.  I am especially open to feedback and have an open mind to whatever might come across yours.  Or email works, too. TintoriT@gmail.com   (If I can remember to check it)! 

Rules of Writing, 5

"I need to talk to Erik."
The dark haired receptionist glanced up at me from her work. Her eyes were molten brown and it was hard to read the lack of expression on her face. She seemed to be studying me until I realized she was listening to whoever was talking to her through the earpiece she wore. She parted her lips to speak but stopped and paused, listening again. At least that was what I thought. It was an awkward moment of trying to decide if she was talking to me or listening to someone else.
She finally broke the uncomfortable moment when she replied, “Thank you for calling the ROW office.” She touched the side of her earpiece and I saw the glossiness disappear from her eyes when she looked at me now.
“I don’t believe he is in,” she told me.
Erik is not in? What was she saying? Now I was the one with the far-away look in my eyes but I wasn’t listening to anyone else but my inner brain as it bombard me with multiple questions about how to proceed. Unfortunately, the only thing my mouth uttered was, “What?”
She looked at me. Did her eyes widen just a bit? Did her expression change in the least? It was hard to tell. She repeated, “Erik isn’t here this morning.”
“But, he’s always here,” I exclaimed then asked more softly, “Isn’t he?”
The receptionist looked down and moved a paper on her desk. It was hard to tell if she was going to answer me or if she decided I was too insignificant to answer. Maybe if she ignored me I would go away. I wasn’t sure what to do. Do I wait? Should I give her more time? Should I speak up or do I just leave?
I couldn’t leave. Not yet. So I asked, “Will he be here soon?”
“I can let you wait in conference room C,” she said without looking up. “It is the one down the hall toward the windows. You’ll find it on the left.” She had extended her arm and was pointing behind her and then touched her earpiece and said, “ROW office, how may I help you?”
I moved away from her desk and headed in the direction she pointed.
The hallway seemed to lengthen once I stepped foot on it. I could see the windows in the distance but they seemed to get farther away the more I moved toward them. It seemed to me it was going to take a longer time to get there than I thought but I kept moving forward.
I reached the door marked C and opened it to enter. I was startled to see a dark haired man sitting at the table.
“Oh, excuse me,” I said. “I thought this room was free.” I was backing out and pulling the door closed when he stood up.
“No, no. I just ducked in here for a moment. Please make yourself at home,” he said and gathered the papers he had on the table.
I held onto the doorknob but watched as he bent to get his papers. He wore a dark suit and was lean but muscled. I could see the broadness of his back and when he finished and stood up it confirmed my assumption that he was tall. He stood with the papers in front of him looking directly at me. I was frozen at the door until he said, “I’m Josh,” and extended one hand. I released the doorknob and took his hand to shake. “Nice to meet you,” I said.
He held my hand a moment longer and asked, “And you are…” letting it trail off.
I pumped his hand one more time and blurted, “Theresa, um Tintori. I usually talk to Erik when I come here. I was told to wait here.”
There was a playful look that flickered in his tawny eyes as he released my hand. He gave a small grin and said, “He might be a while. You are welcome to wait but maybe I could be of some service this morning.”
The weight of his words slowed my brain function. I was trying to process everything as quickly as possible but it was beginning to be too much information too quickly. Erik not being here. Should I wait? Who is this? Josh. Wants to help? Do I stay and wait. Should I leave and come back later. Do I want to talk to Josh?
“Okay,” I said and went to sit at the table. What did I say? What was I doing? Ssshh, I told myself.
Josh pulled out the chair he had been sitting at before and sat across from me. There was still a grin on his face but it had warmed to the same degree as his eyes. He placed his papers down in a stack and folded his arms on top of the table. He looked across at me and asked, “So what brought you into our office this morning?”
I shrugged, I looked away. I realized this room had windows lining the far wall. I could see a distance out into the clear sky before turning back to answer Josh. “It’s nothing, really,” I said as I shook my head. “I shouldn’t waste your time.”
Josh tilted his head to one side, “You came all the way here. You might as well let me know.”
I paused and looked down at the table. My finger was drawing an imaginary line along the edge. “I was just here to share,” I finally said.
Josh smiled, “What were you going to share?”
I put my hand down in my lap and looked up at Josh. I wondered if I should wait but the look on his face invited me to go on. I finally opened up and explained. “I wrote a short piece recently that was an April fool’s joke. I came up with an idea and wrote it all down trying to make it as believable as I could.”
Josh leaned in, “That sounds interesting.”
“It was. The idea was how I was not going to write my book anymore. I am half way finished with it but I said I had wasted too much time and it wasn’t any good and how I kept struggling with it. I wrote that I was done. No more book.” I went on, “The problem was I didn’t expect how I felt after I wrote the piece.”
“How did you feel?” questioned Josh.
“I was really sad.” I didn’t expect what happened next. The moment I admitted that to Josh my eyes welled up with tears. I frowned and looked down and then away at the windows again. I tried to blink and sniff the tears away but the tightness in my chest was making it hard to hold back. I felt a brush on my wrist and when I looked down I saw a white starched handkerchief. I took it and dabbed the moisture that had fallen from my eyes and cleared my throat. I looked down at my hands and the wet handkerchief. “I’m sorry about that. I didn’t think it would happen again.”
“Again?”
“Yeah. I got this way when I read back what I had written about stopping. The joke,” I lifted my hand holding the handkerchief in the air and let it drop.
“You didn’t expect it.”
“No,” I said turning to him. “I knew I had struggled with the writing. I have had countless thoughts that I have wasted time on something that will never be anything. I would be embarrassed to answer anyone who asked me how long I’ve spent on it already and still not be finished.”
“And yet.”
“And yet, I learned this isn’t easy and it really takes work. It isn’t the fantasy that I am going to be inspired and write and hole myself away for hours and days and know exactly how everything will fall perfectly into place as I go. I don’t seem to work that way. I had to battle myself the first half of this draft with all of these personal insecurities and now that I have…well, now that I have done this I couldn’t stand the thought of stopping. It didn’t matter the quality or my preconceptions of how it wasn’t holding up to my own standards.”
“So the thought of quitting upset you.”
I looked hard at Josh. I wasn’t sure if I was on the brink of tearing up again. I wouldn’t tear up again and it took only a moment for my solid resolve to come storming through. I held his gaze and said, “It did. More than I ever expected.”
His eyes crinkled at the edges. He threw back his head and let out a bark of a laugh.
My face paled. A frown creased my brow. “Are you laughing at me!?”
“With you, my dear, with you” he tried to assure me. “I would love to read your piece. When an author evokes her own emotion in words…aren’t you laughing now, too?”
I sat stunned. Was I? Was I glad to know the thought was so upsetting no matter all the many logical reasons I tried to come up with for stopping? Wasn’t the force of the emotion I felt proof to me it was worth continuing? It was and maybe that was what I needed to share. And I grinned and I smiled and I laughed with Josh at the table.
The door opened and I turned in the midst of my chuckling.
Erik stood at the door. He held the doorknob in the same way I had when I first arrived. I stood up immediately and reached my arms up around him. I placed a kiss on his check and released him to see the startled look on his face. I was smiling and he smoothed the front of his jacket with a long fingered hand as he raised a blond brow and stuttered, “I, I was told you were waiting for me.”
“I was,” I exclaimed. “But I need to be going now. Things are going fine and Josh here will,” I turned to point at Josh who was now standing behind me. “Josh will fill you in.” I turned to face Josh and extended my hand. “You will let Erik know everything is fine, won’t you?”
“Of course,” he acknowledged as he shook and released my hand.
I turned again and walked past Erik. He stepped aside as I went through the door. I turned to both tall men now looking toward me and gave them a wave. “Thanks so much,” I said and left them in conference room C as I made my way down the long corridor that was getting shorter with my every step.
TT

I'm done

I need to take a moment to get this out and over with.  I have been thinking about this for a while and I keep coming back to the same place no matter which way I try to look at it.  I have been pushing and trying to figure this out.  I have spent too much time and energy and focus.  I have tried to press on against underconfidence and feelings of inadequacy but it doesn't seem to go away.  There have been times I have rallied and come back and I even found ways to regroup and press on but it doesn't seem to be working.
I can't do it.  It's time I admit it and put it aside.  I can't keep pushing.
I will not be going on with my fiction, my project, my book.  I am stopping here,  I am leaving it unfinished because I can't do it.  I keep trying but I end up in the same place.  Nowhere.  I don't know why I even thought I could.  What got into my head that made me even think this was something I could even attempt?  What fueled me to start and try for so long?  What was I thinking?
I don't have what it takes to get this done.  It isn't even close to being anywhere acceptable.  It isn't good enough.  I don't see how it ever could be.  I tried to tell myself to keep at it.  I tried to say I just wanted to finish.  I tried to say I was only doing it for myself but the more time I spent on it the more I questioned why I was bothering to spend the time.  I knew it wasn't worth the hours I was wasting on it.  There was good reason why I kept questioned myself about why I kept working on it.  I knew it was a waste of time.  I can't say how many times I went back and forth.  I've struggled and seemed to make some headway but would end up struggling again.  Deep down I knew I couldn't come up with what was needed to make it worth the time and work I kept putting into it.
So that's it.  I've made the decision to stop writing my fiction and that will be that.  I've deleted all my files.  I've thrown out the flash drive and I've gotten rid of the hard copies.  I've emptied the binder, pitched the index cards and disposed of the notes.  No more.  There is no more book to work on.
I'm done.

Did you believe any part of this?  I have to tell you now that none of it is true - I made it all up.  I have not stopped or gotten rid of any part or portion of my book.  I still have all of my files, my flash drive, my hard copies.  I have my binder and index cards and numerous notes.  I had a little fun writing up this exercise in fiction above.  I couldn't help getting into the spirit of the day - April Fools Day - and I hoped it might have drawn you in and that you found it believable.  I conjured it up to be an active participant in starting off the month of April.
Truth be told...I have spent a lot of time wondering if I was wasting time on something that would never measure up or be worth the work.  Truth be told...I don't know the answer to that but it doesn't matter and I'm too far along to consider giving up.  I've had too much fun and I am doing this for myself.  That measures up and is worthy enough for me.  I ain't stoppin'. 
Have a happy first of April!
TT