Yes. Today is my birthday. I am 55 years old today. Born in 1955 and 55 today. I had found other references to fives a short while ago but I can't remember them now. It must be my advanced age.
I think they say as you get older your memory starts to go but I can't really recall if that is accurate. They say a lot of things are supposed to happen as you get older that aren't necessarily positive. They say when you hit 30 or 40 or 50 (I can't remember which) you gain weight and it's harder to lose. Funny. I lost weight in my fifties and am the best weight of my entire life. I don't remember it being particularly hard to do.
They also say that there are things you can't do anymore or are taking chances if you push yourself physically at my age. I think that is what they say, I don't recollect exactly. Funny. I ran a half marathon this year. I would like to keep training to see if I am able to run the full marathon next year. I'll have to keep that in mind if I am able.
They say older people are more prone to illness. I may be jinxing myself but I can't remember the last time I had a cold, or flu or cough. I haven't been ill in a long time unless you count the anemia I had over a year ago. Or maybe I just don't remember being sick. They say it's possible, right? That being as old as I am it may just be dementia...if I could only remember what that is.
Actually, I do recall, recollect, and remember all of these things pretty well for someone my age. If only I could remember who they are.
Oh, and yes, I always wait for the very last possible day of the year for my birthday. I wait until New Years Eve when everyone is in a party mood and there is always something to do if I choose.
It is also much easier to remember.
TT
Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, December 30, 2010
No plans
This is the final wind down on the calendar. There are only two days left showing for 2010 and for me not having to bother with going in to work has been transforming. It is a very small degree but one (me) would never know the subtle benefits of releasing some responsibilites every now and again until they (I) have allowed it for much more than the shortest possible time. The best part of it (for me) has been that I did not plan a thing. I didn't want to plan anything. I am reaping the rewards right now of being able to take advantage of being here, comfortable in my own home. To be able to bang around my own walls and do my normal things without having to check the time or schedule. To account for nothing and for that to be okay.
Splendid. Truly splendid.
One thing I did last night was take notes downstairs and spread them out on my bed. I normally only work on that upstairs at my desk but moving them yesterday seemed the right thing to do. I don't need the laptop unless I am doing actual writing. I seem to write all my notes and ideas longhand and it isn't until I am ready to put actual words to a page that I use the laptop. I knew I had work to do before I could start back up with actual writing. I still do. But I got a good start on it yesterday and will hopefully continue to define it even more today. (Should I stop this here now to get going? - that is always an internal debate I don't know the score on).
Maybe that's exactly what I should do right now since it wasn't planned.
TT
Splendid. Truly splendid.
One thing I did last night was take notes downstairs and spread them out on my bed. I normally only work on that upstairs at my desk but moving them yesterday seemed the right thing to do. I don't need the laptop unless I am doing actual writing. I seem to write all my notes and ideas longhand and it isn't until I am ready to put actual words to a page that I use the laptop. I knew I had work to do before I could start back up with actual writing. I still do. But I got a good start on it yesterday and will hopefully continue to define it even more today. (Should I stop this here now to get going? - that is always an internal debate I don't know the score on).
Maybe that's exactly what I should do right now since it wasn't planned.
TT
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Shifting focus
It is that time of year I start to think back about what I have done and what has happened during this past year. My natural progression is to then think forward to the coming year to map out plans to get new things done and put into motion things I want to do. I haven't done too much or really any of that this time. The only thing I have thought about is this recent past holiday.
I was sitting at the kitchen table on Christmas day with my younger son, Dante, and Sonnys' (my older sons') girlfriend, Selma. I had been forced to sit earlier by all three since it was apparent to all but me that I was getting frantic with the dinner preparations. They wanted me to pause and sit still and decreed I could not get up again until I finished two glasses of wine since I hadn't yet touched my first. It wasn't about drinking wine but making me stop and enjoy. They knew the dinner preparations were well under way and it was time to shift my focus. How well do they know me?
I very dutifully took my seat and it was pleasant. It did take me a few sips to turn down my feelings to get up and get started again but I managed. Somehow the conversation came around to my writing. Dante wanted to know about my book. He has always been a big supporter of my writing. He listened as I explained the draft wasn't done but I was going to rework the story goal and how I felt better equipped to get it done. He wanted to know when...February? So we could do something with it by say...August? Something with it?! Now he knows I am only writing it for myself but always goes past me on that. My goal is to write the first draft. He knows I am not thinking about anything else beyond that but he knows I can't stop him from thinking beyond and he isn't afraid to let me know.
I diverted the conversation by mentioning I had written a Rules of Writing, 4. He smiled. He knows about my pieces of fiction I have put here in the blog when I have gotten frustrated with my writing. He knows the offices I created to run to every time I build a major stumbling block for myself. We talked about the piece for a minute or so and it turned out that Selma had read the recent Rules of Writing, 4. She thought it was wonderful that I had this really kind supervisor named Eric that would listen to me whenever I had these problems I wanted to vent.
That is when Dante and I got an inkling that Selma was thinking there was a little more truth about Eric than there ever was. She said again she thought Eric was my supervisor...but a real one. Dante explained that those pieces are all fiction. I made them up. There isn't really an office. Selma added she remembers me going down this long corridor and Dante said, yes, and the receptionist. Yes, and Eric just lets me talk and...
I don't think she took the news that Eric wasn't real too well. I think she was a little bummed.
Dante turned to me and explained what I didn't need to be explained. He did it to reinforce the obvious since I have a tendency not to acknowledge some of the better things I do. He said, "she just gave you the best compliment she could give you, thinking your fiction was real." I know, I had to admit. That is when Dante brought the conversation back to the book and when was he going to get a chance to read it. He explained what I already knew - that he isn't a reader. He doesn't read. But he wants to read my book. I rapidly tried to explain it isn't a type of book he would even have any interest in. The subject isn't...
So when? I don't read but I want to read your book.
There really wasn't any way for me to get around that kind of support. A glass of wine, laughing at the kitchen table, a big compliment, and a show of support. How could I have a better way to look forward when I have things like this to look back on?
So it isn't necessary for me to mull through the past year to evaluate and plan. The best thing for me to do is to continue from my most recent positives to move forward. It doesn't take much to get equipped for the new year. Most people probably don't give it as much thought as I have done in the past. This year I know it will just take the right amount of focused effort and the smallest bit of support. I seem to have managed some healthy portions of both.
TT
I was sitting at the kitchen table on Christmas day with my younger son, Dante, and Sonnys' (my older sons') girlfriend, Selma. I had been forced to sit earlier by all three since it was apparent to all but me that I was getting frantic with the dinner preparations. They wanted me to pause and sit still and decreed I could not get up again until I finished two glasses of wine since I hadn't yet touched my first. It wasn't about drinking wine but making me stop and enjoy. They knew the dinner preparations were well under way and it was time to shift my focus. How well do they know me?
I very dutifully took my seat and it was pleasant. It did take me a few sips to turn down my feelings to get up and get started again but I managed. Somehow the conversation came around to my writing. Dante wanted to know about my book. He has always been a big supporter of my writing. He listened as I explained the draft wasn't done but I was going to rework the story goal and how I felt better equipped to get it done. He wanted to know when...February? So we could do something with it by say...August? Something with it?! Now he knows I am only writing it for myself but always goes past me on that. My goal is to write the first draft. He knows I am not thinking about anything else beyond that but he knows I can't stop him from thinking beyond and he isn't afraid to let me know.
I diverted the conversation by mentioning I had written a Rules of Writing, 4. He smiled. He knows about my pieces of fiction I have put here in the blog when I have gotten frustrated with my writing. He knows the offices I created to run to every time I build a major stumbling block for myself. We talked about the piece for a minute or so and it turned out that Selma had read the recent Rules of Writing, 4. She thought it was wonderful that I had this really kind supervisor named Eric that would listen to me whenever I had these problems I wanted to vent.
That is when Dante and I got an inkling that Selma was thinking there was a little more truth about Eric than there ever was. She said again she thought Eric was my supervisor...but a real one. Dante explained that those pieces are all fiction. I made them up. There isn't really an office. Selma added she remembers me going down this long corridor and Dante said, yes, and the receptionist. Yes, and Eric just lets me talk and...
I don't think she took the news that Eric wasn't real too well. I think she was a little bummed.
Dante turned to me and explained what I didn't need to be explained. He did it to reinforce the obvious since I have a tendency not to acknowledge some of the better things I do. He said, "she just gave you the best compliment she could give you, thinking your fiction was real." I know, I had to admit. That is when Dante brought the conversation back to the book and when was he going to get a chance to read it. He explained what I already knew - that he isn't a reader. He doesn't read. But he wants to read my book. I rapidly tried to explain it isn't a type of book he would even have any interest in. The subject isn't...
So when? I don't read but I want to read your book.
There really wasn't any way for me to get around that kind of support. A glass of wine, laughing at the kitchen table, a big compliment, and a show of support. How could I have a better way to look forward when I have things like this to look back on?
So it isn't necessary for me to mull through the past year to evaluate and plan. The best thing for me to do is to continue from my most recent positives to move forward. It doesn't take much to get equipped for the new year. Most people probably don't give it as much thought as I have done in the past. This year I know it will just take the right amount of focused effort and the smallest bit of support. I seem to have managed some healthy portions of both.
TT
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Downtime
You might think I would be pounding this keyboard with much more ferocity with the extreme amount of time off I have had than the mere piddling amount I have to show for it now. I would have thought that too. I would have hoped that was the case.
What I didn't realize was the amount of time it has taken me to decompress, destress and try to find a balanced normal. I haven't gotten there even yet but I am beginning to see that there is a difference and I don't want to return to the land of the self-imposed frenzy. I am purposefully going to take my down time as I should and truly use it as down time. The important thing about this is I am also not going to think twice about the amount of time I could be using to do other things right now. I am not going to pull out the guilt card and tell myself how I am wasting the time. It isn't a waste. It is what I should allow myself more often than I have or I wouldn't be needing this amount of time to recover.
I will come out of this more rested, more relaxed and better able to think clearly in order to put together my ideas. I found an index card while sorting through my story ideas with these words written down to describe the advantages I felt I had found within myself to improve my writing:
Discipline, strength, accomplishment, self-recognition and confidence.
Those are some pretty strong things to say about myself. They are especially strong when I think I wrote these down because I believed them to be true about my writing. The sheer physical and mental exhaustion I have pushed myself into lately has had a negative effect on what I know deeper down and this is my opportunity to correct that. I can feel it getting better already even if I know it is taking longer that I wish it was.
But it is happening. If I let it take it's proper course I will be there much sooner than later and with so many more advantages, like the words I wrote on the index card. With a smidgen more time I will be pounding the keyboard not just with ferocity but with clear confidence. I have no doubt.
TT
What I didn't realize was the amount of time it has taken me to decompress, destress and try to find a balanced normal. I haven't gotten there even yet but I am beginning to see that there is a difference and I don't want to return to the land of the self-imposed frenzy. I am purposefully going to take my down time as I should and truly use it as down time. The important thing about this is I am also not going to think twice about the amount of time I could be using to do other things right now. I am not going to pull out the guilt card and tell myself how I am wasting the time. It isn't a waste. It is what I should allow myself more often than I have or I wouldn't be needing this amount of time to recover.
I will come out of this more rested, more relaxed and better able to think clearly in order to put together my ideas. I found an index card while sorting through my story ideas with these words written down to describe the advantages I felt I had found within myself to improve my writing:
Discipline, strength, accomplishment, self-recognition and confidence.
Those are some pretty strong things to say about myself. They are especially strong when I think I wrote these down because I believed them to be true about my writing. The sheer physical and mental exhaustion I have pushed myself into lately has had a negative effect on what I know deeper down and this is my opportunity to correct that. I can feel it getting better already even if I know it is taking longer that I wish it was.
But it is happening. If I let it take it's proper course I will be there much sooner than later and with so many more advantages, like the words I wrote on the index card. With a smidgen more time I will be pounding the keyboard not just with ferocity but with clear confidence. I have no doubt.
TT
Monday, December 27, 2010
Escaped
I think this might be a good representation of the holiday.
Actually this is the only baking I have done and I managed this only because we didn't have a planned dessert for Christmas dinner. It's simply Chocolate Almond Biscotti and a holiday variation of my PC cookies. Instead of the PC being Pecan Chocolate I altered it to Pistachio Cranberry - for the holiday, of course.
It was a very good holiday. It seems to be still going for me. I don't think I came upstairs for the past two days. I didn't check an email or turn on an electronic device for that entire time. Sonny's girlfriend, Selma, even noticed that I didn't have my laptop with me. I can't even recount what I have done with my time for the past few days except that I think it may be what I needed and can use a little more of the same. I'm planning on it.
TT
Friday, December 24, 2010
Wet socks
And then I woke up and it was Christmas eve. It was. (Right now, in real time, it still is but work with me here). It was everything that should have been wonderful and magical and I had this enormous foggy cloud following me that I tried to gulp down like cotton candy. It was too large to swallow and much to cloying. It was making me ill. And it felt worse since it was Christmas Eve when all should be right.
I had gotten up early and headed to the grocery store to get the few items I purposely waited to purchase so they would be as fresh as possible. I had a list but kept forgetting items and would have to re-trace my steps. I couldn't seem to think through a menu item to make sure I had everything. I was beginning to get overwhelmed - in the grocery store, on Christmas Eve, when everyone is smiling and I am taking deep breaths and almost in tears since they don't have oysters in the shell but only fresh shucked. How do I make Oysters Rockefeller without a shell? Ordinarily I would be able to improvise. I would either come up with another way to do oysters or figure a substitute for the shell. I couldn't seem to get past it. I wandered aimlessly down a few aisles until I finally just bought the oysters they had and decided to figure it out later. For God's sake, woman, get a grip.
So I made it out of the store and home. I put things away and finished wrapping the last of the unwrapped gifts. The cloud hovered over me the entire time. Jay got up to get ready for work and noticed it right away. "What happened?" he asked.
"Nothing."
"Not nothing, it's all over your face."
Oh gads, I thought, shouldn't have tried to eat so much of it.
"It's Christmas Eve", he went on, "everything is good."
"I know. I'm good. Just letting things get to me."
"Stop worrying. You've done good. Everything is fine."
And it is fine but blue clouds happen...shall I say...out of the blue.
So now I have come back after a run. Yes, outside. Yes, I know, on Christmas Eve. But it was a splendid run. Over four miles in my own neighborhood, 73 degrees, wonderful. I am soaking, sopping wet. My running shoes are drenched and I have to squeeze the water out my socks. The last mile of my run I headed right into a downpour. Not just rain but a full-force driving storm. It should have put me over the edge. It should have sent me home crying like a whiny baby. Somehow, someway, only for me it helped bring me out of the haze. It washed away the cloying illness and gave me the simplest reminder of how life is all in what I make of it. What was I going to do? What were my choices? Stop and walk in the rain? Finish and enjoy my run? I certainly would be out of the rain sooner if I kept running. So I did. Look at her. Crazy, crazy person running in a thunderstorm.
Yes. I needed to go crazy, crazy to bring myself back in order to the appreciate the wonderful and magical. Taking it all too, too seriously doesn't really help at times. What are the choices when you are stuck in a thunderstorm? Stop, slow down and let it wash you away or since you are already wet, enjoy the free shower and later laugh as you dry off and squeeze out your socks.
So now, since in real time it still is Christmas Eve, I am off to make the very best of what is left of it.
I am also sincerely hoping the best of this wonderful and magical time for you, too. One and all.
TT
I had gotten up early and headed to the grocery store to get the few items I purposely waited to purchase so they would be as fresh as possible. I had a list but kept forgetting items and would have to re-trace my steps. I couldn't seem to think through a menu item to make sure I had everything. I was beginning to get overwhelmed - in the grocery store, on Christmas Eve, when everyone is smiling and I am taking deep breaths and almost in tears since they don't have oysters in the shell but only fresh shucked. How do I make Oysters Rockefeller without a shell? Ordinarily I would be able to improvise. I would either come up with another way to do oysters or figure a substitute for the shell. I couldn't seem to get past it. I wandered aimlessly down a few aisles until I finally just bought the oysters they had and decided to figure it out later. For God's sake, woman, get a grip.
So I made it out of the store and home. I put things away and finished wrapping the last of the unwrapped gifts. The cloud hovered over me the entire time. Jay got up to get ready for work and noticed it right away. "What happened?" he asked.
"Nothing."
"Not nothing, it's all over your face."
Oh gads, I thought, shouldn't have tried to eat so much of it.
"It's Christmas Eve", he went on, "everything is good."
"I know. I'm good. Just letting things get to me."
"Stop worrying. You've done good. Everything is fine."
And it is fine but blue clouds happen...shall I say...out of the blue.
So now I have come back after a run. Yes, outside. Yes, I know, on Christmas Eve. But it was a splendid run. Over four miles in my own neighborhood, 73 degrees, wonderful. I am soaking, sopping wet. My running shoes are drenched and I have to squeeze the water out my socks. The last mile of my run I headed right into a downpour. Not just rain but a full-force driving storm. It should have put me over the edge. It should have sent me home crying like a whiny baby. Somehow, someway, only for me it helped bring me out of the haze. It washed away the cloying illness and gave me the simplest reminder of how life is all in what I make of it. What was I going to do? What were my choices? Stop and walk in the rain? Finish and enjoy my run? I certainly would be out of the rain sooner if I kept running. So I did. Look at her. Crazy, crazy person running in a thunderstorm.
Yes. I needed to go crazy, crazy to bring myself back in order to the appreciate the wonderful and magical. Taking it all too, too seriously doesn't really help at times. What are the choices when you are stuck in a thunderstorm? Stop, slow down and let it wash you away or since you are already wet, enjoy the free shower and later laugh as you dry off and squeeze out your socks.
So now, since in real time it still is Christmas Eve, I am off to make the very best of what is left of it.
I am also sincerely hoping the best of this wonderful and magical time for you, too. One and all.
TT
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Short rush
It's a race this morning. I got up later than usual but didn't seem to move any faster. That means I have less time to spend before heading out to work. I could make a list of "I would rathers" about what I should be doing but I don't have time. I don't think it would be all that interesting anyway. Probably not.
But I will rush out and complete another day of work. I can smile while I say that this morning - once I get this day behind me (the work day part) I will be off, on vacation, using my own free time.
After working today I will be out from work until next year.
It has a nice ring to it. I am liking the way that sounds. I am sure I will like the way it feels even better.
Finally...vacation.
TT
But I will rush out and complete another day of work. I can smile while I say that this morning - once I get this day behind me (the work day part) I will be off, on vacation, using my own free time.
After working today I will be out from work until next year.
It has a nice ring to it. I am liking the way that sounds. I am sure I will like the way it feels even better.
Finally...vacation.
TT
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Days, miles
I have managed to run 4 times this week. Yes. Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. Four days in a row. I didn't give myself the option of deciding if the weather would be good enough, nice enough, warm enough but packed my gym bag and just knew I had to go to the gym. I went the past four days.
But I have only totaled 17 miles for those four days. Only 17 miles. I should be...nah..nan...na, na, na...stop. Stop that. Did you see that?
First comes the positive and then take it down and prove how it doesn't measure up. Not good enough...doesn't cut it. No matter that there wasn't a single mile the entire rest of the month. No matter there were zero miles before these past four days in a row as I sweat it out on an abominable treadmill. No matter. Happens every time. You could almost count on it.
Ah well, so.
Who even exercises the week of Christmas!? But 4 runs are 4 runs. 17 miles are 17 miles. Anyway, isn't there something about the 12 miles of Christmas? So then I'm ahead by 5 miles!
No, I know, that was 12 days not miles.
TT
But I have only totaled 17 miles for those four days. Only 17 miles. I should be...nah..nan...na, na, na...stop. Stop that. Did you see that?
First comes the positive and then take it down and prove how it doesn't measure up. Not good enough...doesn't cut it. No matter that there wasn't a single mile the entire rest of the month. No matter there were zero miles before these past four days in a row as I sweat it out on an abominable treadmill. No matter. Happens every time. You could almost count on it.
Ah well, so.
Who even exercises the week of Christmas!? But 4 runs are 4 runs. 17 miles are 17 miles. Anyway, isn't there something about the 12 miles of Christmas? So then I'm ahead by 5 miles!
No, I know, that was 12 days not miles.
TT
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Sink or swim
I am engulfed in thoughts. I am being pulled into the undertow of ideas and notes. I feel like I am suffocating in the depths and not sure if I will make it to the surface to gasp in that much needed breath.
I have an enormous amount of work to do. I keep floundering with the direction of my book and fighting the disappointment of knowing I wasn't able to complete a simple first draft in a years' time.
I thought I was okay with the fact that I hadn't finished but somehow seeing the text staring back at me, admitting I failed, left me with a feeling of being less than zero, more than blank. It was a failed attempt and there wasn't a way to fix it. Not this year anyway.
So that was yesterday and although not too much more has happened since then I have had an explosion on my desk. Not literally. If I thought that would have helped I would have engaged my feeble mind to do that a week ago. It has been close to a week that I started pulling out not only my printed pages of the book I have written so far but every index card, pages (upon pages) of notes and character sketches, plot lines and story goal. I have an explosion of paper on my desk, scattered at different times during the past week on every surface of my desk and laptop keyboard. I haven't re-read a single word written except what is contained in all the notes. No real progress has been made except the sorting of pencil loaded scribbles across pages and cards. That much has taken me a week. Not too much work to show. None really. Messing up your desk doesn't count as work.
But since I am taking total sole responsibility for this perceived failure I am allowing myself a way back that is my own. I started this project so unsure about what I was doing that I followed books and advice on every which way that was supposed to be the better or the right way to do it. I didn't always follow my own instincts but wanted so badly to do it right I went along with the advice that might not have been best for me. Not only did it not turn out right but it didn't turn out at all. So yesterday I wrote myself a note that states...I make my own rules! and another in underlined large letters ... It's okay.
I feel like I might be better equipped this time around. I realized the need for some changes that I will implement. I have more preliminary work to figure out before anything is re-read or re-written. But I have some solid ideas that has modified my original story goal. I have a better idea how to start fleshing out my outline. I have filled in some history on characters that should propel their motivations. That seems fairly major and so much better to me.
I have an enormous amount of work to do but instead of letting it all pull me down, I might be able to catch a breath after all.
TT
I have an enormous amount of work to do. I keep floundering with the direction of my book and fighting the disappointment of knowing I wasn't able to complete a simple first draft in a years' time.
I thought I was okay with the fact that I hadn't finished but somehow seeing the text staring back at me, admitting I failed, left me with a feeling of being less than zero, more than blank. It was a failed attempt and there wasn't a way to fix it. Not this year anyway.
So that was yesterday and although not too much more has happened since then I have had an explosion on my desk. Not literally. If I thought that would have helped I would have engaged my feeble mind to do that a week ago. It has been close to a week that I started pulling out not only my printed pages of the book I have written so far but every index card, pages (upon pages) of notes and character sketches, plot lines and story goal. I have an explosion of paper on my desk, scattered at different times during the past week on every surface of my desk and laptop keyboard. I haven't re-read a single word written except what is contained in all the notes. No real progress has been made except the sorting of pencil loaded scribbles across pages and cards. That much has taken me a week. Not too much work to show. None really. Messing up your desk doesn't count as work.
But since I am taking total sole responsibility for this perceived failure I am allowing myself a way back that is my own. I started this project so unsure about what I was doing that I followed books and advice on every which way that was supposed to be the better or the right way to do it. I didn't always follow my own instincts but wanted so badly to do it right I went along with the advice that might not have been best for me. Not only did it not turn out right but it didn't turn out at all. So yesterday I wrote myself a note that states...I make my own rules! and another in underlined large letters ... It's okay.
I feel like I might be better equipped this time around. I realized the need for some changes that I will implement. I have more preliminary work to figure out before anything is re-read or re-written. But I have some solid ideas that has modified my original story goal. I have a better idea how to start fleshing out my outline. I have filled in some history on characters that should propel their motivations. That seems fairly major and so much better to me.
I have an enormous amount of work to do but instead of letting it all pull me down, I might be able to catch a breath after all.
TT
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Rules of Writing, 4
I was sitting alone in a small conference room with an undersized table. It had three chairs around it matching the one I was sitting in. There wasn’t room for anything else and the quietness of the entire area made the walls seem too close and gave me the feeling they were closing in on me.
I had been allowed to come directly back to this room by the dark haired receptionist at the front desk. She remembered me although I hadn’t been in the ROW office since January of this year. I was still finding it hard to believe it had been that long.
January, I thought. What happened to my resolution to finish the first draft of my book this year? Here it is December. Where did the time go? I was thinking back through all the events that had transpired over the many past months that had eclipsed the moments I needed to pull together more words for my draft. I had been on a steady track and then...
I was abruptly brought out of my thoughts as a familiar, tall, Nordic-looking man opened the door, came in and filled the tiny conference room.
“Nick!” I exclaimed and stood up. I felt a certain jubilation on seeing him again knowing he could help me sort through my dilemma.
He paused a moment and smoothed the front of his suit jacket with a thin hand. “Don’t you mean Eric?” he raised one blond brow as he asked looking down at me.
It was my turn to pause and correct myself. “Yes, Eric,” I nodded. “Oh course! I mean Eric.”
He gave me a one sided grin never releasing the arch of his brow and indicated my chair to allow me to seat myself. I sat down and he slid into the chair next to me. After enduring his careful scrutiny he stated more soberly, “You seem lost.”
I looked up at at his piercing blue eyes and tried to explain. “Time seems to have gotten away from me. I was doing fine and then maybe I got too comfortable or maybe just lazy.”
Eric moved closer to the table to rest his bent elbow on it. He held his chin and cheekbone against his thumb and index finger and said, ‘Go on.”
I gathered my thoughts and started again. “The writing seems to have become easier. I am not struggling endlessly with second guessing myself on every other word. I can write without twelve index cards worth of ideas.” I paused for a moment to try to read his expression and when it didn’t change I went on. “So the writing has changed for the better and it seems to have made me nervous. Am I not allowed to feel a little better to not have to struggle at every turn like before? So am I making myself struggle? To feel like it’s okay? This new ease should be a good thing but since it is different I seem to be fighting myself.”
“So you stopped writing,” he said.
I looked down at my hands and nodded. “Yes. I can’t seem to make the time. I keep putting it off thinking it isn’t as hard, I shrugged, that I’ll get to it.”
“And now you will miss your deadline of the end of the year for your first draft.”
I nodded at my hands again. “Uh huh.” Looking up I said, “But I think I am okay with that. I can't stop the time. So I won’t finish this year but I can still keep going. I will need to do a re-read and take written notes this time so I know what I have covered already. I can firm up my outline since it is too bare bones and I will have a better idea of where I am taking the story and not have to go back and forth and change my ideas midstream. This way I won’t have to figure it out as I go but I will have a better plan to know what information I need to cover and write about next.”
Eric moved his hand down from his face and asked, “When did you start.”
“Start what?” I asked frowning.
“Any of it, he said as he spread out his hands showing me his palms. “Any part of what you just said.”
My eyes got big and I admitted, “I haven’t. I haven’t started any of it.”
He calmly moved the cloth of his jacket sleeve back from his wrist to reveal his watch. He looked at it intently without saying a word.
My eyes must have gotten even bigger as I stammered, “I didn’t mean to take so much of your time, Eric. I know you are busy.” I anxiously went to grab my handbag and stood to let myself out. I wasn't sure I was ready to leave but didn't want to overstay.
He released the cloth of his jacket and smiled at me as he placed his hands down on the table. He used some of my own words back to me as he said, “I know you are busy, but it’s your own time you would be taking. Take some for your writing.”
I looked back at Eric as I stood for a moment. “So I shouldn’t worry about where to start back but just start, shouldn’t I? If I do any of the things I mentioned, I will be making time for it, wouldn’t I?”
Eric stood up and towered over me.
I said, "Once I start, I will fill in the times and plan the time like everything else I do, won't I?"
He smoothed the front of his jacket again and and smiled as he indicated the door as he said, “It’s always a pleasure to make time for you, Theresa. Start making some for your writing.”
TT
I had been allowed to come directly back to this room by the dark haired receptionist at the front desk. She remembered me although I hadn’t been in the ROW office since January of this year. I was still finding it hard to believe it had been that long.
January, I thought. What happened to my resolution to finish the first draft of my book this year? Here it is December. Where did the time go? I was thinking back through all the events that had transpired over the many past months that had eclipsed the moments I needed to pull together more words for my draft. I had been on a steady track and then...
I was abruptly brought out of my thoughts as a familiar, tall, Nordic-looking man opened the door, came in and filled the tiny conference room.
“Nick!” I exclaimed and stood up. I felt a certain jubilation on seeing him again knowing he could help me sort through my dilemma.
He paused a moment and smoothed the front of his suit jacket with a thin hand. “Don’t you mean Eric?” he raised one blond brow as he asked looking down at me.
It was my turn to pause and correct myself. “Yes, Eric,” I nodded. “Oh course! I mean Eric.”
He gave me a one sided grin never releasing the arch of his brow and indicated my chair to allow me to seat myself. I sat down and he slid into the chair next to me. After enduring his careful scrutiny he stated more soberly, “You seem lost.”
I looked up at at his piercing blue eyes and tried to explain. “Time seems to have gotten away from me. I was doing fine and then maybe I got too comfortable or maybe just lazy.”
Eric moved closer to the table to rest his bent elbow on it. He held his chin and cheekbone against his thumb and index finger and said, ‘Go on.”
I gathered my thoughts and started again. “The writing seems to have become easier. I am not struggling endlessly with second guessing myself on every other word. I can write without twelve index cards worth of ideas.” I paused for a moment to try to read his expression and when it didn’t change I went on. “So the writing has changed for the better and it seems to have made me nervous. Am I not allowed to feel a little better to not have to struggle at every turn like before? So am I making myself struggle? To feel like it’s okay? This new ease should be a good thing but since it is different I seem to be fighting myself.”
“So you stopped writing,” he said.
I looked down at my hands and nodded. “Yes. I can’t seem to make the time. I keep putting it off thinking it isn’t as hard, I shrugged, that I’ll get to it.”
“And now you will miss your deadline of the end of the year for your first draft.”
I nodded at my hands again. “Uh huh.” Looking up I said, “But I think I am okay with that. I can't stop the time. So I won’t finish this year but I can still keep going. I will need to do a re-read and take written notes this time so I know what I have covered already. I can firm up my outline since it is too bare bones and I will have a better idea of where I am taking the story and not have to go back and forth and change my ideas midstream. This way I won’t have to figure it out as I go but I will have a better plan to know what information I need to cover and write about next.”
Eric moved his hand down from his face and asked, “When did you start.”
“Start what?” I asked frowning.
“Any of it, he said as he spread out his hands showing me his palms. “Any part of what you just said.”
My eyes got big and I admitted, “I haven’t. I haven’t started any of it.”
He calmly moved the cloth of his jacket sleeve back from his wrist to reveal his watch. He looked at it intently without saying a word.
My eyes must have gotten even bigger as I stammered, “I didn’t mean to take so much of your time, Eric. I know you are busy.” I anxiously went to grab my handbag and stood to let myself out. I wasn't sure I was ready to leave but didn't want to overstay.
He released the cloth of his jacket and smiled at me as he placed his hands down on the table. He used some of my own words back to me as he said, “I know you are busy, but it’s your own time you would be taking. Take some for your writing.”
I looked back at Eric as I stood for a moment. “So I shouldn’t worry about where to start back but just start, shouldn’t I? If I do any of the things I mentioned, I will be making time for it, wouldn’t I?”
Eric stood up and towered over me.
I said, "Once I start, I will fill in the times and plan the time like everything else I do, won't I?"
He smoothed the front of his jacket again and and smiled as he indicated the door as he said, “It’s always a pleasure to make time for you, Theresa. Start making some for your writing.”
TT
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Happy day!
It is Birthday Cake day for my oldest son. We actually celebrated Sonny's 29th birthday on Sunday but today is his actual birthday - so Happy Birthday today! Family tradition dictates that you get to choose your meal and dessert for that day. It can be something prepared at home or it can be anywhere you might want to go out to eat. I am not sure how that got started. I think it might have come about because I wanted to make sure whoevers birthday we were celebrating got exactly what they wanted and I have difficulty making proper decisions. Or at least I question them to no end and then decide they aren't good enough or it might not be what that person might have really wanted anyway.
He let me know home-made pizza would be a good thing. Crust, great toppings, although maybe not your local pizzeria type fare because we use more fresh and quality ingredients than they are able to use. The food turned out really, really good even after I fought a battle with the new type of yeast I had picked up since I couldn't find my tried and true variety at the store. I have to say the carmelized onion pizza was off the charts. It could make a great starter for any rustic meal and had a great balance of savory taste to the natural sweetness of the slow cooked onions. That splash of white wine Sonny threw into the pan just at the end of the cooking time really topped off the flavors and earmarked it as a recipe to repeat. I could go for another slice of it right about now.
The meal was topped off with the chocolate cake Sonny ordered. He had mentioned chocolate cake with strawberries or chocolate mousse. I ended up making a dark fudge cake and used chocolate mousse to frost the cake. The strawberries at the store looked a little frost-bitten so I picked up raspberries instead. I cooked some down with a simple syrup and kept some berries whole.
It is birthday cake day! Happy, happy day!!!
TT
He let me know home-made pizza would be a good thing. Crust, great toppings, although maybe not your local pizzeria type fare because we use more fresh and quality ingredients than they are able to use. The food turned out really, really good even after I fought a battle with the new type of yeast I had picked up since I couldn't find my tried and true variety at the store. I have to say the carmelized onion pizza was off the charts. It could make a great starter for any rustic meal and had a great balance of savory taste to the natural sweetness of the slow cooked onions. That splash of white wine Sonny threw into the pan just at the end of the cooking time really topped off the flavors and earmarked it as a recipe to repeat. I could go for another slice of it right about now.
The meal was topped off with the chocolate cake Sonny ordered. He had mentioned chocolate cake with strawberries or chocolate mousse. I ended up making a dark fudge cake and used chocolate mousse to frost the cake. The strawberries at the store looked a little frost-bitten so I picked up raspberries instead. I cooked some down with a simple syrup and kept some berries whole.
TT
Saturday, December 11, 2010
A tree 32 years in the making
This was my apartment or a small corner of it. Well, most of it was a small corner since it wasn't very large but well, I guess it was large enough. I swear that isn't a velvet painting on the wall. It can't be. I wouldn't have gone for that. I know I didn't like those things no matter how popular they were at the time. But then, it was 1978 and there were other things going on at the time.
It was the first Christmas I spent with Jay and this was the tree we had and how we decided to decorate it back then. (Maybe it was Jay's velvet painting. It does look like a velvet painting. I really don't remember. I'll have to ask him). But it was the first tree and the first Christmas and it was 1978. And I went out that year and bought a Hallmark ornament. It was dated. It had the year on it. I kept it in the box (since our tree was all gold) and displayed it.
The following year I went out and bought another Hallmark ornament that was dated. I kept it in the box and displayed it with the previous years ornament. Side by side, two years in a row, each with the year on them.
Somehow, I managed to buy an ornament each year. Each year I would line them up and display them side by side in their respective boxes with each bearing their respective year.
It became a tradition that I would go out and buy a dated ornament each year and keep it in the box and display them all together in a line. Life went on, years past, two boys were born and there was a new ornament added each year. The boys grew and became older as did Jay and I. Many years later when the boys were much taller they marveled at the growing number of ornaments that had accumulated over the years. They would point to the first year or the year they were each born. "That's mine," they would say then turn and ask me. "What are you going to do with all these ornaments, mom?"
I was never without some kind of answer for them so I simply told them very matter-of-factly, "When you both grow up and move out, I am going to use only those dated ornaments to decorate my tree."
They snickered and grinned and figured that was a long way off and the ornaments were packed away for another year until the holiday rolled around again and I bought another and another and displayed them all each year. I displayed them even when we decided not to put up a tree last year.
Maybe this is small (you could go to this post to see it better... http://tessatoday.blogspot.com/2009/12/no-tree.html
But all those things you see lined up on the top two and then last shelf are all the dated ornaments I had accumulated over the years.
So today I decided to put up our tree. Last week Jay asked if we needed to put it up this year and I must have stuttered or stumbled my answer because he asked me again, "Just tell me if we are putting up the tree, yes or no." I said, "Yes."
"Oh, he said, not too happily. We'll do it next week."
So I decided to do it today. I went up into the attic since that is where the artificial tree that Jay decided we should buy after the boys moved out is located. They couldn't protest the lack of a real tree any longer since they didn't live here and I decided not to fight Jay on that battle. I wonder if I decided not to fight the velvet painting battle either? It looks like one, right? Gads. I have to ask him about that.
So into the attic I went and dragged down the tree, took it out of the box and put it together.
I was thinking about what I had told the boys so long ago. I was thinking as I spread the ornaments out on the table. I was thinking as I pulled out not only the ornament for each year but then the few extra ornaments I had bought a few years because I especially liked it or ones I got as a promotional item. They were all there and I was thinking.
But I always said I would...when they grew up and moved out. And they have. So it's time. So I was thinking it was time. And they are ornaments and have earned a place to hang on a tree.
So I took each piece out of their original box and I got to hold each one, each year, and think about when I bought this one and that one. And I decorated the tree by taking one out of the box and putting it on the tree, then going to the next and the next. And it looks like this...
Each one a dated ornament. Each one purchased one year after the next. Each year displayed side by side in their boxes on a shelf. A tradition.
A great and beautiful tradition that has turned into a great big beautiful tree.
It all started a very long time ago.
TT
Friday, December 10, 2010
Re:Fwd:Fwd:
I've come across a problem
most people have seen
A forward in your inbox
you know what I mean.
That link or that poem
that is supposed to be funny
supposed to spread cheer
but grates like being called honey.
It goes on and on
and you wish it would end
but you keep on reading
'cuz it was sent from a friend.
Are they cheating the true author
and I just wonder why
they don't take the same time
to just tell me hi.
Since most of these forwards
have no personal note
If you are really my friend
sorry, this just doesn't float.
written by Theresa Tinori (12/10/10)
-----------------------------------------------------
I told you my ideas come unexpected.
TT
most people have seen
A forward in your inbox
you know what I mean.
That link or that poem
that is supposed to be funny
supposed to spread cheer
but grates like being called honey.
It goes on and on
and you wish it would end
but you keep on reading
'cuz it was sent from a friend.
Are they cheating the true author
and I just wonder why
they don't take the same time
to just tell me hi.
Since most of these forwards
have no personal note
If you are really my friend
sorry, this just doesn't float.
written by Theresa Tinori (12/10/10)
-----------------------------------------------------
I told you my ideas come unexpected.
TT
Electronic buzz
Oh, sorry. I opened my laptop and went to my dashboard draft page here and immediately got caught up in downloading on my Nook. Nothing like having two electronic devices going at the same time. But hold on...I need to check something on my eReader. It captured one book but I thought I had downloaded another that isn't showing up in my library. Let me try that one again.
Shop, search, scroll...okay. There it is now. Let me just put that one on the same shelf as the other four books from that series. There. Now all five of these are together. I guess I can put this aside for now since I'm set with the new books.
Oh, gosh...wait. I need to go to another site for a moment. I remembered I wanted to download another album before I forget again! Hang on.
Yet another device hooked tandem with the laptop and it is loading now so it will be complete in just a minute. I know there might...oh, wait...it's flashing at me like it might be done. Hang on. It's there and I got it loaded to my iPod but the album cover itself isn't showing in my library. Ah...but it's there I can deal with the other later.
So where was I? You know, I've got all these bogus emails now that I need to weed through. Maybe this morning I am a little distracted. I'll check on you later. k?
TT
Shop, search, scroll...okay. There it is now. Let me just put that one on the same shelf as the other four books from that series. There. Now all five of these are together. I guess I can put this aside for now since I'm set with the new books.
Oh, gosh...wait. I need to go to another site for a moment. I remembered I wanted to download another album before I forget again! Hang on.
Yet another device hooked tandem with the laptop and it is loading now so it will be complete in just a minute. I know there might...oh, wait...it's flashing at me like it might be done. Hang on. It's there and I got it loaded to my iPod but the album cover itself isn't showing in my library. Ah...but it's there I can deal with the other later.
So where was I? You know, I've got all these bogus emails now that I need to weed through. Maybe this morning I am a little distracted. I'll check on you later. k?
TT
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Tell or Show
I was trying to come up with an idea. I knew it was time to get back to some basics. That's when I knew I needed to come up with another writing exercise for myself. Yes. That was it. Do something a little more creatively for a change. I had talked recently about a book I was slogging through (and still am...another 70 pages or so to finish) and thought about my reasons for not liking it. That led me to the foundation for my self-imposed writing exercise.
What if I came up with a short scenario and wrote it up two ways. The first would be a tell me version. I thought to just write up the scene. The second would be the same scene in a show me version. I would be putting myself in a spot of pushing the writing a bit by first getting myself to just write, then by making mself write it two different ways.
Here is the first version.
He had a paper in his hand. He was angry when he held it out and asked her, "Were you aware of this?"
"What. What is it?"
"You know what it is. Don't pretend."
She looked up at him and knew she would have to admit she did. She had been aware of it. He was making her nervous as he stared at her. She wasn't happy about the circumstances and she didn't realize when she made the discovery it would have caused this multitude of problems. She wished now she had spoken to him sooner about it. She never wanted to cause him any pain and she was begining to sense the trust they had built together start to slip away.
Here is the second version:
The paper in his hand was creased from his grip. His knuckles were white from holding it so tightly as he thrust it out toward her and asked, "Were you aware of this?"
"What. What is it?"
"You know what it is. Don't pretend." He didn't move his eyes from her as he stood over her.
She could barely meet his eyes as she looked up at him. She saw immediately their usual warmth was replaced by cold steel. She could only endure a mere glance and looked down. How could she admit to knowing? She fingered her ring and twisted it as she realized she should have acted sooner.
She moved into him to brush away the strand of hair that had fallen across his forehead. He immediately stiffened and backed away. She caught her breath as her hand froze mid-air and tears welled up in her eyes.
I don't know. Version one, version two? I mentioned anger, nervousness and lack of trust in version one but not in version two. But did you get the same from what they did? I hope...but only better. Do you even care about the characters in version one? two? Like I said, I don't know. But this was an exercise that I managed in the time I had this morning... And this has always been my tool. So tell me...aren't tools meant to be used? I need to keep showing myself how.
TT
What if I came up with a short scenario and wrote it up two ways. The first would be a tell me version. I thought to just write up the scene. The second would be the same scene in a show me version. I would be putting myself in a spot of pushing the writing a bit by first getting myself to just write, then by making mself write it two different ways.
Here is the first version.
He had a paper in his hand. He was angry when he held it out and asked her, "Were you aware of this?"
"What. What is it?"
"You know what it is. Don't pretend."
She looked up at him and knew she would have to admit she did. She had been aware of it. He was making her nervous as he stared at her. She wasn't happy about the circumstances and she didn't realize when she made the discovery it would have caused this multitude of problems. She wished now she had spoken to him sooner about it. She never wanted to cause him any pain and she was begining to sense the trust they had built together start to slip away.
Here is the second version:
The paper in his hand was creased from his grip. His knuckles were white from holding it so tightly as he thrust it out toward her and asked, "Were you aware of this?"
"What. What is it?"
"You know what it is. Don't pretend." He didn't move his eyes from her as he stood over her.
She could barely meet his eyes as she looked up at him. She saw immediately their usual warmth was replaced by cold steel. She could only endure a mere glance and looked down. How could she admit to knowing? She fingered her ring and twisted it as she realized she should have acted sooner.
She moved into him to brush away the strand of hair that had fallen across his forehead. He immediately stiffened and backed away. She caught her breath as her hand froze mid-air and tears welled up in her eyes.
I don't know. Version one, version two? I mentioned anger, nervousness and lack of trust in version one but not in version two. But did you get the same from what they did? I hope...but only better. Do you even care about the characters in version one? two? Like I said, I don't know. But this was an exercise that I managed in the time I had this morning... And this has always been my tool. So tell me...aren't tools meant to be used? I need to keep showing myself how.
TT
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Right
I went into my running tracking site and opted out of a training series I had just set in place. I was already three days behind on it and don't really see myself catching up or even, and here is the worst part, even starting up. Let's face it. I'm not getting it done and whatever my mind set is now on why I haven't been doing it, I know for now I've got to let it go for a while.
I can spend the time being miserable and berating myself up one side and down the other about making my choices of running, not running, running a little and then not running at all but it isn't a good thing. So I am pausing now for an important broadcast and I am sure my reception will start to come in more clearly once I eliminate the static I have created by unnecessary pressure and circumstances out of my control. There. Sure. Right. I feel much better now. Uh-huh.
How can I have gone the entire month of December so far without a single run! Okay. There. Now. Better. I got it out and now I can take a deep breath.
I read an article in my running magazine about taking time off after a long training and how it is actually a good thing. I am trying to remember the reasoning behind it but I was so not going to do that in my mind when I read it. Now I find myself trying to think up those reasons to apply now but I can't remember and does it matter? Probably not. Just another diversionary tactic. Fact is I would so like to go out and have a really good steady long run and I also know it ain't gonna happen 'bout now. So like a good little adult I need to put it into perspective and not let it dominate my thinking and one day soon I will find an unexpected day to go out and get that long run in.
Right. Sure. Looking forward to it. Can't wait. Uh-huh. Soon. Okay. Got it.
TT
I can spend the time being miserable and berating myself up one side and down the other about making my choices of running, not running, running a little and then not running at all but it isn't a good thing. So I am pausing now for an important broadcast and I am sure my reception will start to come in more clearly once I eliminate the static I have created by unnecessary pressure and circumstances out of my control. There. Sure. Right. I feel much better now. Uh-huh.
How can I have gone the entire month of December so far without a single run! Okay. There. Now. Better. I got it out and now I can take a deep breath.
I read an article in my running magazine about taking time off after a long training and how it is actually a good thing. I am trying to remember the reasoning behind it but I was so not going to do that in my mind when I read it. Now I find myself trying to think up those reasons to apply now but I can't remember and does it matter? Probably not. Just another diversionary tactic. Fact is I would so like to go out and have a really good steady long run and I also know it ain't gonna happen 'bout now. So like a good little adult I need to put it into perspective and not let it dominate my thinking and one day soon I will find an unexpected day to go out and get that long run in.
Right. Sure. Looking forward to it. Can't wait. Uh-huh. Soon. Okay. Got it.
TT
Winter
I came home after work yesterday. Directly. Straight home. No stopping anywhere, no diversions, no gym. I have had such good intentions but somehow my motivation has been lost somewhere in the gray, overcast skies and the bleak wintry chill. I do not want to go into this subject again but I am truly amazed how my drive and discipline can so easily flee by the drop of a weather gauge.
I came directly home instead of the gym and took a hot shower. I put a load of laundry into the washer and watched out my upstairs window as the evening crawled up and pulled it's cloudy covers over it's head well before it's usual time for calling it a night. I turned on my lamp to glance over the few items on my desk to distract myself from the growing darkness forming too soon. Nothing could hold my interest and I found myself gazing out the window again.
It wouldn't be long before the entire scene would be enveloped in obscurity. It wouldn't be long before everything would be motionless and murky. It tries hard to be sinister and menacing and I have tried just as hard to fight it. Then I come straight home and watch it from inside at my desk through my upstairs window.
There will be many more of these evenings before there are fewer.
Gads, it's going to be a long season.
TT
I came directly home instead of the gym and took a hot shower. I put a load of laundry into the washer and watched out my upstairs window as the evening crawled up and pulled it's cloudy covers over it's head well before it's usual time for calling it a night. I turned on my lamp to glance over the few items on my desk to distract myself from the growing darkness forming too soon. Nothing could hold my interest and I found myself gazing out the window again.
It wouldn't be long before the entire scene would be enveloped in obscurity. It wouldn't be long before everything would be motionless and murky. It tries hard to be sinister and menacing and I have tried just as hard to fight it. Then I come straight home and watch it from inside at my desk through my upstairs window.
There will be many more of these evenings before there are fewer.
Gads, it's going to be a long season.
TT
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Flat as cardboard
I have been struggling through a book that was suggested I read. I wasn't going to read it until someone asked me about it and thought I should. They warned me it was a slow starter but they were curious to see what I thought of it. So, of course, I downloaded it and began to read.
Twenty-two pages into the book and I definitely could feel the drag but there seemed to be an upswing into the story line. I thought. The upswing must have lasted one-two pages? Maybe that long. That is when it went back to it's brain fuzzing, monotonous, text blurring, gads still on page 85 and when does this get any better mode?!?
I am somewhere on page 212 of this 426 text when a character had the nerve to open a Sue Grafton novel. Dang, I thought! Even this flat, cardboard cut out of a character wants a diversion from whatever gray, bland world he has been created in. That was when I knew I wanted to read a Sue Grafton novel. I kept thinking how I would so much rather be reading a Sue Grafton novel. I knew, of course, I've read all 21 of the series of Sue Grafton novels including her most recent that came out in August this year. So unless I wanted to re-read, U is for Undertow, I wouldn't be connecting up with a great character in as realistic setting as Kinsey.
So I am plugging on. I realize the reason I am not enjoying this book is due to the fact that it keeps telling me things. It tells me this happened and this person is like this or that. I know what you are thinking. Don't books relay what happens and describe a person. Ah! yes...but how do the good books do that? I don't enjoy books that tell me. Text books tell me. Boring. Yes, boring. Fiction should show me. I have no connection with a character that doesn't act upon and show me his traits no matter how many times I am told. I have no connection with them. If they don't actively do things that reinforce the behavior the author describes of them it stays flat on the page. Quite honestly, the author has given me nothing to make me care or really believe in this character so why should I care what he is telling me? They are talking to me but I'm getting nothing. Who are they?
Maybe I just haven't gotten past the slow start yet. Wow, can't wait to finish this one up. Then maybe this person won't ask what I thought of the book. Careful now. Ask me no questions I'll tell you no lies.
TT
Twenty-two pages into the book and I definitely could feel the drag but there seemed to be an upswing into the story line. I thought. The upswing must have lasted one-two pages? Maybe that long. That is when it went back to it's brain fuzzing, monotonous, text blurring, gads still on page 85 and when does this get any better mode?!?
I am somewhere on page 212 of this 426 text when a character had the nerve to open a Sue Grafton novel. Dang, I thought! Even this flat, cardboard cut out of a character wants a diversion from whatever gray, bland world he has been created in. That was when I knew I wanted to read a Sue Grafton novel. I kept thinking how I would so much rather be reading a Sue Grafton novel. I knew, of course, I've read all 21 of the series of Sue Grafton novels including her most recent that came out in August this year. So unless I wanted to re-read, U is for Undertow, I wouldn't be connecting up with a great character in as realistic setting as Kinsey.
So I am plugging on. I realize the reason I am not enjoying this book is due to the fact that it keeps telling me things. It tells me this happened and this person is like this or that. I know what you are thinking. Don't books relay what happens and describe a person. Ah! yes...but how do the good books do that? I don't enjoy books that tell me. Text books tell me. Boring. Yes, boring. Fiction should show me. I have no connection with a character that doesn't act upon and show me his traits no matter how many times I am told. I have no connection with them. If they don't actively do things that reinforce the behavior the author describes of them it stays flat on the page. Quite honestly, the author has given me nothing to make me care or really believe in this character so why should I care what he is telling me? They are talking to me but I'm getting nothing. Who are they?
Maybe I just haven't gotten past the slow start yet. Wow, can't wait to finish this one up. Then maybe this person won't ask what I thought of the book. Careful now. Ask me no questions I'll tell you no lies.
TT
Monday, December 6, 2010
Big problem
I am being heavily encouraged to take some time off. I resist that sort of talk only because it is more comfortable for me to use time off when I have plans. Since I never have what I would considered plans outside of my regular routine I don't consider taking the time. I have managed and do manage very well fitting in mostly everything I do without extra time. It isn't that I am trying to keep a stock pile of time by not allowing myself the benefit of using what I have accumulated. It's not that. I just honestly don't think about it.
When there are things that need to get done and things I want to do time doesn't just open up and it happens. If these are ongoing things then I have to find where and when these things are going to happen within the schedule that I already have. That is just the way it is. If I want to do it then I need to find the time around what I already do. Right?
I think yes for the most part. I, again, am the exception to this way of thinking. Since I have become so good at getting my personal interests done within my work and home schedule, I don't think of taking time off to just do things. I am already doing them. I am, aren't I? I think so, but since I seem to be an exception to so many things it's hard to distinguish. You see, I keep trying to act in the norm and since I don't really know what that is I don't always realize I have become the exception (yet again). I mean, really? Who has 10 weeks of vacation time accumulated? Me. 10 weeks...no exaggeration.
Yeah. And I get nervous when someone says, "Just take a week off to do whatever."
I stop and think..."what is whatever?" I do that on weekends, don't I? I've already filled the spot for that thing to do. Do you see how this thinking goes on and on.
But I am being heavily encouraged and realized that the first time I took a full week off from work was three years ago and then again last year in the twelve years I have been with my job. And you see it was because I had plans to be out of the country. But there it is...10 weeks. And I should be thinking again to take more soon without having to leave the country and with the possibility of staying close to my own backyard.
What a horrible problem to have.
TT
When there are things that need to get done and things I want to do time doesn't just open up and it happens. If these are ongoing things then I have to find where and when these things are going to happen within the schedule that I already have. That is just the way it is. If I want to do it then I need to find the time around what I already do. Right?
I think yes for the most part. I, again, am the exception to this way of thinking. Since I have become so good at getting my personal interests done within my work and home schedule, I don't think of taking time off to just do things. I am already doing them. I am, aren't I? I think so, but since I seem to be an exception to so many things it's hard to distinguish. You see, I keep trying to act in the norm and since I don't really know what that is I don't always realize I have become the exception (yet again). I mean, really? Who has 10 weeks of vacation time accumulated? Me. 10 weeks...no exaggeration.
Yeah. And I get nervous when someone says, "Just take a week off to do whatever."
I stop and think..."what is whatever?" I do that on weekends, don't I? I've already filled the spot for that thing to do. Do you see how this thinking goes on and on.
But I am being heavily encouraged and realized that the first time I took a full week off from work was three years ago and then again last year in the twelve years I have been with my job. And you see it was because I had plans to be out of the country. But there it is...10 weeks. And I should be thinking again to take more soon without having to leave the country and with the possibility of staying close to my own backyard.
What a horrible problem to have.
TT
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Misdirection needed
I am at a point of knowing I need a re-focus or to be more accurate a misdirection. I thought I had been doing so well with the change in weather lately. I am realizing that no matter how hard I try to keep my chin up and forge ahead with a bright and shiny attitude about the colder temperatures that I am in fact dropping my chin into my hunched shoulders and my arms are crossed tightly across my chest. I can feel the chill start to seep into my inner self and bones and it's a too familiar feeling that I know will take the entire season to shake. Once it reaches my inner core I am done for. I become a bleary eyed mass of quivering flesh. My fingers become permanent icicles which no amount of heat can penetrate. I know. It's a miserable situation and if I were exaggerating I would get over myself but if I need to apologize then I am sorry but these are really the facts. I have hit the time of year where even when it warms a bit there is still that underlying chill and I never warm up until it's all over. Miserable. Yes. I am.
So I know I need some misdirection. My idea is I need to see if there is a race I might train for. It might put my focus on something other than weather although I know there is a tremendous pitfall in this plan. There will be many days I will not be able to run outdoors. Yes...due to the weather. But, it will keep me actively trying even if I treadmill it at the gym. Yuck. How did I ever do that before?!
So I have a race in mind for January but I might have to re-think it. It would involve some travel and the drive is 5 hours. I don't really have a problem with that but others might and I need to test the waters of response when I bring it up. We will see. If not, I am sure I might find something closer to home. I know I need to do something. Something.
Now I will just go and try to thaw my icicle fingers enough to be able to wrap them around another cup of coffee.
TT
So I know I need some misdirection. My idea is I need to see if there is a race I might train for. It might put my focus on something other than weather although I know there is a tremendous pitfall in this plan. There will be many days I will not be able to run outdoors. Yes...due to the weather. But, it will keep me actively trying even if I treadmill it at the gym. Yuck. How did I ever do that before?!
So I have a race in mind for January but I might have to re-think it. It would involve some travel and the drive is 5 hours. I don't really have a problem with that but others might and I need to test the waters of response when I bring it up. We will see. If not, I am sure I might find something closer to home. I know I need to do something. Something.
Now I will just go and try to thaw my icicle fingers enough to be able to wrap them around another cup of coffee.
TT
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Counter on the fritz
Some weird stuff is going on with my statcounter. I know blogspot now has some limited page load counter stats but I am also talking about my regular statcounter that I have been using for more than a year. I realize it isn't all that accurate and is based on a cookie or some such. I don't pay all that much mind to it since I will write anyway knowing it might be days before I get a single view or page load.
What has me confused is blogspot had a page load for a post called Socks and skittles which I did...whew...wow...back on March 19th and another for Hello Lara from May 17th. I don't have any other info from blogspot on it, so I went to statcounter which sometimes, if I do some dectective investigating I maybe might be able to decipher who, what, when someone may have dug up old posts. Mostly it's just a guessing game. But then nothing there either. In fact, I found going through some information there that I realized someone had mentioned a particular post to me the other day but I didn't have any pageloads for that day. It had to have been that day since I had just posted it that day. So they must have come in stealth. Or wherever they were when they viewed my blog had a blocked cookie so it doesn't appear. I guess it would be the same thing I have on my laptop so it doesn't count my own views. Wouldn't that bounce the old counter in the upward motion with all the time I go back and forth writing and publishing and editing.
But now it's confusing. Now I'm thinking there might be more people viewing posts than I know. Or not. But then I get conflicting information or no information. I keep trying to figure out who viewed Socks and skittles from March?! or Hello Lara for that matter. I got nothing.
Ah well. I guess unless I decide to upgrade to a better counter (and possibly pay something more than the nothing I pay now) it really doesn't matter.
I said the weird stuff was going on with my counter. Nah...I know it's me. Maybe I should go back and read those two old posts. Wonder if they were any good?
TT
What has me confused is blogspot had a page load for a post called Socks and skittles which I did...whew...wow...back on March 19th and another for Hello Lara from May 17th. I don't have any other info from blogspot on it, so I went to statcounter which sometimes, if I do some dectective investigating I maybe might be able to decipher who, what, when someone may have dug up old posts. Mostly it's just a guessing game. But then nothing there either. In fact, I found going through some information there that I realized someone had mentioned a particular post to me the other day but I didn't have any pageloads for that day. It had to have been that day since I had just posted it that day. So they must have come in stealth. Or wherever they were when they viewed my blog had a blocked cookie so it doesn't appear. I guess it would be the same thing I have on my laptop so it doesn't count my own views. Wouldn't that bounce the old counter in the upward motion with all the time I go back and forth writing and publishing and editing.
But now it's confusing. Now I'm thinking there might be more people viewing posts than I know. Or not. But then I get conflicting information or no information. I keep trying to figure out who viewed Socks and skittles from March?! or Hello Lara for that matter. I got nothing.
Ah well. I guess unless I decide to upgrade to a better counter (and possibly pay something more than the nothing I pay now) it really doesn't matter.
I said the weird stuff was going on with my counter. Nah...I know it's me. Maybe I should go back and read those two old posts. Wonder if they were any good?
TT
Friday, December 3, 2010
Attitude (again)
It's 5:55 am and I am staring off at the calendar I am also looking at the temperature gadget I have in the same corner of my laptop. I am wishing the mornings were warmer but it is December and it will be about what it is all month and the next and the next. I can still wish, can't I? Sure, why not. I wish it every year. You would think by now I would just accept the fact that unless I move to the equator (oh, I don't know where) that it will manage to dip down in temperatures a few months of the year. I am supposed to count my blessings and be happy with all the things I have because it could be so much worse, right? I am not sure how that figures. Maybe it's just the weather giving me that bad attitude (again). Be happy because it could be worse? That doesn't sound to be too good of a motivator. It sure doesn't do a thing for me. But blah, blah, blah, weather.
I need to move on and away from it. It's another end of week and doorway into my time as opposed to work time. Okay, better now. I grinned a bit. Okay, maybe smirked but hey, what can I say. I am working through my annual weather issues.
TT
I need to move on and away from it. It's another end of week and doorway into my time as opposed to work time. Okay, better now. I grinned a bit. Okay, maybe smirked but hey, what can I say. I am working through my annual weather issues.
TT
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Technical difficulties
A day ago I talked about not stopping progress. I talked about packing my gym bag and how I wasn't going to let anything get in the way of me running the few miles it would take to move me on to the next color level of my running site. I went out there and I ran alright. I went out there and put in 6.12 miles to make sure it was enough to put me over the 5 mile mark I needed to pull me over from the green level to the blue. I ran, I accomplished the 621 miles to get to the next level. Then I ran into technical difficulties.
Ah, yes, technology isn't it grand. I love all my gadgets and toys and computers and iPods and eReaders and qwerty keyboard phones. They are all great. They all have special places in my heart and handbag and desk and nightstand. I don't know how I could get through my everyday life without my electronics. I need my music, I need my books, my phone, my laptop, my...yes. I have attachments to these things and they are a regular part of my daily routines. What would I do without them? I really miss them if I realize I have accidentally left one behind. There are certain emotions that surface if I realize I don't have a device. Now what? Can I get through the day without a single bit of earbud music? Will I find something to read at lunch? I want it more when I don't have it. It's not right.
So after my run I rushed to sync my sensor to the site and watch as it revealed the color change to blue. Hooray! I had achieved another accomplishment this year for the books. I reached the fourth color level for this year!
The celebration was short lived. I sync'd and I went to the site. I was still green. So I looked closer. It didn't have my Tuesday, Nov 30 run - the 6.12 that was to put me over to the blue level. Look.
There...you see it? Monday AND Tuesday 11/30 just hitting the 6 mile line. But up above my level is still green! Look.
Ah, yes, technology isn't it grand. I love all my gadgets and toys and computers and iPods and eReaders and qwerty keyboard phones. They are all great. They all have special places in my heart and handbag and desk and nightstand. I don't know how I could get through my everyday life without my electronics. I need my music, I need my books, my phone, my laptop, my...yes. I have attachments to these things and they are a regular part of my daily routines. What would I do without them? I really miss them if I realize I have accidentally left one behind. There are certain emotions that surface if I realize I don't have a device. Now what? Can I get through the day without a single bit of earbud music? Will I find something to read at lunch? I want it more when I don't have it. It's not right.
So after my run I rushed to sync my sensor to the site and watch as it revealed the color change to blue. Hooray! I had achieved another accomplishment this year for the books. I reached the fourth color level for this year!
The celebration was short lived. I sync'd and I went to the site. I was still green. So I looked closer. It didn't have my Tuesday, Nov 30 run - the 6.12 that was to put me over to the blue level. Look.
Can you see this? On the right hand side it has M 29 (Mon, Nov 29) but no T 30 (Tues, Nov 30). OH NO! Don't tell me it lost my run! It's done this before but oh, no, not now! So I searched a little more and I filtered it for this weeks runs only. Look.
Do you see this nonsense?! The technology didn't record Tuesday in my total. It recorded it. It is there in my weekly total but oh no, not where it would count in the all runs total. I was emotionally distressed. I came home sweaty and spent after a six mile run. I came home looking forward to sitting for a moment in all my blue glory and then and then. Technology snatched it away from me! The two-timing devil! All the care and consideration I give it! Come on now, man up, coward! Flip this sucker over to blue!
It was all the more distressing since I have appointments and won't be able to make the gym in the next few days. Then, then it came to me. Technology. Hmmm. What do I do? What's the work around? Will it work?
Why not give it a try...maybe it only needed a little push.
So I put on my shoe with my sensor. I walked around the house for a mere 45 seconds and recorded the slight .01 piece of a mile. I sync'd the "work-out" to my site. What do you think happened? Look.
TADA!
Isn't technology a wonderful thing!
Now.
Only 931 miles until I reach the next level.
TT
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Before I start
Hang on a second, I need to re-fill my coffee.
There. That's better. It's better except the only thing I want to do is sit here and sip coffee and that is not the order of the day. I've turned the calendar over for this last month of this year. One last charge into the things to do before we mark the end of another year. This month especially feels like it swirls with a range of different highs and lows, hills and valleys. There is always more plans, more things to get done and hopefully more smiles and joy than sometimes can be packed into any other two months. I already have two things scheduled this week before Saturday and that is a lot for me.
It seems when things get busy and the more I do the more energy I find I have to do more. It's an odd thing that always seems to take hold. There is a universal drive that seems to happen in December. It might start out slow or creep up on me in a way that once I am into week two I have been pulled into a time of planning ahead and getting ready. It can work itself into a frenzy when that extra energy that was found early on is beginning to get spent. That is usually when I reach mid-month and I begin to step back a moment to fill in the blank spots with more things that need to get done. It will wind itself down into a quiet calm right after it reaches a peak crescendo but not until the energies are almost all gone and I get to settle down and look forward to the possibilities of what might happen in the new year.
Everyone has had their share of Decembers. There are different degrees of how it works for everyone but for the most part I would like to hope it really is filled with more smiles and joy than two months packed together. But, wait...hang on a second. Before I get pulled into this new month. I think I have time for one more cup of coffee.
TT
There. That's better. It's better except the only thing I want to do is sit here and sip coffee and that is not the order of the day. I've turned the calendar over for this last month of this year. One last charge into the things to do before we mark the end of another year. This month especially feels like it swirls with a range of different highs and lows, hills and valleys. There is always more plans, more things to get done and hopefully more smiles and joy than sometimes can be packed into any other two months. I already have two things scheduled this week before Saturday and that is a lot for me.
It seems when things get busy and the more I do the more energy I find I have to do more. It's an odd thing that always seems to take hold. There is a universal drive that seems to happen in December. It might start out slow or creep up on me in a way that once I am into week two I have been pulled into a time of planning ahead and getting ready. It can work itself into a frenzy when that extra energy that was found early on is beginning to get spent. That is usually when I reach mid-month and I begin to step back a moment to fill in the blank spots with more things that need to get done. It will wind itself down into a quiet calm right after it reaches a peak crescendo but not until the energies are almost all gone and I get to settle down and look forward to the possibilities of what might happen in the new year.
Everyone has had their share of Decembers. There are different degrees of how it works for everyone but for the most part I would like to hope it really is filled with more smiles and joy than two months packed together. But, wait...hang on a second. Before I get pulled into this new month. I think I have time for one more cup of coffee.
TT
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