Clearly clearing

I am feeling just a bit better today than the end of the day yesterday. I got up and did a jog by the water. Did I say I was taking two days off and coming out to the seaside? Oh, sorry. I meant to let you know. So I was able to enjoy a jog by the water first thing this morning. Beautiful.
I got back to the motel and dragged Jay out of bed after I showered so we could go to breakfast. He isn't a morning person and it takes him f o r e v e r to wake up.
Once at the restaurant I couldn't help but point out that our waitress had decent shoes. He laughed. Jay had made a comment to me at lunch yesterday about our waitress' choice of shoes. He leaned in to me yesterday and said, "Tell our waitress to change her shoes."
"What?"
"Tell our waitress to change her shoes," he repeated.
"Why," I asked. I hadn't seen them.
"They are very distracting."
"Distracting? What do they have on them to make them distracting?"
"Some kind of ugly."
Cute, very cute.
Then he added, "And tell her to change her shorts, too. They are plaid and ill-fitting. If I were manager of this place I wouldn't let her wear that."
"Well, lucky her - you're not manager."
"You never dress like that."
"Well...thanks. I guess. But why can't you tell her about the shoes?"

I've taken it a bit easy today. I'm at least a shade darker now than I was before and that's probably my only accomplishment today. Everyone followed the not ugly shoe rule so I didn't even have to do anything about that. Not too bad I think.

TT

Clearing

I am exhausted but by the ocean. I ended up working 8:00am till 6:00pm yesterday. Yes, on a Saturday when it's extremely unusual that I even work overtime, which I did on Thursday for two hours, then Saturday all day. But I'm away now for a few days and the water is blue and the breeze is salty. So I'm only stealing a few seconds here today before it gets even later. It's taken me this long to just clear my head and it's still not right. So it's outside for me to take a walk along the water and try to decompress.


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Missed

I missed a post yesterday. I was afraid I would but for a totally different reason. I went out of my way to make sure there would be no hinderance for me to get it done. I gave myself plenty of time, I sorted through different ideas and tried to organize them as best I could. I did that. Then the best plans didn't work and I missed yesterdays post.

I have to say it was something I hadn't expected and something that I couldn't have thought would prevent me what with all my planning. My goal was to get it written and posted early since I knew there would be no other time during the day. That was the reason I thought so hard about it. That was why I gave myself extra time in the morning and would have time to think some things through and get it done.

What actually prevented me from posting were technical difficulties. There was an upgrade on a piece of software on my laptop that went wrong and drivers weren't properly installed. I watched as my time dwindled away trying to fix something that had nothing and everything to do with my post. I realized as I had to go back to uninstall then re-install my older version that my window of opportunity as far as time for writing had slipped away. I could shake my head and say it wasn't my fault. I was there, I was trying, I was going to do it. But there is still no post for yesterday.

But there is one today...done early on a Saturday because I only might have this small window of opportunity to get it down. And I wasn't going to miss it again.

TT

Rush, what a

Hurry! What happened to the time? How could it possibly be Thursday!

I've got so many things to do and most need to be done, well, to be done, like now, or today or no later than early tomorrow if I really wanted to stretch it but then there will be other things that will cross my desk and need to get done and nothing has a higher priority than this new thing even though that old thing is really higher priority and it's just slipped underneath the newer things that got piled on top of it and then there are the meetings I'm being pulled into that are new so I have to focus and it takes time away from my desk to do the, oh what's that...not one but two instant messages during the meeting asking for managers times, then back at my desk, "what? No, I don't have a minute, can it wait? Sorry, but really, I'm busy!"

Someone actually asked me if I had a minute yesterday and I told them no and they said they'd come back later. I tried to feel bad about it but I was so relieved it had worked, I really didn't have a minute. It will smooth itself out but right now...whew! But that was yesterday, and today is a two hour meeting this morning...not including the time I need to get over there to make sure everything is set up since the higher up's are in town this week and presenting.

Boy, how great is it to be back in my element!

TT

Shoe box

I have a draft of a post I have been working on. For some reason, I keep going back to it instead of just deleting it. I'm not sure why except maybe I'm afraid I won't come up with a better idea. The problem seems to be that no matter how many times I make attempts at making it work it just doesn't. I think it's time to ditch it but here I am even this morning trying to find a way.

I'm trying to salvage something that might be nothing. Or maybe what I'm trying to focus on is the wrong part of the subject? If I took a picture of what I thought this idea was, what do I see after the picture is taken? Do I really notice what I thought was going to catch my eye or is it something else to the side? Am I seeing something there at the lower corner that I didn't even know was in the picture. I wish I could take credit for this different way of thinking about my subject but it was an idea I got from a book.

So, I'm still not sure about the original draft that I keep going back to. Maybe I'll take a couple of pictures of it and take a fresh look again. See what I see and then decide it's not a good picture anyway. That may be just the case. It may be one of those shots you took thinking it was going to be so good and ends up at the bottom of the shoe box you keep all those photos in but never really look at. You know they are all there but what are you really going to do with them all? Probably not much more than keep them in a shoe box. Huh.

Maybe I should check my writing shoe box. I've got a feeling there are a couple of better pictures (ideas) in there on this very subject.

TT

It's Tuesday

There is nothing like a really good weekend. The kind of weekend where you start it off feeling good and you fill it with things you like to do and people you want to talk to and be with. I had that weekend. It was one of the better weekends in a while. It might have been the fabulous weather, the things that came together, but whatever the elements to make it so good were all there. Unfortunately, Monday came around too quickly and I had to muddle through it with no time to re-coop from the wonderful weekend.

Don't get me wrong, Monday was fine. I was just a bit tired from everything that worked out so well and all the things I did over the weekend. I also had a multitude of things to accomplish and still do at work. Needless to say, I was pretty much not good for a whole lot of anything yesterday evening. I'm still not sure I'm exactly up to par this morning. Part of these feelings might be just be a touch of anxiety, a sprinkling of anticipation, a pinch of challenge from the recent changes and the excitment of having them before me, down the road a bit for me to get to.

I'll work through the tired until it isn't there any more or realize maybe I'm not really all that tired but energized. Besides, I've got a feeling I'll be so busy at work the next weekend will be here in not so long a time. I mean - really - it seemed to have gone so quickly but what happened to Monday already?

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Sunday in the kitchen

I spent my Sunday in the kitchen. Not the entire day but pretty much from noon on. I had ordered more cookies tins and they had arrived by the time I got home from the gym on Saturday. I knew the boys were coming for dinner Sunday so I thought cookies would be a good dessert - so I started baking about noon that day. I ended up with four different varieties...yes, about 10 dozen or so. Thankfully, they took some with them and I really should pack some up to ship out but I'm too tired right now.

After the baking and getting the kitchen straight again I went ahead and prepped everything for dinner. I was trying to re-create a hot crab dip we had on the coast so there was some tasting involved...along with picking through the crab meat for shell. It ended up coming out very good. I was able to prep most of the menu before the boys came over but then I became Sonny's sous chef. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy doing that and I think I would be a very good one in a real kitchen. It's just I was getting very tired from non-stop kitchen duty.

Having the boys over is always great and the meal was excellent. We started out with hot crab dip with thin-sliced toasted bagette, green salad, grilled asparagus with lemon and garlic, au gratin potatoes and dry rubbed grilled T-bone steaks. You could take your pick of cookie from sugar - cherry, white chocolate, macademia nut - chocolate chip - and cinque chocolate (I'm thinking of using the italian for five instead of cinco, we'll see).

But now I'm tired and I have lot's going on at work. But then, that's a good thing, right?

TT

Gym from Heaven

I went to a new gym that opened very recently yesterday. There was an extreme combat class that started at 8:30am so I left early to make sure I had drive time and to check on parking. I must say that although it might not actually be the gym from heaven it was wonderful! It's on part of the University's Health Science area so it is surrounded by an outdoor running track, baseball diamonds, picnic areas, and that's just getting to the entrance. There were glassed walls two stories up with seating arrangements along the bottom floor and the reception desk as you walk in. The weight area was all on the bottom floor, with a outdoor pool in the back, a full basketball court along side and the locker rooms with dry and wet steam rooms. On the other side they had a café with indoor and outdoor seating. A staircase led up to the cardio area upstairs with another small seating area. There were two classrooms upstairs, one equipped with cycles and all the newest cardio equipment available. Wow! All new and spacious and the class was awesome! Needless to say, I will be going back.

I wasn't even bothered a bit when the guard at the parking booth asked about my car...asked if he could lean in to see the dash since I had the top down and even asked to pop the trunk to see where the top was stored. This was as I was driving in...and he asked the year and model. I guess that was just part of what he should have been asking me for parking but I'm not sure. He asked my last name and I repeated what was on his name tag. Silly man, he smiled and said that's my name, too! I just smiled back.

He waved me through when I was leaving and told me to have a good day! I must say - I certainly did.

TT

Newer digs

I've added a few more design items into my office. I had someone comment on how even though it looked better from the original, the 5/31 post showed that it was still stark.

Well, Jay told me that it was my room and I needed to do whatever I wanted with it, to fix it the way I wanted. It didn't take me long to know that I would want it to have the things that reminded me of the seashore. I bought some green sheers for the windows and a much smaller desk lamp so it was a better proportion for the desk. Everything else I had and moved into the space. It was a really cheap re-decorate but the results are so much better than before. I look forward to coming up here and spending time.

The added benefit is that the other half of the room (which you cannot see) has my sewing machine and now the work table I used before for my laptop has become my cutting table. It's against the other wall and since I don't face it when I'm at my desk, it's there but not a distraction. It works the same way the other way around.

I would like to get a dress form in my size but I will have to do more than a quick search to find one unless I want to pay the $600 for a professional one. I don't. I'll have to spend more time looking. If I remember...

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Any better

I had an interesting conversation with a co-worker today. He and his wife had attended a performance of Wicked and he wanted to know if I had seen it and what I thought. Well, I tried to stop myself from gushing about how good it was on so many levels but that was a losing battle. He agreed it was very good and somehow the topic moved on to how both my younger brother and sister were in creative fields (she a dancer and instructor and he a professional pianist) and how I had left the creative fields back in my early twenties. He asked me how I felt about not going into theatre - him knowing it had been such a huge part of my life way back when. I told him I have very mixed feelings about it. I took the more conservative career approach because I always felt I needed to be financially responsible for myself and the creative field was more of a gamble in that respect. I don't know that I would ever have gotten beyond the barrier of taking that risk.

He took it in and understood. Then he asks, "What would have been different if you had decided to take the risks." I told him he was asking too many good questions. I told him I didn't think about it. It didn't happen so why figure it out. He said that was true but his thinking is that type of information might help in some personal growth now. Hmmm, now I'm thinking but I know I'm not letting it go too deep. I said, "so many things would be different." I think I said it twice and he must have known he triggered something because he said, "think about it and we can talk later." Before he walked away I said, "How am I supposed to get my work done now, and I have a lot of it!" He tried to tell me to think about it later. Yeah, easy for you to say.

But I did have a lot of work and I don't know that I want or need to go down the what if road. I've never been one for what if's and I'm not sure it would help in any personal growth. I don't know. Maybe I wish I had taken more risks...but then, so many things would be different and right now, the way things are...I must be the luckiest person around. Am I missing the point? I don't know that either.

But how could figuring out what might have been help in any growth or possibly change how perfectly everything I've done to get right to this moment make it any better?

TT
-------------------------
What timing... You will not believe me but Dante (my younger son) just text'd me that he got a titled promotion. Like I said...with what is real...who care's about what if's.

Too hot?

It has been what some (most) people would say extremely hot. I don't know that it is the way I would describe it but that is what I am hearing. The topic of the weather would seem like an ordinary and safe topic to discuss. It would seem that way. I happen to be in the time of year I love the most. Hot. Some (most) people don't agree. Some (most) people want the air conditioning set to sub-zero freezing temperatures if the weather gets to where I want it all year. It caused one mild (by whose standards - I'm not sure) conversation when my aisle companions complained about the indoor temperature being too warm and me calling the bunch of them squeeky wheels. They all put their heads down and pretended to find something to work on right away. Ah well.

I've had more than a few people ask me whether it was too hot to put the top down on my car. The first few times I was asked this I was puzzled and stammered, "no," shaking my head for emphasis. Too hot? The only time I don't drop the top on my car is when it's raining hard (I've done it when it's sprinkled and I thought it would stop) and when it's cold. My car is a convertible, two seater - the top is supposed to be down if at all possible! So it is. And I'm enjoying it more than you could imagine.

To heck with the safe subject of the weather. I will continue (and have) sat outside at lunch in what people have told me was 98 degree weather. I look at them blankly. "Really?...so?...was that the number? Didn't feel like it to me."

You will have to just believe me when I say, there really are a few safe subjects for me out there. Weather doesn't seem to be one of them.

TT

Turn

I guess if I am going to be truthful, I have to admit I have been tired and depressed. I do a fine talk and I can fool most people but when it comes down to it the past few days have just exhausted me. I didn't realize how much. I do seemed to have turned the corner now but I needed the extra time to rest and re-coop and I won't even think about the work outs I've missed. No...I won't even think about them.

I'll think about the one's to come and everything else down the road. Maybe this time I won't exhaust myself and promise to be more upbeat. Did I promise?

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Blank

I may leave this blank today. I need to get some thoughts together and this morning it just isn't about this post. I probably shouldn't be attempting this at all, but it's one of those things with me.

I am going to be putting my immediate focus on the changes at work and what that means for my daily routines. Oh yes, it is here. There will be some definite slack that will need to be taken up and re-arranging duties will be high on my list today and hopefully set in place between now and July 1. Everyone is tired. It's amazing the emotional drain the company has acknowledged over the recent events. But forward is where we are going and I won't be left behind. I'm still standing.

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Wicked

I had tickets and went to see the live touring company of Wicked last night. It was a wonderful performance...like the wizard himself. I had read the book many years ago when a friend lent it to me (how many have I read because of that)! It was after a Halloween the year I had dressed as the wicked witch, all with black dress and hat with green tinted make-up. My twist, of course, was that I wore ruby slippers with it and carried a basket with a furry tail hanging out. My line was, "I got the little pretty and her little dog, too." What else did you expect.

The book (somewhat like me, I guess) was much darker than the musical but the transitions made to stage were wonderful (that word again). The references to all that is OZ were all subtle and very well done. The cast was amazing, voices were powerful, staging and sets, costumes to die for, characters funny and believable. I could gush more and more but the gist of it is that it was a very enjoyable evening.

Then I pulled all black to wear today. I'm going to say it's just the lingering thoughts of theatre influencing me.

TT

Watch

I'm sitting. It's still dark out and there isn't too much noise from outside. I opened the blinds so I could see the light coming in as the day starts. I will be able to see the subtle change of the sky from a midnight blue to light pale with a few white clouds. The car noises will increase and the neighborhood will start another day of the week.

It's nice to be able to sit and notice. Small things, everyday things. In a blink it's changed and won't be exactly the same again tomorrow. I don't always get a chance to sit and notice. It's pleasant to be able to do that, sometimes. Quietly, not disturbing it while it happens. Letting it unfold the way it will today, but not exactly the same tomorrow. It happens quickly and easy to miss if I'm not watching. And I can't always watch which makes it even more fine when I can. Today I can, have and will.

I'll be watching all day.

TT

Change

I missed my post yesterday. I thought about it more than a couple of times but never made it upstairs to my office. (It's been upgraded from work area to office once the desk and shelf moved in). It was one of those...I need to go up and write a bit, then go off in an entirely different direction. I managed to keep busy most of the day. I got a few things done, made the gym, washed the car, bought some groceries and before I realized - it was late. Even as late as it was I thought about coming up here and writing but I had to let it go.

So here I am on Monday of the week that was. And it will be soon enough or not soon enough depending on what happens at work. I thought it so appropriate that I pulled the five of chalices this morning from the tarot. Crossroads...that's the gist of that card. I choose to make peace with loss or express mourning in order to move forward.

The only thing you can depend on in life is change. It's proven itself over and again. So then, as soon as it's made it's changes, I'll make mine.

TT

Do it

There is something to be said about having accomplished some of the things you pictured doing and having that experience behind you, even if that accomplishment is to a smaller degree than what you originally thought it might be. There is something wonderful about the maturity and knowledge that you receive from those experiences but you may not have expected. It seems to be even better when you are able to retain that childish creativity that propels you into the future to continue.

An initial reaction seems to be the total excitement of the experience. A jittery nervousness of disbelief that you were able to accomplish it. It's a little later that a calm settles in. A calm where you realize you've gone through things you never thought or believed you were strong enough to go through. You know in the future you will be able to move more comfortably through life because of that calm - with that knowledge of experience to fall back on.

It can also have another effect. It can make you sit still for too long sometimes - feeling comfortable. Sometimes I find myself sitting thinking too long so I don't make the wrong choices with my time. Don't let that happen. Do. Do it all. Do everything you think you should or could or want to do. It's easier to sort out your passions and dislikes by experiencing them, not by thinking which will be better or worse - which will be a waste of time and which will not.

You will find more satisfaction from putting yourself in the middle of things than watching it all go by. We are here to live...so do it.

I'm going to keep doing.

TT

Oh yeah, wait

I'm honestly not sure what I want to mention today. I have a couple of ideas but am dwelling too long on how I would like to present them or write them up. I'm thinking too long. It holds me back. I'm not going to be able to figure out all the angles, all the different perspectives by thinking about it. The problem with that is the waste in time and the moment to accomplish it. There is one way it will turn out and after all the analysis it might not even be one of the ways I've thought of. So then, it leaves me with these thoughts but nothing done about them. It leaves me with another excuse to think and wait and analyze all over again with nothing done.

I found a note I had written right when I started this blog. It's a couple of variations on the banner line that appears above...

• My thoughts as I struggle to get the correct words, in the correct order on a blank page.
• My thoughts as I try to figure out what the correct words are and whether or not they belong on a blank page.
• My thoughts when I sometimes over think the words put on a blank page and then replace them.

It was an interesting progression. At least I know I'm doing it. Consistently, constantly, relentlessly. I guess I'm not going to accomplish a whole lot today. It sure doesn't feel like it right now.

Guess I'll just grab some coffee and read instead. Oh yeah, wait. It's Friday...I still have to go in to work.

TT

No room for gloom

I must say I think I am working this week in reverse. I started out fairly upbeat after a good weekend and immediately came crashing down. The next two days were an exhaustive experience where I didn't know how I would get through it all. Now that I'm here to today, the day that is my usual come down day, I feel like I'm starting the week over...but in a good way. I've become energized again.

I'm not sure how I was able to snap myself out of the gloom so quickly but I did. Maybe it was because it was something that I wasn't dealing with, thinking about, was nothing I could do about any way? I sure wasn't going to waste time with something that wasn't my decision until it was my decisions that needed to be made. In any case, that isn't the case...so I'm glad I didn't dwell there. Get on, move ahead, see what opportunities lie out there. I really can't wait. I won't stop, don't try to make me. I'm refusing, shaking my head, no. Sorry, no. One way or another there are things out there that I need, want, will do and this hurdle, bump, obstacle won't stop me from appreciating the interesting things that get put in my path. There are interesting things out there, you know. Sometimes you need to shake life up to realize the good stuff available - even if you aren't the one doing the shaking.

Oh - I was able to get my work-out in...or should I say two. I went to a kickboxing class and stayed through the Zumba. Maybe I will just crash again when the exercise high wears off from a two hour work-out from yesterday.

I'll see, won't I.

TT

Not too tired

I had an appointment after work yesterday so was unable to get a work-out in. It might have been a good thing or not. I say not because I could have used the stress reliever. It might have been a good thing since I was so tired. I really don't like being so tired when it's only Tuesday. I am usually able to get to at least Thursday before it looms in.

I didn't get to work-out Monday afternoon either. I went down to the gym to take a class but the instructor never showed up! I was so frustrated I just left. I should have used a treadmill to run but I just got in the car and went home. I would have ranted the entire way but just cranked the radio instead. (Probably a better idea since I was alone). A station on satellite called Octane. Heavy metal rock with bands with names like trapt, disturbed, anew revolution, theory of a dead man, avenged sevenfold ...probably pissed off a couple of people around since I had the top down. The good part is the radio will automatically take the volume down as the engine noise subsides...so it isn't as loud stopped as when I'm moving down the road. Good thing.

But looks like today will need to be soon enough for a work-out - one way or another.

I'll work it in.

TT

Forward

I was doing perfectly fine. I'm was in the middle of doing all the things that are highest on my priority lists right now and doing them well. I've got my personal obsession with exercise going strong again. It helps to know I am getting into shape. I've found some motivation on that front. It feels good and I look forward to doing more. It's that place I was searching for but couldn't seem to find for so long. It's happening.

I'm doing some writing. I admit it isn't where I want it to be but I've been consistant about putting something down. I've stayed with it and ignored the horrid voices in my head when they told me to pack it up and move on down the road to another place. I'm also looking forward to even the small amounts of time I spend on it each day. That has to be some kind of progress, right?

I have all these things going right. And then, like yesterday, something comes along that throws you off kilter. The next two weeks might prove to be a little more than just difficult. I didn't expect that niggling feeling in my stomach. I knew this occurance would be happening about now and it hadn't as much as crossed my mind. Then yesterday it all seemed to come at me. I don't even think I'm worried about myself but what will be happening around me. I know I will pick up where ever it leaves me but how much change will there be around me? To others? So blast.

I wish there was a place you could get to where you could become immune. I wish you could reach a spot that if you worked hard and long enough you wouldn't be affected by what goes on around you or even to you. I know that isn't realistic. There is no such place and sometimes it doesn't matter how hard you work. So what do you do? What can you do when you feel the emotions come over you like a wave in a situation that your brain knows you have no control over. I guess that's when you have to realize that there will always be times when things just happen and you have to keep walking forward.

You just have to breathe and keep walking forward.

TT

It works

Here it is Monday of a new month. It's June already and the first day for me to get adjusted to this new desk and chair. I had to make some adjustments but I think this is going to work really well. For one thing, it's more comfortable. The chair is the right height and I hope not to get that pain in my shoulder from sitting at the wrong angle. Not that I ever sit the right way for long. Give me time and I will be sitting on one of my legs or crouched closer to the keyboard than I need to be.

It's really nice to just walk into the room and not have the expanse of white walls. That was my decision on the white walls. The upstairs room used to belong to my oldest son but when he and his brother moved out I took his room since it faces out the front of the house. I had no furniture in it, so I repainted, cleaned it up and stuck the folding work table by the windows. I then proceeded to use it that way. I guess I forgot all about continuing to fix it up. Life and all.

Funny how that works sometimes.

TT