A week has past since I finished my first draft of an entire 73,000+ word fiction novel. I was supposed to feel all these wonderful things. I should have felt so proud and accomplished, excited and empowered. I wasn't feeling it. I didn't have a glimmer of any of those feelings.
The fact was that the entire time since last Friday I have been feeling terribly flat. Nothing was going on and I didn't know why. I didn't want to run back and reread my story. I didn't want to have anything to do with it. It was like I was trying to disassociate myself from the work I had done. I had no interest or curiosity. I was indifferent. Flat.
This wasn't right. I knew something was up with me. Finally after a week I started to do a little of what I do the very best. I started reading. Articles. From writing magazines and other articles written by editors and more. All the subjects were about first drafts and it gave me some insight into what was going on with me.
It explained what a first draft does not have. It doesn't have things like layers and depth, fully formed characters with motivations strong enough to drive the story, enough conflict, pacing that enhances the story. It also explained what a first draft has. It has things that hint of the final product, bloat, too much back story, some super-fine writing, weak dialogue, moments of great beauty, dangling plot threads and more. Another article explained these same things but continually spoke of how this first draft really is a big accomplishment. It congratulated anyone that has gotten to this point throughout the article. It dashed the idea of comparing it to a completed work of another author. You don't write anything of this length in one pass. It's too long, too complicated and too involved. It's an unfair comparison. I mean really, did you ever read any of these authors first drafts?
I realized I was feeling so flat because I thought I was, somehow, supposed to do so much better with the first draft. I felt I hadn't reached the level of accomplishment that I should have and it just wasn't where it should have been. I hadn't done well enough with it so how could I feel anything except not much or doubtful. After reading numerous articles from writers and editors I found out I did exactly what was expected and I started to feel excited about it. I had a glimmer of accomplishment.
I am going to start rereading my first draft. I have pulled out my board with the index cards of each character and started adding a few more qualities to each. Now that I know what happens in the story I can build some real motivation into why they do things into the book. I know how dialogue should progress since I now know where it will take them.
Now, finally! Time for that real celebratory drink! Congratulations!
TT
Friday, August 31, 2012
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Notes
What does a writer do when they finish writing? Do the index cards get put away, the blackboards get wiped down and the notes get stored? What happens to the mess on the desk with handscribbled notes of reminders of things to put into the story? Do they become something like the photographs that were taken before the one you kept and the rest gets shoved into a box and stored away?
I'm not sure. But this morning I took a quick look at the remnants of what I had left after finishing my first draft.
I was surprised at the amount of notes I had. My thoughts as I opened my binders and scanned the papers were that it shouldn't have taken so long. Maybe if I hadn't spent so much time writing myself notes and writing the story instead it would have been finished sooner. I keep trying to go backwards. I'm hoping it's in the spirit of trying to find what I might learn from what I've already done and go on from there. To look back briefly (key word) to see where I need to go next.
I still haven't and not sure I want to read the entire draft yet. I know I shouldn't say anything negative but I'm thinking if I don't read it I won't have to admit how bad it really is. Or whether or not it's even worth continuing to work on. But then I will need to get over that. I'll have to face it sooner or later. So for now I'll close up the binders and put away the notes.
What a lot of notes.
TT
I'm not sure. But this morning I took a quick look at the remnants of what I had left after finishing my first draft.
I was surprised at the amount of notes I had. My thoughts as I opened my binders and scanned the papers were that it shouldn't have taken so long. Maybe if I hadn't spent so much time writing myself notes and writing the story instead it would have been finished sooner. I keep trying to go backwards. I'm hoping it's in the spirit of trying to find what I might learn from what I've already done and go on from there. To look back briefly (key word) to see where I need to go next.
I still haven't and not sure I want to read the entire draft yet. I know I shouldn't say anything negative but I'm thinking if I don't read it I won't have to admit how bad it really is. Or whether or not it's even worth continuing to work on. But then I will need to get over that. I'll have to face it sooner or later. So for now I'll close up the binders and put away the notes.
What a lot of notes.
TT
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Re-figure
I looked for a 5K for this weekend to commit to run. Yes, for this weekend - that soon. I figured getting out and running a short race in a more official surroundings would be good for me instead of in my own neighborhood. I wasn't successful in finding one. I was surprised when I couldn't find one but since it's Labor Day weekend I guess that might be why there aren't any planned. But still. I was ready to sign up and it doesn't look like I will be able to do it.
I've had an extremely poor showing for my running this month. I managed a few miles over this past weekend but I haven't graced the gym in three weeks and I'm ashamed to even mention the low mileage I've done for a total this month.
I haven't lost my motivation. Thank goodness that isn't the problem. I've just made it impossible to make time. And now I'm at an odd point of not running and not writing and I'm trying to re-figure both.
I'll give the 5Ks another look. Maybe there is something I might have missed and if not, I still have my old way of doing it unofficially. It won't be the same jump start I might have been looking for but it'll do.
TT
I've had an extremely poor showing for my running this month. I managed a few miles over this past weekend but I haven't graced the gym in three weeks and I'm ashamed to even mention the low mileage I've done for a total this month.
I haven't lost my motivation. Thank goodness that isn't the problem. I've just made it impossible to make time. And now I'm at an odd point of not running and not writing and I'm trying to re-figure both.
I'll give the 5Ks another look. Maybe there is something I might have missed and if not, I still have my old way of doing it unofficially. It won't be the same jump start I might have been looking for but it'll do.
TT
Monday, August 27, 2012
Trying not to think
I've been trying not to think about writing but I was re-saving the chapters of my book and caught myself reading through part of the first chapter. I was a few paragraphs into it when I stopped and thought do I really want to be doing this right now? I stopped and continued my task of saving each chapter. I read the first paragraph of another chapter and thought...I remember writing this but it's hazy. I really didn't have time to read it but this odd feeling of not wanting to read my book might be fading away very slowly. I'm sure my own curiosity of what I've done will come around but I think I'll hold out a little longer. Not just yet. I'll read it later.
I'm almost thinking I want to start something new. I've got some other ideas I've stashed in a folder. They are only that. Ideas. Nothing thought out but then how much of what I just wrote was well thought out and then changed along the way? (Well, maybe not well thought out) The changes might be why I'm not sure about the whole thing. Since this whole thing took so friggin' long to complete, I'm hazy on what I actually wrote so long ago and what was in my head but never made it to paper, or what actually did make it to paper. So confusing.
I'm almost thinking I want to do a chapter story but a shorter one that I could work from start to finish without ages of time going by. I was thinking of one of the vignettes I've written and expanding upon. I don't know. Those might be fine the way they are. Very short. But then...these are just thoughts that are passing through my head.
And then I was reminded that that was considered thinking. And right now, I'm trying not to think.
TT
I'm almost thinking I want to start something new. I've got some other ideas I've stashed in a folder. They are only that. Ideas. Nothing thought out but then how much of what I just wrote was well thought out and then changed along the way? (Well, maybe not well thought out) The changes might be why I'm not sure about the whole thing. Since this whole thing took so friggin' long to complete, I'm hazy on what I actually wrote so long ago and what was in my head but never made it to paper, or what actually did make it to paper. So confusing.
I'm almost thinking I want to do a chapter story but a shorter one that I could work from start to finish without ages of time going by. I was thinking of one of the vignettes I've written and expanding upon. I don't know. Those might be fine the way they are. Very short. But then...these are just thoughts that are passing through my head.
And then I was reminded that that was considered thinking. And right now, I'm trying not to think.
TT
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Intermission
I think it might be finally dawning on me that I actually finished the first draft of a fiction novel. The idea of me getting the entire story completed, on paper, hasn't been as easy to accept as it should have been, I don't think. There was a brief and fleeting moment of total excitement when I wrote the last sentence. Although I'm not sure I was happy with that last sentence. It will probably get re-written. But I'm not sure at this point.
I haven't wanted to look at it. Any of it. I am taking a break from it and leaving it alone for a moment or three. I need to read the entire story but I haven't wanted to touch it yet. I haven't even read the most recent pages at the end. I was doing so well going forward with the story when I was writing that I wasn't going back and re-reading what I had written at my previous session. So I don't even know exactly how the last 20,000 words or so reads and it's been a while since I read the beginning and middle. It's an odd spot for me to be in. Not wanting to pick up the story and look at it just yet and not remembering what I've actually written.
I guess it will keep. I feel like after all the momentum I had going with writing so hard and so consistently that it all came to a very abrupt stop when I was finished. But I guess that's what happens when you get to this point.
TT
I haven't wanted to look at it. Any of it. I am taking a break from it and leaving it alone for a moment or three. I need to read the entire story but I haven't wanted to touch it yet. I haven't even read the most recent pages at the end. I was doing so well going forward with the story when I was writing that I wasn't going back and re-reading what I had written at my previous session. So I don't even know exactly how the last 20,000 words or so reads and it's been a while since I read the beginning and middle. It's an odd spot for me to be in. Not wanting to pick up the story and look at it just yet and not remembering what I've actually written.
I guess it will keep. I feel like after all the momentum I had going with writing so hard and so consistently that it all came to a very abrupt stop when I was finished. But I guess that's what happens when you get to this point.
TT
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Rules of Writing - 7
"I feel a little numb."
Eric looked over at me with a confused expression on his face. "What do you mean numb?" he asked.
"Numb. It's odd. I'm not feeling anything."
"What did you expect to feel?"
"Something. Marvelously happy! Celebratory."
He angled his head to one side and asked, "And you don't feel happy or like celebrating?"
I leaned forward in my chair and said, "I should, shouldn't I? I should feel something but it's all kind of flat. I do feel like celebrating but it's more like I want a drink. At least that was the first thing I thought of."
"I can understand you wanting a drink after all that work."
"You see, that is where I go flat again. All that work. It was a lot of work. I mean, I wrote an entire piece of fiction, 73,000 words or whatever, and it hasn't registered with me. It's as if the fact that I finished it hasn't caught up with me yet."
"But you did finish it."
"Yes. I did."
"And it's a huge accomplishment. You should be proud."
"I should be, but it doesn't seem that I'm feeling anything right now. Will that change?"
"I'm sure it will."
"You're sure? Because it's really odd and I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do right now. I was concentrating so hard on staying focused on finishing that now I'm at a loss."
"And you have finished. For the present."
"Well, yes. I know there will be more work since it's only a first draft. But I wouldn't let myself think about that while I was just getting myself to complete it."
"Exactly. So you need a short break before the next process starts."
"A short break?"
"Yes."
"Hmmm, Okay, I think that makes sense. It all seems a little unreal to me right now. But I have finished."
"Yes! Reason to celebrate, don't you agree?"
I hesitate a moment and then nodded. "Yes. You're absolutely right. Finishing an entire first draft of a fiction novel is reason to celebrate."
"It is. Congratulations!"
"So do you think we could go grab a drink?" I started to get up from my chair. "Do you think Josh can come, too?"
TT
Eric looked over at me with a confused expression on his face. "What do you mean numb?" he asked.
"Numb. It's odd. I'm not feeling anything."
"What did you expect to feel?"
"Something. Marvelously happy! Celebratory."
He angled his head to one side and asked, "And you don't feel happy or like celebrating?"
I leaned forward in my chair and said, "I should, shouldn't I? I should feel something but it's all kind of flat. I do feel like celebrating but it's more like I want a drink. At least that was the first thing I thought of."
"I can understand you wanting a drink after all that work."
"You see, that is where I go flat again. All that work. It was a lot of work. I mean, I wrote an entire piece of fiction, 73,000 words or whatever, and it hasn't registered with me. It's as if the fact that I finished it hasn't caught up with me yet."
"But you did finish it."
"Yes. I did."
"And it's a huge accomplishment. You should be proud."
"I should be, but it doesn't seem that I'm feeling anything right now. Will that change?"
"I'm sure it will."
"You're sure? Because it's really odd and I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do right now. I was concentrating so hard on staying focused on finishing that now I'm at a loss."
"And you have finished. For the present."
"Well, yes. I know there will be more work since it's only a first draft. But I wouldn't let myself think about that while I was just getting myself to complete it."
"Exactly. So you need a short break before the next process starts."
"A short break?"
"Yes."
"Hmmm, Okay, I think that makes sense. It all seems a little unreal to me right now. But I have finished."
"Yes! Reason to celebrate, don't you agree?"
I hesitate a moment and then nodded. "Yes. You're absolutely right. Finishing an entire first draft of a fiction novel is reason to celebrate."
"It is. Congratulations!"
"So do you think we could go grab a drink?" I started to get up from my chair. "Do you think Josh can come, too?"
TT
Friday, August 24, 2012
FINI
This is what I captured just a short few minutes ago. 8/24/12...5:42pm.
Let's take a look together and you can see my computer screen. At the bottom of the document I typed a four letter word. FINI
Maybe I should say this is what I accomplished because that is what fini means in French. It also means finished and it appears at the end of some movies. Okay, old movies but it used to appear at the end of them because it has that meaning also.
What does it mean to me? It means I just finished a huge accomplishment. It means I have finally gotten to the end of this story. Yes. I have come to the end of the first draft of the fiction novel I have been working on for many moons. I have especially worked on it an enormous amount of hours the past two weeks. I worked on it consistently for five hours this afternoon.
My first draft of my fiction novel was finished today on 8/24/12 at 5:42 pm. FINI
In Italian fini means fine. And that is how I am feeling. I am feeling mighty fine!
TT
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Best part
It's early Saturday morning. It feels great. Coffee is already brewed and the first few sips are perfect. Hot, steaming...just right. It's part of my usual routine and there is no better way to start the day or how does that commercial jingle go? Best part of waking up...
But then, at my age, I guess the best part of waking up is waking up but if I wake up on a Saturday morning like this one it can be better than just pretty good.
I have this fiction story I've been writing. This past week I've been doing a lot of writing. No. I mean lots of writing if I were to compare it to any other time in the past two, even three years. The kind of writing where I bring myself up to this room, park myself in front of my laptop, and think I will attempt to write for 30 minutes. That would have been my usual routine if I could even get myself up here to write on my fiction at all in the past. It's different now. I come up here without having to get myself to do it. I also go for much longer than whatever time I figure I'm going to write when I start. In fact, I was a good 15 minutes or so late to work the other morning because I didn't realize what time it was and how it had gotten away from me.
These are all good things. I've struggled so much with myself about this. It shouldn't have been that way but it was my only way. The plot hasn't gotten any better, the ideas are still the same but something clicked for me. I can't or don't even want to think too hard about that now because I still have a ways to go to finish this first draft. It might plug me up if I get to thinking too much again. I'm not taking those risks and just heading forward with only one thought in my head - to keep going until I get to the end. I'm close. So I need to focus on getting to the end and no thoughts of all there is to do afterward.
Keep writing. Keep those words coming and just lay the story out until it's told.
It seems like that should be such an easy concept to grasp but it can be very illusive when your mind wants to question every comma, thought, motion, and conversation you put down. But not this Saturday and not all this week.
The best part of waking up isn't necessarily the coffee in your cup. It's waking up knowing you'll have time to do something that has driven you for so long and it finally - it finally feels right.
TT
But then, at my age, I guess the best part of waking up is waking up but if I wake up on a Saturday morning like this one it can be better than just pretty good.
I have this fiction story I've been writing. This past week I've been doing a lot of writing. No. I mean lots of writing if I were to compare it to any other time in the past two, even three years. The kind of writing where I bring myself up to this room, park myself in front of my laptop, and think I will attempt to write for 30 minutes. That would have been my usual routine if I could even get myself up here to write on my fiction at all in the past. It's different now. I come up here without having to get myself to do it. I also go for much longer than whatever time I figure I'm going to write when I start. In fact, I was a good 15 minutes or so late to work the other morning because I didn't realize what time it was and how it had gotten away from me.
These are all good things. I've struggled so much with myself about this. It shouldn't have been that way but it was my only way. The plot hasn't gotten any better, the ideas are still the same but something clicked for me. I can't or don't even want to think too hard about that now because I still have a ways to go to finish this first draft. It might plug me up if I get to thinking too much again. I'm not taking those risks and just heading forward with only one thought in my head - to keep going until I get to the end. I'm close. So I need to focus on getting to the end and no thoughts of all there is to do afterward.
Keep writing. Keep those words coming and just lay the story out until it's told.
It seems like that should be such an easy concept to grasp but it can be very illusive when your mind wants to question every comma, thought, motion, and conversation you put down. But not this Saturday and not all this week.
The best part of waking up isn't necessarily the coffee in your cup. It's waking up knowing you'll have time to do something that has driven you for so long and it finally - it finally feels right.
TT
Friday, August 17, 2012
Is it worthwhile
Jay has asked me the past two days why I haven't written anything.
"What do you mean, haven't written anything?"
"I've checked your blog and you haven't written anything since last Friday."
"You looked at my blog?"
"You left it at that one about digging in your feet and being all neurotic again."
"Did you mean digging in my heels?"
"And shaking your head. You were being crazy."
"But I'm that way in all of my posts."
"Not just the posts."
"Look who's talking. So do I really need another neurotic post?"
"Yeah."
"Just to entertain you the two times you decide to read it?"
"Yeah."
"So you can use it to poke at me and laugh?"
"It makes it's all worthwhile, doesn't it?"'
Huh. Does it? Worthwhile for who? Or is that whom?
TT
"What do you mean, haven't written anything?"
"I've checked your blog and you haven't written anything since last Friday."
"You looked at my blog?"
"You left it at that one about digging in your feet and being all neurotic again."
"Did you mean digging in my heels?"
"And shaking your head. You were being crazy."
"But I'm that way in all of my posts."
"Not just the posts."
"Look who's talking. So do I really need another neurotic post?"
"Yeah."
"Just to entertain you the two times you decide to read it?"
"Yeah."
"So you can use it to poke at me and laugh?"
"It makes it's all worthwhile, doesn't it?"'
Huh. Does it? Worthwhile for who? Or is that whom?
TT
Friday, August 10, 2012
Keep it to myself
I am getting into a very stubborn and rebellious spirit. I can tell. I can feel myself digging in my heels, crossing my arms, and just shaking my head a vigorous no! It might be the month of August. It might be things are going too well. I could come up with many different reasons of what it could be about. Maybe it's just in my nature to get stubborn when I need time to sort my thoughts. I told you I could come up with a million different reasons.
This time it actually started back at the end of February this year. I was feeling less than motivated about my running. The wellness program at work offered a coaching service that was done through email. I thought it would be a good idea to give it a try. Maybe the coach could give me some ideas, point me in the right direction and help with my motivation and running. What could it hurt? Everyone says I am too solo - that I should talk it out and have a support group and friends and such to talk things through. It's supposed to help and make me feel better instead of internalizing and figuring it all out for myself. So I signed up.
Now I've never been to a psychologist or psychiatrist but back in February when I signed up for this coaching I started to realize it was going how I imagined one of those sessions might go. After a few back and forth emails I was having visions of going into that doctors office with some problem and instead of them helping and suggesting ways to fix it they would turn things back to me and ask, "well, what do you think? what do you want to do?" Huh? What? Why would I come to an expert if I already knew what to do? If I am going to figure this out on my own, what do I need you for?
So, yes, this coach pretty much asked me what I wanted to do about my running. What goal did I want to achieve and how would I get there? So I figured out my goals for March and April and May. Then I figured them out again for June and July! At that point I figured I was done. I achieved every single goal and got a check mark for every action item this coach had put into the system. All the ones I came up with! So, okay, good job! I felt like I was done, I did it and thanks. Proof again I didn't need to talk it out and get any help.
Then a day ago I got another email from the coach. "Did you want to do the same for this month or is there another area you would like to work on?" The answer is no. Go away. I can go this alone. I don't need you. Sorry, nothing personal, but you are making me stubborn and rebellious! I'm going to stop it all just so I don't feel like I'm jumping through your hoops any more. These are MY hoops and give them back! I simply responded that I would keep things the same and maintain. I haven't heard back yet.
So I'll take my stubborn self and throw out any plans or goals or check marks I need to achieve for August. To hell with August! I will do what I want and fly solo if I want or not. If I want. If I want to run with a pack I will, but not because I have to chalk up a point because of an email that someone else set up that was all my idea anyway.
Coaching therapy can make me crazy! Why didn't I stick to myself in the first place.
TT
This time it actually started back at the end of February this year. I was feeling less than motivated about my running. The wellness program at work offered a coaching service that was done through email. I thought it would be a good idea to give it a try. Maybe the coach could give me some ideas, point me in the right direction and help with my motivation and running. What could it hurt? Everyone says I am too solo - that I should talk it out and have a support group and friends and such to talk things through. It's supposed to help and make me feel better instead of internalizing and figuring it all out for myself. So I signed up.
Now I've never been to a psychologist or psychiatrist but back in February when I signed up for this coaching I started to realize it was going how I imagined one of those sessions might go. After a few back and forth emails I was having visions of going into that doctors office with some problem and instead of them helping and suggesting ways to fix it they would turn things back to me and ask, "well, what do you think? what do you want to do?" Huh? What? Why would I come to an expert if I already knew what to do? If I am going to figure this out on my own, what do I need you for?
So, yes, this coach pretty much asked me what I wanted to do about my running. What goal did I want to achieve and how would I get there? So I figured out my goals for March and April and May. Then I figured them out again for June and July! At that point I figured I was done. I achieved every single goal and got a check mark for every action item this coach had put into the system. All the ones I came up with! So, okay, good job! I felt like I was done, I did it and thanks. Proof again I didn't need to talk it out and get any help.
Then a day ago I got another email from the coach. "Did you want to do the same for this month or is there another area you would like to work on?" The answer is no. Go away. I can go this alone. I don't need you. Sorry, nothing personal, but you are making me stubborn and rebellious! I'm going to stop it all just so I don't feel like I'm jumping through your hoops any more. These are MY hoops and give them back! I simply responded that I would keep things the same and maintain. I haven't heard back yet.
So I'll take my stubborn self and throw out any plans or goals or check marks I need to achieve for August. To hell with August! I will do what I want and fly solo if I want or not. If I want. If I want to run with a pack I will, but not because I have to chalk up a point because of an email that someone else set up that was all my idea anyway.
Coaching therapy can make me crazy! Why didn't I stick to myself in the first place.
TT
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Overlooked notes
I spent some time going through and cleaning up all the scraps of paper I had written notes on that were on my desk at home. I've thrown them away. There was no need to keep them since everything I had written on them had been done. I now have a nice clean space again and I don't have to use any time wondering if there was anything on my notes that I hadn't gotten to do yet. I have. Done all that was written on them.
I kept one letter size page that I have three bullet-point notes on how to start the next chapter of my fiction. I had come to the end of my last chapter and these notes were to keep me from having to remember where I left off by just reminding me where to start writing again instead. It was a good idea. I knew exactly where I was to start. Well, except that it was underneath all the scraps of paper that I have now since cleaned up and thrown out. So I hadn't read it and the two main characters decided to start that chapter by going out to dinner with each other without any regard to the outline. But, ah well. Now that they are fed I can now move on to where they should be according to my notes. What's an extra unexpected 1100 words or so? They actually had a good conversation and put a little more meat on the bones of the story.
So now I know exactly were to start up writing again. I should start now - before they go and make any more plans without me.
TT
I kept one letter size page that I have three bullet-point notes on how to start the next chapter of my fiction. I had come to the end of my last chapter and these notes were to keep me from having to remember where I left off by just reminding me where to start writing again instead. It was a good idea. I knew exactly where I was to start. Well, except that it was underneath all the scraps of paper that I have now since cleaned up and thrown out. So I hadn't read it and the two main characters decided to start that chapter by going out to dinner with each other without any regard to the outline. But, ah well. Now that they are fed I can now move on to where they should be according to my notes. What's an extra unexpected 1100 words or so? They actually had a good conversation and put a little more meat on the bones of the story.
So now I know exactly were to start up writing again. I should start now - before they go and make any more plans without me.
TT
Trying to focus
I slept too late to go to the gym this morning. I am having an extra cup of coffee instead. I'm using this time as quickly as I can here before I open my fiction document and take up again where I left off last night. It's proving that small bursts of writing when I have only a few minutes is adding up to shorter writing sessions but the word count is adding up just the same.
I feel like I've been spending too much time checking on the story site where I added a few short pieces of mine. It's almost a nervous habit and I need to leave it alone for a while. I put the stories out there and now I need to let whatever happen. I'm not sure what the whatever is anyway.
I do know most of my thoughts circle back to finishing my story. It's a little hard to focus since my mind now wants to jump from that to my older story that I need to finish and new short ideas that I want to write up into longer pieces. The only place that has suffered any inspiration is here. And yet I've filled another spot this morning with this discipline they say you need to do. Don't wait to write when you are inspired. Write anyway. It's part of that courage thing.
TT
I feel like I've been spending too much time checking on the story site where I added a few short pieces of mine. It's almost a nervous habit and I need to leave it alone for a while. I put the stories out there and now I need to let whatever happen. I'm not sure what the whatever is anyway.
I do know most of my thoughts circle back to finishing my story. It's a little hard to focus since my mind now wants to jump from that to my older story that I need to finish and new short ideas that I want to write up into longer pieces. The only place that has suffered any inspiration is here. And yet I've filled another spot this morning with this discipline they say you need to do. Don't wait to write when you are inspired. Write anyway. It's part of that courage thing.
TT
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Coward or Courage
I actually looked up two words yesterday. I was at one of those boiling points when I had had enough. I was at the end of my patience and I knew I was going to get angry. I knew it. So I had to pull it back and get it under control. It wouldn't have been good for that poor, poor, person that was making me upset.
The biggest problem is that the person was me. I was making myself upset. I was the one that I was fed up with and it was enough. Enough already. So I stopped and looked up two words.
Coward - One who shows ignoble fear in the face of danger or pain.
Courage - The state or quality of mind or spirit that enables one to face danger, fear, or vicissitudes with self possession and resolution.
I was sick of allowing myself to be afraid. There were no logical reasons for it and I was tired of feeling that way. How long was I going to be an enabler to myself and let it go on? No longer. I am not a coward. I will not go on being fearful. I have the spirit to face fear with so much resolution and discipline and courage that I should get a gold medal. There is no end to my self possession.
I looked up the words and gave myself the choice. With my chin up and multitudes of determination, I chose the one starting in C.
I felt better about writing almost immediately.
TT
Oh - I actually looked up three words. Vicissitudes - sudden or unexpected changes in life.
The biggest problem is that the person was me. I was making myself upset. I was the one that I was fed up with and it was enough. Enough already. So I stopped and looked up two words.
Coward - One who shows ignoble fear in the face of danger or pain.
Courage - The state or quality of mind or spirit that enables one to face danger, fear, or vicissitudes with self possession and resolution.
I was sick of allowing myself to be afraid. There were no logical reasons for it and I was tired of feeling that way. How long was I going to be an enabler to myself and let it go on? No longer. I am not a coward. I will not go on being fearful. I have the spirit to face fear with so much resolution and discipline and courage that I should get a gold medal. There is no end to my self possession.
I looked up the words and gave myself the choice. With my chin up and multitudes of determination, I chose the one starting in C.
I felt better about writing almost immediately.
TT
Oh - I actually looked up three words. Vicissitudes - sudden or unexpected changes in life.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
I'll run
Sunrise is at 6:57 am this morning. I have a few moments. It's still pitch dark from my window. If I look out and up hard enough I can see that it is already turning a lighter shade of blue. I've only heard one night bird cooing earlier and it is silent now. It won't be long before there is some real light breaking through. I'll gear up and have a run.
I'll run this morning because it's an opportunity for me to do so outdoors. It's August and the heat climbs high and fast. I'll run this morning because it's quiet. The neighborhood isn't awake yet. I get to see it rub it's eyes and stretch. I get to catch it retrieving it's morning newspaper in bathrobes and coffee mugs. I'll run this morning because it's my time and it doesn't impose on anyone else. I'll run this morning because I want to run and it's the perfect time.
TT
I'll run this morning because it's an opportunity for me to do so outdoors. It's August and the heat climbs high and fast. I'll run this morning because it's quiet. The neighborhood isn't awake yet. I get to see it rub it's eyes and stretch. I get to catch it retrieving it's morning newspaper in bathrobes and coffee mugs. I'll run this morning because it's my time and it doesn't impose on anyone else. I'll run this morning because I want to run and it's the perfect time.
TT
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Apples and oranges
Just for the record...from the list I created yesterday I was able to get six of the nine items completed. I could still get a couple more done but I also made a chicken stock that I still need to strain and prepare. Not everything goes on the list that gets done. That's how it works out sometimes.
I spent some time on my nikeplus site gathering info. It's nice that I have used the site for so long and I have some deep stats that I can amaze myself with. I started tracking my runs on that site in March of 2010. I went back to see how it all stacked up.
2010 - March - Dec 648.96 miles
2011 - Jan - Dec 593.45 miles
2012 - Jan - Aug 595.51 miles
I've already beaten my 2011 mileage this year. I am only 53.45 miles away from matching my 2010 mileage. I ran 648 miles in 10 months in 2010 and I will have that many (or more) in eight months this year with months to spare for even more miles. If that isn't motivation enough to keep me moving then I don't know what else I could do. I don't really want to have to think of anything else, anyway.
I went to finestories.com to check on the two short fiction pieces I put out last week. I am at a odd spot when it comes to that. I do have more downloads than Jane Eyre (28) and Anna Karenina (39) that have been posted about the same amount of time as mine. That is a positive but I know downloads are going to stop and slow down completely. I do have to wonder why out of 18 recently posted stories (in the last 30 days) that 10 of them are classics that the site is putting up. Maybe not enough active authors? It seems when I flipped through the author listings most haven't posted since 2010 or 2011. Only a few have posted this year and those were mostly back in January and February. Not a big showing and I also wonder how many more downloads I might get since most authors seem to be male and story genre's are mostly sci-fi, fantasy, military, western. I can't see them very much interested in my short vignettes. Look how badly Jane Eyre and Anna Karenina are doing when compared to a sci-fi story posted 7/23 with 614 downloads and already 30 votes and another sci-fi posted 7/13 with 991 downloads and 44 votes? At this rate I'll never get any votes if you need that many downloads to average so few votes and you don't get a score unless you have votes.
Okay, enough of this. Stats are great when they are clear cut like I ran so many miles in this amount of time. If I try to compare downloads and votes, or lack of, it is just another way of turning something that is positive (people have actually downloaded my stories to read!) into something that I am thinking is negative. That isn't what posting on this site was supposed to be about. Besides, it's only been a week there...not quite the same timespan of March 2010 through the present that I have on my running site.
But, yes, leave it to me to figure out how something good I've done really isn't.
TT
I spent some time on my nikeplus site gathering info. It's nice that I have used the site for so long and I have some deep stats that I can amaze myself with. I started tracking my runs on that site in March of 2010. I went back to see how it all stacked up.
2010 - March - Dec 648.96 miles
2011 - Jan - Dec 593.45 miles
2012 - Jan - Aug 595.51 miles
I've already beaten my 2011 mileage this year. I am only 53.45 miles away from matching my 2010 mileage. I ran 648 miles in 10 months in 2010 and I will have that many (or more) in eight months this year with months to spare for even more miles. If that isn't motivation enough to keep me moving then I don't know what else I could do. I don't really want to have to think of anything else, anyway.
I went to finestories.com to check on the two short fiction pieces I put out last week. I am at a odd spot when it comes to that. I do have more downloads than Jane Eyre (28) and Anna Karenina (39) that have been posted about the same amount of time as mine. That is a positive but I know downloads are going to stop and slow down completely. I do have to wonder why out of 18 recently posted stories (in the last 30 days) that 10 of them are classics that the site is putting up. Maybe not enough active authors? It seems when I flipped through the author listings most haven't posted since 2010 or 2011. Only a few have posted this year and those were mostly back in January and February. Not a big showing and I also wonder how many more downloads I might get since most authors seem to be male and story genre's are mostly sci-fi, fantasy, military, western. I can't see them very much interested in my short vignettes. Look how badly Jane Eyre and Anna Karenina are doing when compared to a sci-fi story posted 7/23 with 614 downloads and already 30 votes and another sci-fi posted 7/13 with 991 downloads and 44 votes? At this rate I'll never get any votes if you need that many downloads to average so few votes and you don't get a score unless you have votes.
Okay, enough of this. Stats are great when they are clear cut like I ran so many miles in this amount of time. If I try to compare downloads and votes, or lack of, it is just another way of turning something that is positive (people have actually downloaded my stories to read!) into something that I am thinking is negative. That isn't what posting on this site was supposed to be about. Besides, it's only been a week there...not quite the same timespan of March 2010 through the present that I have on my running site.
But, yes, leave it to me to figure out how something good I've done really isn't.
TT
I've got to be hot and cold
I've got to be taught and told
Got to be good as gold
lyrics from Miniature Disasters
KT Tunstall
Friday, August 3, 2012
Lists
- Do some laundry
- Clean the kitchen
- Sweep the tile floor
- Mop it afterward
- Wipe down the countertops
The lists aren't always chores. Sometimes they are ideas, although those are mostly noted on index cards. I've got tons of those. I'd have to make myself another list to remember to organize my index cards. Now that would be a chore. I'm not exactly sure how I might tackle that. I guess I could try to make piles of cards separated by their type of idea. Most of the time I just shuffle through them like playing cards. I don't always deal myself a great hand but sometimes I get an ace or two. You know. I get a card that had a good idea written down? Right. You get it? An ace. Nevermind.
- Dust the TV stand
- Vacuum the staircase carpet
- Start a grocery list
- Wash the car
Friday - it's you
A seemingly long week has come to it's last work day in a flash. I'm not sure what type of time warp I entered or when exactly I entered it but it appears that must have been what happened to me this week. I would have said, if asked, that this week was turning into one of the longest to date. And yet here I am this morning staring Friday in the face. Slow, fast, too much, not enough. As long as it's Friday I think I can get through even if I don't figure out when, where, or how I managed to get here.
I'll take it. Bring it on.
TT
I'll take it. Bring it on.
TT
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Another month
The calendar turned over again. Just when I thought there wasn't any way I could adjust my time last month it's over and a new one is starting.
I didn't know if my idea of running on the treadmill at the gym during the week would work. I would only have my early morning weekends to run outdoors and I wasn't convinced I could keep up with a passable amount of miles doing it with that combination. I opted to run very early mornings at the gym and with the 4th of July holiday and a few extra days off I was able to get some really nice outdoor runs done besides weekends, too. Especially that one last week at the coast. So I managed very well, all things considered, with 81 total miles for July.
The latter part of the month my mind was invaded with thoughts about my fiction writing. It was a persistent, reoccurring thought that I had no control over and before I would realize it, I was pondering it over and over again. What was holding me back, why couldn't I get past myself? It's tough trying to figure out how to do something all by yourself. It doesn't help when you remind yourself all the reasons you shouldn't be able to do it. It doesn't help if you are uncertain about there being any degree of value to what you might be writing.
I could have asked for someone to read what I had but then, I thought, what position would I be putting them in? If they didn't think is was good, they would still feel obligated to give me a positive response. People would prefer not to deliver negatives and will naturally try to support my efforts. I don't want to put them in that position and I would really, really prefer the feedback, negative included, in order to fix what I am doing wrong. But it's never that simple and so I struggled on alone. I knew I had to change my mental attitude. It was getting too tough to do my best when I was always expecting the worst.
I found a writers site I could post some old short pieces I wrote ages ago. I did that last week. I'm not sure if it was that step or if I just finally put aside all my other thoughts about what was holding me back. I started writing fiction again. I realized how very close I am to the end of my story. I have added and developed more in the past few days than I have in months. There have been quite a bit of solid words that keep on coming. I sat down last Saturday to attempt to write for 30-45 minutes and it turned into 3 1/2 hours before I stopped.
Somewhere along my recent way I turned that small corner from anxiety to getting it done. Maybe posting those very old short pieces on that site was enough to give me the slightest amount of validation I might have needed. Just to have it there and knowing a handful of people had read it among all the other pieces written by others.
What a month. I managed more than I thought when it started out.
Here comes another.
TT
I didn't know if my idea of running on the treadmill at the gym during the week would work. I would only have my early morning weekends to run outdoors and I wasn't convinced I could keep up with a passable amount of miles doing it with that combination. I opted to run very early mornings at the gym and with the 4th of July holiday and a few extra days off I was able to get some really nice outdoor runs done besides weekends, too. Especially that one last week at the coast. So I managed very well, all things considered, with 81 total miles for July.
The latter part of the month my mind was invaded with thoughts about my fiction writing. It was a persistent, reoccurring thought that I had no control over and before I would realize it, I was pondering it over and over again. What was holding me back, why couldn't I get past myself? It's tough trying to figure out how to do something all by yourself. It doesn't help when you remind yourself all the reasons you shouldn't be able to do it. It doesn't help if you are uncertain about there being any degree of value to what you might be writing.
I could have asked for someone to read what I had but then, I thought, what position would I be putting them in? If they didn't think is was good, they would still feel obligated to give me a positive response. People would prefer not to deliver negatives and will naturally try to support my efforts. I don't want to put them in that position and I would really, really prefer the feedback, negative included, in order to fix what I am doing wrong. But it's never that simple and so I struggled on alone. I knew I had to change my mental attitude. It was getting too tough to do my best when I was always expecting the worst.
I found a writers site I could post some old short pieces I wrote ages ago. I did that last week. I'm not sure if it was that step or if I just finally put aside all my other thoughts about what was holding me back. I started writing fiction again. I realized how very close I am to the end of my story. I have added and developed more in the past few days than I have in months. There have been quite a bit of solid words that keep on coming. I sat down last Saturday to attempt to write for 30-45 minutes and it turned into 3 1/2 hours before I stopped.
Somewhere along my recent way I turned that small corner from anxiety to getting it done. Maybe posting those very old short pieces on that site was enough to give me the slightest amount of validation I might have needed. Just to have it there and knowing a handful of people had read it among all the other pieces written by others.
What a month. I managed more than I thought when it started out.
Here comes another.
TT
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