Nerd extraordinaire

I wear prescription contact lenses for distance. I have worn them many years and over those years the prescription has gotten stronger in order to correct the vision. This has caused me the small problem that if I am wearing my contact lenses for distance, it blurs my reading. If I take off my contact lenses to read, I can’t see past the end of my feet. Well, that would be if I was stretched out in bed reading. I don’t know why I’d need to see past my feet if I was standing. That would mean I would be looking down, right?

Anyway - in order for me to wear my contact lenses for distance and also read, I wear reading glasses. You know the ones…the cheap magnifiers that they sell everywhere now a-days. They actually come in some nice styles. I had a great pair that I wore everyday and liked very much. Being the inexpensive item there were, they wore out. They wore out even more quickly when I dropped them on the concrete floor at lunch and cracked the lens frame. I was able to keep wearing them but the right lens would pop out every now and again.
I knew I needed to replace them. I meant to go and replace them. I should have replaced them.

I was meeting with my boss in his office to go over my mid-year review. He was going over my accomplishments and letting me know all the details I had taken care of during this portion of the appraisal period. He was letting me know how I was able to keep on top of things and so on and then the lens popped out of my reading glasses. It fell on the paperwork and tried to spin there for a second. My boss stopped and expressed his concern that I would need to replace an expensive pair of prescription glasses. I grabbed the frames off and explained they were only reading glasses-magnifiers, but I was so embarrassed I started to stutter how they were already broken and I’d been meaning to go to Wal-Mart or Target to replace them but hadn’t done it yet…and blab, blab, what was I going on about?!?! I caught myself, stopped stammering and hid the frames and lens in my tight fist that I dropped down by my side furthest away from my boss.

Geez…what a great display of professionalism and competence on my part! I had admitted they were broken, yet I was still wearing them. If I was so good with the details wouldn’t this be one of the things to take care of right away? I should have considering the fact that if I didn’t have them to wear I couldn’t see, so then I wouldn’t be able to do my job? Was there any saving grace that I hadn’t actually taped them!?

You don’t think it will show up on the next review, do you? I can see it now. Needs to improve decision making (if your glasses are broken) and time management skills (find time to buy new ones)!

Cripes.
TT

Add eight

Sometimes I have to change things up. Sometimes I have to break from my routine, get outside my comfort zone and do something that is out of my norm.

I changed my hair appointment today.

What? That’s it?! That’s the big getting out of my comfort zone, breaking routine? I can almost hear you say...she is kidding, right? Nope. Not kidding. I have had a hair appointment every 7 weeks for two years. Yes, I believe that time frame is about right. It was about two years ago I decided I was going to stop using hair color.

It seemed that no matter the hair color I used, it no longer resembled any natural color to be found on the face of this earth. I don’t know why that was. I tried different brands and different shades but the un-reality of them all were obvious (to me anyway). That meant if I stopped, and even though I never strayed too far from my natural color, I was older. That meant when it grew out I would have dark hair with gray.

But who was I kidding by covering the gray with a color that only looked natural in the test labs of a company? A company that was in the business of selling you whatever you would allow them to make you believe. I didn’t believe that by covering my gray with an alien hair color that no one would know that I wasn’t older. It just made me look more, it made me seem more, more…alien.

So I stopped with the concession that I would have my hair cut and styled regularly – every 7 weeks. I found my hair grows at an alarmingly snails pace so the process took at least a year and a half where I sacrificed a lot of length but finally had it completely grown out. So now I have shinier, healthier, dark hair with gray, but I want my length back!

I mentioned it. Out loud. I was told to move my appointment out 8 weeks.
Eight? That much? It’s already been more than seven since I moved it out four already! Eight more? The answer was yes. I thought about it.

Then today I called and changed my hair appointment. I moved it to the third week in November. I changed it up. I broke the routine. I got out of my 7 week comfort zone.

(Sigh) I know. The making me seem alien had nothing to do with the hair color.

TT

Stable shopping?

Sunday - 6:58pm
I am just now getting back from replacing the bathroom vanity at the home improvement store. I have a brand new one in a box waiting to replace the one that managed to break a corner off the porcelain top.

Let me explain. I had sat down hours ago (many hours ago) starting to work on my book. I was going to spend the afternoon adding to what I have. I was going to spend my free time continuing the story. It was a good day so far, I ran this morning (and yesterday) so I was feeling fairly good. And I was going to write.

It was an unexpected pleasure (even if it did interrupt) to have Jay’s nephew show up with an electrician friend of his to finish the upstairs bathroom project. They were going to install my lighting fixtures, complete the piece they were missing from the sink plumbing and install the mirror lighted cabinets above the sink. Since they were working upstairs I was too distracted to continue writing but I thought it was going to be great to have the bathroom finished!

So lighting fixtures all were installed including the lighted mirror when they went to glue down, (or caulk or whatever they do) the sink countertop. There must have been a hairline crack in the triangle of a corner because somehow it broke. Of course. I’m not spending my time writing but I am thinking things are going so fine and well when this happens. The countertop now had a chuck of the corner broken off. Now it needs to be returned. Now all the plumbing of the faucets and under the sink has to come out because the countertop sink and cabinet were sold as a combo. I can’t just exchange the top but I need to exchange all of it. So we do. We exchanged it and we are now home with a new combo to install. I am using this time to let you know while Jay’s nephew drops off his electrician friend and then returns since he plans on installing it all over again tonight.

I lost my writing time.

I almost wish I wouldn't have people in my house till late tonight but its good that he wants to finish. I was wishing the next time I brought up the bathroom it was to say it was all done. I was wishing I would be able to say I had written so many more words on my book. I was wishing.

If wishes were horses I’d need a stable!

TT

Nothing wasted

This picture was not staged. I didn't pull out my notes and pages from my book and throw them carefully across my keyboard and desk stategically (so you couldn't read too much of what was written). This index card stays propped up in the box on my desk the way you see it. Posting it now so you could see it...well, it just seemed to fit.

It's another tool.

It is a reminder to me to stay on track. Stop rambling...do I have a point?

I have questioned myself quite a bit lately about this blog. I have felt like I needed to break it down. I wrote down these words when I asked myself what I was going for...what was I trying to accomplish?

• Practice
• Consistency
• Discipline
• Improvement
• Enjoyment
• Challenge

They aren't in any order of priority but just a list. It was another exercise to show myself I wasn't spinning my wheels or wasting time. If I were to run down the short list I would be able to check each one off. I have accomplished each item. These are items I hope to continually check off again and again. They are also things that could be applied to different things. I could apply it to my job or my running. Simple. I validated.

The tools are working. The blog, the index cards, the writing. I am not saying I wouldn’t like to be able to bounce some opinions around about improving my writing. I think I could benefit from hearing another voice besides my own. But that isn't something that can always happen and yet I haven’t given up. In the past at this point I would have written…I should give up. I don’t have anything else. This was as good as it will ever get and there is nothing else to do but move on to something else I can do better. Finished, done, don't look back.

But I haven’t and I don’t even feel that way for more than a few moments. Okay, I’m not delusional. Things don’t always go as well as I would like. I know that and that's when I question myself. The difference is I have kept plugging along. The difference is now I am not listening to myself discount me. The difference is I will find a way and hopefully sooner rather than later I will make another small break through and find all these wasted words lately got me to another, better point.

Did I say wasted? Strike that.

TT

At the end of the rainbow

I had every intention of getting up this morning and painting the rest of my upstairs bathroom. I was not going to allow the original carpenter to return even if he decided to show himself again. He didn't, he hasn't and so all I had was half the bathroom painted, a beautiful floor and the washer and dryer operational.

It turns out a rainbow appears after some hard rains and yesterday afternoon I got a call from Jay's nephew asking if I was home from work and if he could come over. Sure, okay, come on over. This young man is a plumbers apprentice and when he arrived he proceeded to finish painting, installed the toilet, the new sink, cabinet and faucets. He cleaned up after himself and said he would be back to finish with the lighted mirror cabinet and the light fixtures. I didn’t have to do anything and the bathroom is almost complete. Some rainbow, don’t you think?

I probably shouldn't be talking so much about a bathroom but what can I say. It's been a struggle. Once the mirror goes up above the sink it will be almost complete. It looks good, it looks clean, which was something that I have wanted done for over two years. I didn't have to take it all on myself.

Aren't you glad this is almost complete? I sure am!

There shouldn't be so much bathroom talk but with it all falling into place after such uproars during the week really made me feel like I had gotten to the end of the rainbow.

Go figure.

TT

Pages

It's been hard to find time lately but I really have kept working...



Not that I thought you didn't believe me. This might have been just to prove it to myself.

These aren't nearly all the pages. Not nearly. I haven't printed all the typed pages I have saved of first draft writing I've done for the book. It's just a reminder for me.
Look. It is real.

And now it is time to clear off my desk and keep going.

TT

Memory of a Laundromat

I think being without my washer and dryer for so long had me thinking I was going to have to go to a Laundromat. Luckily, that was solved and I’ve managed more loads of laundry yesterday evening while I was writing. What the thinking about going to the Laundromat did was also make me think of a scene I had written on my previous book. That would be the one I ended up pulling and stopped writing after approximately 70 or so full pages. I had a moment (another one or one of many) where I read random pieces and decided all was awful and stopped writing it.

But I had written a scene in a Laundromat and I went back and pulled my hardcopy. I was curious about it so I found it and read that part. My memory of the scene in the Laundromat was how hot I thought I had portrayed it…

Lea and I were slumped in uncomfortable, plastic chairs. Lea was waving a folded newspaper at her face to stir up any air that might be in this god-forsaken Laundromat, as she called it. She had insisted on coming with me. She had wanted to go the gym but I had told her I needed to get this done tonight and didn’t plan on changing my mind. She wanted to know why I had been avoiding her. I hadn’t been avoiding her. Not this time, I just wanted to get this laundry out of the way before the weekend.
“How can you stand this heat,” she gasped, waving the newspaper harder.
“It’s really not that bad, Lea, and I said you didn’t have to come.”
“It IS really that bad, why don’t you sweat!” she wanted to know.
“I DO sweat, you’ve seen me sweat. What are you talking about? I just tolerate it more than most.”
“How do you do it?” She stopped waving the newspaper. She put it her hands between her knees as she leaned forward and turned her head toward me.
I shrugged, “I don’t know. I guess because I always preferred to be outside when I was a kid.”
She sat up and turned more toward me holding the newspaper in one hand. “So you’re parents let you go outside all the time?” she asked.
I lifted just my eyes to look at her. “I said I preferred to be outside.”
She sat straight up and laid the newspaper across her knees turning as far to face me as the bolted plastic chairs would allow. “So they didn’t mind you being out of doors.”
“Who didn’t mind?”
“Your Dad and Mom.”
“They didn’t care.”

I went on and read more and I ending up reading a good portion of maybe 10-15 pages or so of the story. I didn’t remember the actual words and how I maneuvered them. I didn’t remember how I had placed the characters in instances and how I had them work through those instances. They were there and likable and not flat. I can say I don’t remember making them that way. I don’t remember how I came up with some of the things they did and how I wove it together. Lea was originally an unplanned character. She walked into a scene early on almost without my knowledge and became fun to write. She wasn’t the main character and I didn’t always know what she would come up with but it was always fun.

And it turns out, not so bad either. At least that’s my thinking now, wait and it might change again. I know and have known I will go back and finish this story but not just yet. I am planning on going forward with the one I’ve started recently and finish it even if it’s just terrible. I am still going to finish it. And maybe by letting loose of my white knuckled fists a bit, it won’t be such a trauma.

Funny that - Tessa’s Trauma.

TT

Want something done

Well, the carpenter never showed up again. Yesterday was his cut off day. If he didn't show he was fired and he didn't show. I lost all patience, got out of work, bought a can of semi-gloss white latex interior paint and proceeded to paint half the bathroom. I did the section that holds the washer and dryer. I painted the entire section, cleaned the brushes, put away the paint, swept, mopped up all the spots on the brand new floor and waited for the washer and dryer to be moved and re-connected.

I had gotten dried paint all down my arm since I managed to back into every wall in the small area and had paint spots all over my hands. My shoulder was cramping up from reaching because even with a step ladder I must be the shortest person on earth and can't reach. I think this might prove I am not the perfect height for me since my feet were not touching the ground and that seems to be the deciding factor on that point of view. One I never agreed with...I knew I had good reason. It might have helped if I had worn my heels but I wasn't about to put up with any ridicule if I was caught doing that. Besides, I didn't want to mess my shoes up. I’ve proven I have too much trouble buying new.

BUT...half done now feels better than none done. I had wanted to write but there was no way last night. I needed to get into the shower and get rid of all the paint I managed to get all over myself. By the time I got out, the washer and dryer were in place and connected. I was able to do a load of laundry.

I wanted something done and I guess I got my wish.

TT

Keeping on

Here is something I had not expected about yesterdays post, Puzzled. I started out writing it with the idea of my feelings about being confused about my direction on this blog. I started writing it in the draft section within blogspot then went to copy it over into my working documents that I save on my laptop. My working documents are pieces I’ve been writing offline, to the side, in the background, so to speak. You see those sometimes, and sometimes you don’t. (There were at least four last week you did not see).

As I was copying what I had written yesterday into a working document I knew I needed to trim and nail down what I was saying. I was a little surprised when I found the document I opened had the majority of that same idea already written. It not only was written but it was better. I had obviously been thinking about this subject for a while and had already written most of it. As I read through it, I was able to edit (yes, but I didn’t delete much) and hopefully found a better balanced version of what I had started out to say for the second time.

I guess it’s only important to mention this now because I have to count that as a benefit? I had written something, stored it and pretty much discounted it as not good enough. The funny part is I went to write the same idea again I found good things in what I had previously written that I didn’t see the first time around. I’m not sure of the lesson here but I feel like I’ve learned something.

Maybe it is something like…score one for the keep on, keeping on?
TT

Puzzled

If anyone actually read these posts I would ask the question, aren't you tired of this? The thought went through my mind because there are times when I am tired of hearing myself talk. It seems to have just gotten excessive. The talking seems to have become excessive. I wasn't starting out to make this blog...I think that is part of the problem. I didn't know what this blog was when I was starting out. I didn't have a great idea of what I wanted this to be. I still don't know. I thought it would be a good way to push me to write something since I have a major self-editing problem. That was such a major problem that words would disappear from my page almost before I typed them.

I mentioned the tired of hearing myself talk in passing to a co-worker. They thought maybe writers come across that problem now and again. I hadn't thought of that. I thought I was just spinning my wheels about writing this every day and all. Maybe I am worried someone might read it. Then again, it has never really been about that. So then I keep thinking I need to focus in on what this is about.
What should it be, where has it come from and where is it going?

I am not good at these kinds of things. I might need to reach out to hear someone else talk about it with me instead of just myself. I don’t do such a good job listening to myself and I’ve gotten tired of hearing myself talk.

TT

Let them eat...

...Cake

Deconstructed Black Forest Cake:
Starting top left...cake, shot of kirsh, whipped cream, fudge pot and dark cherries reduced in wine.

No right or wrong way to eat. Dip your spoon into one, two, any and sip the kirsh.

It was very good.

I sipped too much kirsh.

TT

Coffee calling

I woke up this morning thinking about the coffee. I knew it was too early on a Saturday to be getting up and out of bed but I could feel it's pull. It was too strong to resist so I didn't. I got up and made a wonderful aromatic pot and I ended up here.

Quiet, dark, too early on a Saturday for anyone to be around making any noise except keystrokes. Mine. Again. Can't seem to give up this time, no matter how hard I try.

I am looking over my recipe for my Deconstructed Black Forest Cake. I need to get a few things to get that going. I had forgotten what a great recipe this was. Truly, from the cake with it's butter, brown sugar, sour cream and 3/4 cups hot coffee, to the fudge pots with bittersweet chocolate and heavy cream to the dark cherries in reduced wine. Then there is more whipped heavy cream and to complete it all with a shot of kirsh. That's the way to end a meal.

I might want to swing by and see about picking up a few things. I was thinking a new shower curtain and towels for the upstairs bathroom. No. it isn't finished. There are still all those things to do but the carpenter keeps saying he will finish if not today then tomorrow. Maybe I should wait on those things to pick up until most things are in place. That might be a better idea. No use in having new things I can't use yet. I will wait on that.

I could click through a whole list of things for today but wouldn't want to bore. Oh, what?

Yeah, I know, too late.

TT

Good with the bad

Out of all the distressingly tough things that I seem to have manufactured this week there have also been some good things squeezed in.

My tile floor is in. The bathroom upstairs is not finished but the work on the floor alone has given it huge gains in the look and cleanliness factors. I am so excited about it. I came home yesterday afternoon and it was all nice and beautiful...here take a look...

Granted, there is still some work to be done including painting, finishing the overhead light fixtures, putting in the cabinet, sink & faucets, lighted mirror, re-installing the toilet, moldings...but hey, this is major for this room. It has a decent floor..look at what is was before...
Too gross! I don't even want to think about that anymore...and look at it (don't). That's why the picture is so small. Better to look at the after picture above...Nice!

So that is well on it's way.


Another nice thing that happened was I got an email from my younger son Dante telling me he had run a 5K and came in third in his age bracket. I didn't get a chance to ask him what prompted him to run the race in the first place, but I thought what he said about coming in third was interesting. He said, there were only about 10 people in his age group. I couldn't help but think that is almost what I said when I came in third in my age group in the 10K I ran in March, only I said there were only three in my age group. Hmmm...

Then I get another email from Sonny (my older son) that the builder is going to put a refrigerator into his new house deal. He sent a picture of a really nice double door fridge with ice/water dispenser and since it was a promo picture one door was open revealing all the food inside. I told him it was really nice to get the fridge and it was great that it came with all that food. He answered back that no...the food didn't come with it, that was what I was for. I answered back..."like I said."

Oh - I don't think I ever mentioned. Sonny had wanted to get a house to get out of paying rent for a tiny apartment and to take advantage of the $8000 first time buyer rebate. He found an exceptional new house, 100% financing, 10,000 additional rebate from the builder, and should be able to move in by October 15!

There are a few more good things but I feel like I'm rambling now and need to stop. Jay gave up the South Beach Diet already...he was disliking too many of the things he had to eat. Or maybe it was that he had to eat what they said or maybe it was...doesn't matter. I was trying too hard for him, prepping everything, trying to make it as easy for him to stick to it as I could. I was trying too hard and that stressed me a bit (understatement you think)?

I'll be doing some cooking this weekend...I found my recipe for Deconstructed Black Forest Cake that I'll be making. I should post a picture of that!

TT

Not attending

I was asked by a good friend yesterday if I would be attending her jewelry party she was having. She had sent me an e-vite and I had put it aside and meant to respond but forgot. I had to tell her I couldn’t bring myself to buy any jewelry still. She understood. She thought I needed to just buy that first piece but she was okay with me not attending because she knew why.

I don’t own any jewelry. I did but it was all stolen. Our home was broken into and they emptied my jewelry boxes and drawer of real and costume jewelry into a pillowcase they stole off a pillow from my bed. All of the jewelry and other things were taken. I came home after work and found the mess they left behind. I was confused on what had happened at first, and then I realized and made a frantic run throughout the house to discover all the things that were no longer in place. I discovered all the things that were gone. I discovered missing things that you would expect like televisions and laptops and some missing things that you wouldn’t expect like my entire set of china. I called the police, I called Jay to come home, and I called a dear friend that stayed on the line with me until the police showed up.

I won’t be attending the party. I replaced the televisions, laptops and pillowcases. There hasn’t been but maybe two times I went to put on a particular piece of jewelry and realized it wasn’t there anymore. But those pieces aren’t ones that can be re-bought at a party. Sometimes I think I should let go of some of the stubbornness that makes me dig in and say fine, I'll do without. I will and have...until I'm reminded again of what I should have but don't.

I can’t bring myself to buy any jewelry still.

TT

Not too happy

Here is the lowdown. I’ve been writing crap and posting it. I want to use the excuse that there has been an abundance of regular life going on. There has seemed to be quite a bit that has distracted me during the times I have normally been able to sit focused on writing. I hate the idea of having four drafts that are so bad they will never be posted along with the recent bad items that have been posted. I can’t allow myself the excuse that – yeah, well, its words every day and I’m doing it. I’m doing it all right. Not liking what is churning out. I have worked hard to reach this small beginning point and I do not like where I’ve been this week in regards to my writing.

I’ve had other weeks like this but to know how bad it is and still?! Really, come on. Maybe that is why there are four others drafts written waiting for the delete. I’ve got to give it to myself for sheer god-awfulness. So whatever it’s worth, I had to get that out. Sometimes I need to talk truth to the wind.

Stay calm

I will throw myself into something without fear. I would like to say I can see things I want so clearly but can’t always tell you what it is. It becomes a frustrating process when I can’t reach up and get it. I will even put my own obstacles in the way. Then I try to shift and change things to make it happen. My own second guessing and the adjustments I make have side effects like the now banished sidewinder, that stupid snake of guilt that I put in the corner of my own room. Guilt for thinking I was spending too much time being self-indulgent and wasting time writing when that wasn’t a thought that had crossed anyone’s mind but my own.

Then it was gone. The feeling I was taking too much time for myself, the guilt, and the frustration I was causing myself for doing something I am finding I want to spend more time on. There has been a calming energy that has been creeping in slowly all around me. I think I might be starting to believe it is okay for me to spend time doing this. I still doubt every word but they are flowing more freely and I am not worried about time spent. I am not that worried if I don’t have an idea or if I skip a day (which really hasn’t happened yet). I am adjusting to a more realistic goal of what I want and can do each day. And that seems to be okay with me. And it is calming. And I am hoping, just hoping, it might help.

Can’t hurt, right?

TT

Shining

Glimmers of light sparkle through the soft clouds.
The brightness hurts my squinting eyes as I look up
rewarding me with countless white gems
exploding behind my eyelids as I blink.
If I were a child, I would twirl round and round,
arms extended, palms up and head back, accepting.
I am wrapped in a pristine haze and feel lightheaded.
I catch my breath, gulping down the golden rays
nearly drowning in their nourishment.
The warmth streaming down from the colorless prisms
prick my skin and hold me captive.
A bondage from which I wish no early release,
holding me and fortifying my soul.
All throughout, I am weakened and given strength.
Without this surrender, there is no victory.
I have absorbed the core of the light and it has left me
Shining.

TT

What's it worth

I thought I would have a blank page yesterday with all the things that seemed to be going on. I didn't have time and when I did I was too tired to put any words down of any worth. I take that back. Their small worth was in the fact that even though I was tired they appeared just the same. I have settled into that nice routine where it feels better when I do a little than when I do nothing. And it really has settled into that. I am not remembering a recent time when I haven’t found and wanted to spend time writing.

To be perfectly honest, when I got up yesterday I was thinking if there was a post at all it would be short. A paragraph at most because I was planning on saying something of the sort that I was taking Sunday off – from writing. I was going to take a quick break from all the words and be okay with letting it rest for the day.

It turned out I was very busy yesterday. But when I was able to steal the few tired minutes away to write, it was worth it to me. And even this morning when I was waiting for the laptop to boot up, I was scribbling notes longhand on chapter two…or two and a half…or where ever I am. It’s somewhere in there. That feels the best.

Small things are worth the most.

TT

Eat now diet later

I started out this morning with a four mile run. I completed it and felt really good. My problem is now its late afternoon and I don’t feel like I’ve stopped running yet. Our carpenter called and should be back on the job tomorrow. So we picked up some light fixtures, hardware, and the lighted mirror for the upstairs bathroom.

Jay also decided he wanted to try the South Beach Diet and wanted to go out and get the book. I told him he had me do that (and read it for him since he doesn’t read anything except the newspaper) years ago when it first came out. Anyway, he had met up with a good friend of his he hadn’t seen in a long time that has gotten his life together, got off some medications, and lost 70 pounds on this diet. He wanted to try so I will definitely help. And you won’t ever hear me complain about going to the bookstore. We got the book. Came home and decided he wanted to start on Tuesday since he has to fast tomorrow for his Cardiologist appointment on Monday.

We sat and I went through all we would need for the first five days (that will put us through Saturday and then I can look at the next) of the first 14 and toughest days of the diet. Jay tried to say he didn’t want to eat that or this and I told him because of the restrictions and glycemic index he would need to eat everything like it or not to make it work. He agreed…even to the no alcohol, decaf coffee, sugar substitute for the full 14 days. Then we had to go shopping for it all (and no, it wasn’t any more expensive than a regular shopping trip – even if I had done some shopping yesterday). But now we have it ready to go except for the things I’ll need to prep for him Monday night. Jay was excited that it claims you will lose 8 to 12 pounds during the two weeks. I can’t be doing that so I won’t be following the diet exactly except for maybe some of the lunches and all of the dinners.

And now it’s late and I am tired. I think I’m just going to crawl away somewhere and read. Maybe I’ll get a pizza.

It’s not Tuesday yet!

TT

Sept 11, not Oct 1

I wanted to say quickly to read the original Rules of Writing post (in August) if you haven't already before reading Rules of Writing, 2 (yesterday). I had to re-visit their offices after getting a little freaked out about my whole, first chapter deadline. If I need to go back to their offices every now and then I just might compile all those post together, but for now two don't exactly make a compilation. That will need to play out and be left to my own freakiness.

It certainly was a pleasant thing to wake up on Friday morning and have completed the first chapter and it being September 11th instead of October 1st. The later date was, of course, the original deadline I thought I needed to complete the first chapter. I’m glad I got pushed over the line and made to do it earlier. How many days of insanity did that save? For me and others. I should have known it was a ploy. Someone obviously knows I can’t stay behind a line drawn in the sand. I was told after Tuesday that I had been doing so well, I was going to be given an extension on the deadline but I refused it. Uh-uh. No, refused, not going to happen. Thursday it was going to be until I realized I didn’t know how long the chapter was supposed to be, thus the Rules of Writing, 2.

And today…well, not too much going on. I managed a 4 mile run this morning. Regular errands that took longer than expected but I needed some groceries. Then I have been here for the past—oh goodness! that long—two and a half hours. I’ve added another 1150 words to the book. I felt like I had to get the count up to 4000 words and I now have 4285 or so. I know, that inner competitive self rearing its ugly head again. I’ll be beating myself up for it later.

No. Not this time. How can I? That word count doesn’t even include these recent posts.
Wow.

TT

Rules of Writing, 2

Note: I would suggest to read Rules of Writing (7/9/09) first...then come back to this post...just a mild suggestion but up to you...

I was heading down that long, narrow, claustrophobic corridor again. I needed information and had to come here to find it. This time I would be ready for it. I pulled the door open and almost backed out before I realized I was at the right place and closed the door behind me. The small foyer had been outfitted with a small reception desk to the left of the high archway leading into the main room.

The dark-haired girl behind the desk had on an earpiece and held up one finger to indicate to me she was on the phone. I couldn’t help but hear her side of the conversation.
“Yes, you have reached the ROW office.”
“ROW office – Rules of Writing”
“Yes, that is correct.”
“One.” Pause
“Nine million point five.”
She paused, rolled her eyes then continued, “Yes.”
“No, I’m sorry. We don’t have the resources to fax you a list.”

I waited patiently as she completed the call. It wasn’t long before she had clicked off and was smiling at me and asking how she could help.

“I’m here to see Erik, I said and quickly added, or Nick – ah, the tall, thin, Nordic looking man?” I slowly lowered my right arm that somehow I had raised above my head to show height.
“Yes,” she said with wide eyes and an unreadable expression. “Go on in,” as she indicated the main room. I could hear her go about answering another call as I wandering through the archway.
“ROW office. How can I help you.” Her voice faded as I went deeper into the room.

This had also changed. The main area was now divided into smaller spaces but with an open floor plan by using the same archways as the main foyer. As I was perusing the modern furniture in the first space Erik made his way over to me. He took both my hands and folded them between his and moved us to sit in the chairs facing each other.
“How are you, Theresa?” he questioned.
“Good. I have another question.”
He released my hands and sat back in his chair, crossing his legs. “Mmm, yes.”
“I need to know how long a chapter is,” I ventured.
“A chapter.”
“Yes. I have a deadline to write one and I’m not sure how long it should be.”
He wiped his hand over his forehead back and forth then smiled at me. “It’s always good to see you.”
“Um, thanks, Erik, but can you help on the chapter length thing?”
He sighed, “Why, of course.”
I waited but he wasn’t saying anything.
“Erik,” I said.
“Yes, oh. Yes.”
“I’ve written everything I wanted to cover from my chapter outline and a bit more. I had scenes happen in different locations, I checked to see how the word count would translate into pages and it’s about 12. I pulled out the novel I have been reading and its first chapter was 12 pages but I’m not sure it’s the right stopping place,” I burbled.
Erik leaned forward with a smile and said, “It is always good to see you.”
“You said that already.”
“I did,” he stated.
“Yes. Now are you going to help me?”
“Yes.”
He paused again and stared at me.

“I’ve finished the first chapter, haven’t I? I said.
“Yes.”

I pursed my lips, fidgeted a moment and then got to my feet. Erik looked up at me with a confused look.
I shrugged. “Well, Erik, Nick, er…I waved my hand in the air…It’s always good to see you, too,” I said as I headed toward the door.

Then I stopped. I turned to face him as a smile that started from my very inside appeared on my face as I said, “Erik?
He looked up at me from his chair. It was then that it dawned on me that I had really finished the first chapter.

My hands went to my mouth, then down again so I could tell him through my excitement. “Thank you so much!”
He smiled back and said, "It's always a pleasure."

TT

Working at it

Progress is one of those things that happen when you work at it. I looked the word up for its meaning and it said: development, usually of a gradual kind, toward achieving a goal or reaching a higher standard. This is how a real source defined progress, not me making up a definition as I did in my post Give curve a new meaning on 8/15/09 when I said,

"Curve?!? And that means...?!?!? Look it up in the dictionary and I believe you will see that the word curve is now defined as the currently politically correct way to say your thighs are getting heavy."

I happen to think the definitions of both words are accurate but let’s get back to progress. There was no progress on the bathroom yesterday. There was no development of any kind, gradual or otherwise. Maybe I misunderstood and the carpenter was supposed to take the day off? I’m not sure. I did go out and pick the tile after work so I might be able to count that. I really won’t be able to count it because when Jay saw the sample I picked he decided it was too light a color and will call the flooring guy to make sure he switches it for the darker version of what I had picked. So that almost makes it a step backward since the one thing that was achieved will need to be re-done. Bother. But, no matter. I think it can all still be considered progress since they are all steps forward toward achieving a goal. I am still looking forward to any progress that happens with this bathroom project. It seems I’ve waited so long for it to get this far, I am not going to complain about one day.

Oh, and are you curious about my deadline? I still have today, you know. My deadline for chapter one is tonight at midnight. I worked on it again last night. I honestly did not have any idea what I had written the night before since it was such a concentrated few hours and then I just shut everything down and didn’t read a thing. I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to progress from where I left off. But somehow I was able to keep going. I can tell you with what I have written for chapter one and this and yesterday’s post I am in the vicinity of just over 4000 words in two days. I don’t know what to say about that.

Really, I don’t.

TT

1900+ and counting

It was raining like crazy on the short drive home yesterday. I needed to get home right after work and had been thinking I would have a run outdoors until I realized how hard it was raining. I had also been informed that I needed to meet another floor guy. Jay had set up another estimate on the tiles to be installed in the bathroom upstairs and I needed to meet with him at 5:00. It worked out well. I got home and the rain had already started to subside. Our carpenter had already left for the day but he had gotten what seemed to me a lot of work done. He had pulled out everything except the tub (we are not replacing it) and already gotten the sheet rock stripped to the new size. It was a perfectly empty bathroom.

This made it all the better for the guy that was going to give us (another) estimate on the floor. He got there right about 5:00pm and was able to give me a ballpark figure of half of what the other company was going to charge! He left and I called Jay to let him know that it seemed we had found a better deal. He would be talking to the guy today and would get the details. Now, of course, we have to pick a tile. All in all, the work here on this bathroom is moving quickly and better than I actually expected. The carpenter seems to be working pretty clean and the tile job won't take long since it is such a small area.

It was about 5:30 when I was actually able to sit quietly to see about tackling this deadline of Thursday for my first draft of my first chapter. This is crazy. But there seemed to be some kind of logic behind it. I guess. It was posed to me this way, “Wouldn’t you feel better if you had it done by Friday morning rather than October 1st?” How could I argue with that? I really can’t expect it to be a ready, done, polished first chapter. I know it will be a first draft (shitty) ready to work on first chapter that will hopefully kick start me into the story. I shouldn’t be just talking about how close I am and all the ideas I have and on and on but never writing a word. That won’t work. So yesterday I thought I could work until 7:00pm. I worked until 7:40, pushed through and got almost four pages and over 1900 words.

I don’t know what I wrote. Honestly. I wouldn’t let myself go back and read except for what I had just written. When I realized the time I just saved it and shut the laptop down so I can’t comment on what I wrote. I have two more days (I clarified I had until midnight on Thursday but was told I shouldn’t be writing until midnight).

We will see.

TT

Anywhere I can

I knew I would wake up this morning and wish I could have more of the same of the last three days. Sure enough, I am here dressed and ready for work and all I can think about is how I would rather be getting ready to go out in the neighborhood and run. That would be a perfect scenario (again). It would be nice but unless I change clothes right now and run in the dark that isn’t going to happen. It isn’t going to happen.

I do have a great feeling of having completed lots of things around the house this past weekend. Maybe it is the underlying excitement of knowing the upstairs bathroom is finally going to be started on. I think I am already envisioning how absolutely wonderful it will look once it’s completed. I know I am. It will make such a huge difference in the entire floor. All the other things that need to be done upstairs can be worked through on a smaller scale but that was the one big project that was always out of reach.

I swear I am not going to compare writing to my bathroom. I know I keep pushing the writing just a tad away every time I get close. It always seems like such a huge project. But I said I was not going to compare. I am not envisioning the wonderfully completed version anyway so I will stop here about that.

The good news is that there seems to be a lot of positive energy going around. I would like to think some of it is coming from me but I can’t be too sure. Anyway, where ever it is coming from, I am going to take some where I can.

TT

Good weekend

I have to say I have had a very good three day weekend. I have managed to run three miles, three mornings in a row. It will be something I will definitely miss tomorrow morning when I need to pack myself up and go back to work. It was such a good feeling to wake up and be able to get those miles in almost effortlessly. It was such a good feeling to be able to get it accomplished and for it to feel so good doing it. I will miss it tomorrow for sure.

I also have been able to get quite a few things done here at home. Housekeeping hasn’t been high on my priority list lately but I have to say things have gotten put a little more in order this weekend. I did all the laundry and the ironing. I know…that isn’t something that most people would qualify as a good weekend but I usually iron on a day I am off and in the late afternoon. It doesn’t take any brain power and it keeps me from fidgeting and I still get a really good feeling of getting something done. I also cleaned all the dirty spots off the staircase. I didn’t think that was going to be an easy task (maybe it wasn’t really) but it looks so much better and cleaner. It was well worth it. Dusting was done and there seemed to be so much of it!

We finally got our back door replaced and installed. Little and big things are getting done and it feels so much better. Now the exciting part - for me anyway -since this was the first project that should have been done ages ago. We have a carpenter coming in tomorrow to start work on the upstairs bathroom. We are finally going to get new tiles on the floor, a new cabinet vanity, mirror, sheetrock, ceiling and painting done. I know it might sound like an odd thing to be excited about but you have to understand that even when I am working up here I don’t use that bathroom. I always go back downstairs. This upstairs bathroom was what the boys used when they lived here and I wished they had taken it with them when they moved out. It was destroyed. Like I said, I don’t use that bathroom. So for us to finally get started on cleaning it up! It will make the entire upstairs so much more comfortable. It will look so much better. I have been so looking forward to it. So there was plenty of just regular life going on this weekend. It felt good to get these things done without too much pressure. Oh, and if you are wondering about chapter one…I worked almost two hours on getting my sketchy outline done. I have three days to get to actual writing but I feel better working on that part and for a fair amount of time with all that has been going on. I didn’t mention the light fixtures we are replacing. (I snuck up here but need to go back down to help)!

Did I say good weekend? Yes, I think I did because it was.

TT

Chapter one countdown

I went out for a run this morning which makes two days in a row. I managed to run the entire 3 mile route in my neighborhood without much strain. It felt good for a change and I somehow know it will start to creep back into my routine. There seems to be an added bonus when I run while working on a writing project. I seem to get some of my best ideas when I am out on a run. They are not all best ideas but it seems to work well for brainstorming and thought gathering. It works the other way too. Some of my better runs are when I am giving more thought to my ideas instead of how my legs feel like lead.

So among all the thoughts I had this morning I realized I needed to give myself a deadline for writing the first chapter of my book. I thought about giving myself until October first to complete it. I know I have some idea organization to do and I need to write up a brief outline. October 1st seemed like a realistic time frame. It seemed realistic to me.

Then I mentioned it to Jay. I told him I wanted to set a deadline for my first chapter because I keep taking baby steps and/or side-stepping away from it. The actual word I used was pussy-footing. I should not have used that word. It started a whole other side conversation about where that word came from that I can’t even get into. But he said my deadline should be end of day tomorrow.

“Tomorrow! No way!” I said.
“Why not? You’re off tomorrow.”
“But I can’t. I have some ideas to line up.”
“Tomorrow sounds like a good deadline.”
“I was thinking a bit longer than that. I have an outline I need to sketch.”
“But you are only talking about the first chapter.” he said.
“Yes, but that’s not enough time.”
“Okay, then I think you should give yourself until Thursday.”
“Thursday?”
“Yeah, Thursday.”

I must have paused too long to take it in because now I think I have agreed to Thursday as my deadline. It is less time than I was going to give myself. I am not sure I can do it. I guess at least now I have a deadline to shoot for. Maybe it is the kind of push I need to stop stalling.

Thursday. Whew!

TT

The piece fits

I am only writing this now because I know I am getting so excited and worked up about this. I have to breathe this all out in a gush or I won't be able to make heads or tails out of where to start. I have been attempting to get this on paper and I am finding myself going back and forth and so I know organization is going to be key to getting me on track. Breathing normally would go a long way to helping the brain function also at this point.

I had another one of my puzzle pieces fit in my story that I didn't know or maybe only sub-consciously knew wasn't fitting until I got it in the right place. I had another major idea on my story come to me. As you know from my post Pale beginnings, I had made an attempt to start the first chapter of my book. Can I call it that? I keep calling it my major project but that doesn't sound quite right any more. Boy, I am feeling good about this!

I was continuing to plan the opening chapter and knew I would be needing names for some minor characters that needed to be present. I had actually jotted down a few I could use and then at this point I don’t remember where the idea came from. It was a name, a first and last name. Both. That hasn’t happened. You can go back to read In a name from July and it will confirm my difficulties in that department. So this was a really odd occurrence. I, at first, thought the first and last name could be used for a minor character. I had not thought of that for very long when I realized who belonged to the name! I saw her! She was a very strong supporting character that HAD to be there. She gave wardrobe and accessorized an entire section that had only been a color book outline. Okay, simply put, she filled in a huge space that made more sense in the scheme of the book than what I had originally thought might work.

So here I am. It is the reason I need to stop and breathe. I got so excited I came up and started where I left off on chapter one and realized I needed to work out a few details and calm down a bit in order to make sense of what is coming out on the page. So here I am giving you the nonsense writing to spare the chapter. I am giving you the non-calm, crazy writing, so I can spill that out and start calmly and collectedly and organized on the chapter. I will need to print what I have written and write some notes long-hand on that chapter. I predict there will be lots of arrows and notes about the focus and where it starts. I need to make a few decisions on who and what. Deciding how much will need to be adjusted.

What a charge to see that piece fit correctly!

TT

iPods don't lie

It must have been the long day combined with my dragged out feeling that made me lose my attention and turn it to my ipod yesterday afternoon. About two weeks ago my desktop computer at home that stored my iTunes crashed after a really bad thunderstorm. The power went out just as it I was trying to shut it off and it was asking me please don't turn it off until it had completely shut down. It should have asked the thunderclap instead of me because that's when the power decided to go out for 2 hours. When the power came back on the desktop was blasted and recovery disks were in order, installed and I was able to get it running again. Unfortunately, when iTunes was reinstalled it didn't have all the music it should have.

In any case, I have avoided connecting my ipod to the desktop in fear that it will sync to the incredibly smaller library of music that is on the desktop than the "real" library that is still stored on my ipod. Oh gosh, this is taking longer to explain than I thought and boring too. Sorry, it's just aftermath of being so sick and tired.

Anyway, yesterday afternoon I obviously needed a distraction and for some reason I started flipping through my menu on my ipod and found in my section of playlists that there was one called Top 25 Most Played. Hmmm. It must keep count of what I listen to the most. I know I didn't come up with that list. I was curious. What do I listen to the most? I had no idea.

Tessa: What?!
ipod: Number one....Bad Things by Jace Everett.
Tessa: You're kidding.
ipod: No. Bad Things is number one.
Tessa: I don't listen to it that much!
ipod: Obviously, you do. It's number one on the Top 25 Most Played.
Tessa: I don't think so.
ipod: But you do. It's right here at number one.
Tessa: And the next one?
ipod: Number two...Wicked Way by Benjamin Taylor.
Tessa: Uh Uh. It isn't.
ipod: Yes. Wicked Way is number two.
Tessa: It's not. Stop that.
ipod: It is. Believe it.
Tessa: Come on. This is a joke.
ipod: No. Top two songs are Bad Things and Wicked Way.
Tessa: It can't be right.
ipod: It can't be wrong. All I do is count.
Tessa: Right. Okay.
ipod: Ready for number three?
Tessa: Wait. I'm not so sure about Number one or Number two.
ipod: Sure or not. That's the way it adds up.
Tessa: What about Tantric - Down and Out. I've listened to that a lot!
ipod: But you haven't had it as long.
Tessa: That's true. Okay, so what is number three?
ipod: Number three is...My Immortal by Evanescence.
Tessa: Okay. I believe that one.
ipod: You can believe all of them. I'm not programmed to lie, only count.

You can tell it's been a long sick week when I am talking to my ipod by Thursday afternoon. The good news is I am feeling much better physically but now I seem to have completely lost my mind. Ah well, it was only a matter of time anyway.

I still think the ipod was lying.

TT

Feeling terrific

I swore to myself up and down that I wasn't going to step near the laptop today since I was feeling so drained. I swore I would stay away to be still and get some rest. I really don't feel well. Any normal person would stay home and not do anything except recover. I guess that is what a normal person would do. How would I really know since I so don't seem to be one of those, those normal people. I just keep trying to continue my day to day as if I felt fine but the reality is I do not. Did I say I was tired and felt drained? My head hurts too much to try to remember. But my head only hurts because I am feeling so tired from this effing sore throat.

Don't worry. I am not infecting anyone or anything. I am not sneezing or blowing my nose or doing the disgusting things that could spread this infectious parasitical illness type disease that has invaded the confines of my throat that is now a raw burning energy draining....okay. I'll stop now. I hate being sick and hate not being able to snap my fingers and feel terrific when I should be feeling terrific. I swore I wasn't going to push today. I swore I was going to take it just a bit easier and rest. I swore to myself it was okay if I took a break and didn’t write, but dang.

I did.

TT

Whatever the reason

It certainly is a funny feeling when you know it is time to get up, shut down the laptop and go to work and I just don't want to pull myself away. I know it is time to go and yet I would so prefer to sit here and spend some time working through these ideas that I need to get organized. It's a funny state to be in when the ideas are hovering on the edges without being fully formed and I know I am going to have to quietly push the door closed for a while. I don't have time to sit and bring them out now to see how they need to be dressed up or down. No matter how much I would like to do that right now, I can't and by sitting here any longer I will just make myself late.

Needless to say, I wrote the paragraph above yesterday morning and indeed had to walk away. I guess the responsible me was stronger than the creative me. Or maybe the get yourself to work and pay the bills me was watching out for the you will starve to death if you think the ideas will pay the bills me. It might be a classic example of life colliding with fantasy. Creativity put on hold for the monetary things in life. So it will be squeezing it in, finding time, and hopefully being creative whenever I have the time without being too tired syndrome.

I have had an extra problem this week in that I have also been suffering with a terribly sore throat. I don’t know what it is since it hasn’t progressed beyond that. No chills, or fever or swine flu but just a sore throat. It has been bad enough were people I work with have come up to my desk to find out who is sitting in my place. It’s only me, but they are not recognizing my voice since it’s turned itself into a gravely bass with an occasional whispered word thrown in for good measure. I know it could be much worse but it has been like this since Sunday and I am sick of being sick. If I can even call this being sick since I have no other symptoms and it hasn’t affected anything except now I’m getting tired. But that might just be psychological. It is hard to tell.

I am not looking for sympathy even though this would be my opportunity, I guess. I know it is wearing me out and I won’t be able to sit here again and write but for another reason. The reasons seem to be stacking up and I’m tired of that too. There is nothing like wanting to get something going and having various reasons for it not to happen. Even if some of these reasons are legit, it doesn’t help me much.

Well, the time will make itself available again and I won’t have this blasted sore throat forever. I’ll open that door again soon after I’ve had a chance to rest. I should do that, right?


TT

Pale beginning

I spent some time yesterday with my project, she says in hushed tones. Maybe no one will hear. It almost sounds like a secret rendezvous’. Maybe I shouldn't be admitting to it. Maybe I shouldn't say it out loud. Maybe this is something I should be keeping a secret and not sharing. Maybe. But it isn't like it's a secret and I know I will be spending even more time, more often doing it. So what is the harm?

I probably didn't get as much done or spend as much time as I should on it. Well, let me say I probably didn't do as much as my own expectations of how much, how long as I feel I should have spent on it. It is hard to know what the right amount is. I would rather spend huge blocks of time on it but after a full day of work and time going as fast as it does when I'm not working, it is something that is more difficult than you might expect. Or I might expect.

But I did. I did spend some time working on it. It was a little tough. I am thinking too hard on it and a little afraid. It's the beginning and it has some things to establish. I think I am hesitating because I want to make sure they are presented correctly. I know, and if I don't present them at all then how could they be presented correctly or not? So I'll keep at it.

I might let you know how it goes. I do know I will have much more to do for it to qualify as a beginning. But eventually it will qualify. I plan on using the rules of writing.

You know the one I mean. Write.

TT