Back to square one

There was once upon a time that I was able to jump right into these pages and fill them up so quickly nothing could stop me. I'm not sure what happened from that time till now. More pages are staying blank and starkly white, staring back at me - if pages were able to stare. They can't, of course, and the reason they stay blank isn't so much because I haven't jumped in to fill them up but because I get to about this point and re-read what I have written. At that point, I erase it all and get up and leave.

I'm letting it go today. I'm not worrying about the, 'what the heck is this all about,' and will hit publish. It's the orange button with the white lettering in the upper right hand corner. This used to be an exercise in getting words down, every day, and consistently. In order to get better you have to write.

Write, write, write. But with all the jimble, jumble of words written here I have been going back and trying to figure out what I've written.  I'm spending a lot of time removing thoughts I have re-read and consider editable or erasable. My edit filter has been turned to high and not much is able to get through. The whole idea of putting things down here was to get the ideas on the page and curb some of the editing that was keeping me from getting anything on the page. There has to be more work from me than just write, write, and write, then re-read and erase.  Well, wait a minute.  It might actually help if I were to at least start to write, write, write, again.

Good idea. But then - when? And then the lyric from the group, Rage Against the Machine, floats through my head.
It has to start somewhere. It has to start sometime. What better place than here. What better time than now?

The lyrics are a little out of context here from what the song was actually talking about but it could be easily applied. Obviously, my mind drifted off topic again or I wouldn't be thinking of random songs. I'm not sure what it has to do with fiction writing except that maybe it's trying to tell me I need to get started again - like now. Or maybe I should go back and erase all this.

And if I did that (erase) I would be at the exact spot I was when I first started, which was editing to the point of no words left on a page.

It has to start somewhere.
TT

It's not raining - yet

Now we are getting more rain. I had two more miles left of my eight mile run this morning when my tracker paused and allowed my phone call to come through.

"Hello," I said, coming to a halt and pausing on the sidewalk.
"Where are you?" asked Jay.
"I'm right at the corner before I turn back to the house." I didn't mention I was going past to make the two miles.
"Are you coming in from the rain?"
"It's not raining."

It wasn't. Well, it was wet and there were sort-of drizzle coming down but I was already sweaty and it felt good.  All that fresh air and all. And I reassured Jay with what seemed logical to me so he wouldn't worry.

"I've got my phone in a ziploc bag."

I don't think he was worried about the phone. But I finished my eight miles just when the drizzle was turning a little harder and before Jay left for work. Everything is nice and dry now. Except for outside where it is very wet and raining quite nicely. Not just drizzle but rain. And I'm home. Inside. All done.

Eight miles. Check.
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Thunder

We found Thor.

We have been promised rain over and again by the professional forecasters and never got a drop. There were multiple days that all the perfect factors were in place and yet we didn't get any of what was so widely predicted. It was so close. They said it would happen but then it didn't. And then they said it again and again, day after day, and we gave up believing anything they had to say. About rain. Because it wasn't true and it wasn't going to happen. 

Maybe it was because Thor was lost. 

Mr. L brought Thor over to play a few weeks ago when he came to visit. It was a backyard, sit-in-the-grass fun-time, but it got late and Thor was forgotten outside when it was time to go home. He was left and the next day all the small searches made to recover him went unsuccessful. The scanning of the ground in measured steps didn't turn up the God of Thunder. So we gave up and could only wish for rain since the mighty king was gone.

Then yesterday there was a small ruckus raised as the mowers came and edged and blowed and cut the grass outside while Mr. L was here. They moved their equipment around the property to get it into shape and left almost as quickly as they arrived. After they were gone, Mr L and I went to the backyard to see how it looked and there laying on the deck was Thor. He had been found. And then the clouds started to gather and drops started to fall from the sky.

It rained all the rest of the afternoon and most of last night. It was perfection. It was what we needed. There can be only one explanation.  

We found Thor.

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Fall Cookies

It might have been that one cool day we had a few weeks ago that put the thought in my head. I'm not sure. It's hard to tell where inspiration might come from, but if I had to guess where I came up with the idea, it might have been that cool day. It was just enough of a reminder of fall, even though we are still pretty much surrounded by summer heat.

It was all about those fall spices. One cool day and I'm thinking about nutmeg and ground cloves. I was having fleeting ideas of spice cake. It sounded so good in my head but, of course, why settle for a regular old cake. How do you do it with a cookie? So the thought swam around for a while until different aspects started to come together.

I could use my regular drop cookie recipe but the extra work of cooling and rolling the dough would make it a more substantial cookie. I liked that idea. Then what spices did I want to use? I checked my cupboard. Cinnamon, allspice, ground ginger, nutmeg...sure why not? I put together all the ingredients, added the spices, and put it in the fridge for an hour. Rolled them out, cut out the shapes, sprinkled with cinnamon sugar and baked.

It made the house smell like the holidays. It worked. Simple fall cookies that have all the warmth of those subtle, familiar flavors. It worked. I said that already.

Cinnamon Sugar Cookies

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That's not a process

I took care of the 5 miles I said I would this morning. It was extremely humid - like 90%, but it's been that way for days. No rain, just humidity. It'll change. Give it time.

I hit the grocery store after that and then laundry and kitchen clean up. I watched Mr. L for a bit and he decided to edit some of my writing.  Here....

He sat at my computer with a word document open and typed all over it in a very large font. He pointed out a few things as he turned and told me this and that.

I have to say, it was the most feedback I have gotten from someone I know. Somehow, my pages didn't scare him away. They scare most people. At least that is what I assume since I've had instances when someone has said they wanted to read my drafts, but then they vanished into thin air. The person - not the drafts. It was almost like magic.

I've kept that in mind. If I ever really want to rid myself of anyone, I only need suggest they read my fiction. They won't contact me again. Believe me, it's happened. At least I think that is why they never spoke to me again. Oh, well.

But then my editor's mom picked him up, so I actually pulled out one piece of fiction I haven't worked on in a while. Truthfully, I haven't worked on anything in a while so that's not telling you much. In fact, I didn't do much more than pull it out. I've done that many times. Take it out, put it where it is convenient to work on, but never touch it. That's pretty much my process. Just keep it close, but don't touch it.

I need to work on a better process.
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Not all

I knew this would happen. I knew it. The very moment I actually registered for a race I would turn around and sabotage my future training to do it. I was off from work yesterday with all possibilities to get up and run. I am off again today with the chance to go out to the haven and put in a few good miles. I could do those things. I haven't. It's like the very moment I commit, I give up. I would say I've turned tail and run but since none of that is going on, it wouldn't be a good reference. I'm certainly not running, which is what I should be doing. It's what I pictured I'd have time to do, knowing I was going to be off from work. And here I am stuck, not going out to run because...well, there might be rain, the humidity is so very high, I've only done short distances this week and might not be able to get in more than a few miles...if I don't run I have a good reason why I can't do the race I signed up to do. That's the kicker. Giving myself an out, a good reason for not being able.

So. Here's the deal, Tessa girl. Get off your duff and go give the neighborhood a 5 miler. It won't be the long run you planned but it also won't be the zero miles you think you are going to get away with. Simple. Not all, but not nothing.

Agghhh. Alright.
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Hit submit

It's up and at 'em again. I did a quick run this morning before work. I plan on doing that the next few days and then I can re-arrange that early morning time since I am lucky enough to be taking the next two Fridays off from work. I need to bring that vacation bank of mine down again, so I will get two weeks of four-day work weeks and three-day weekends.

Then I went and actually registered for the half-marathon on Oct 18th. I was going to wait up a bit but then I got an email with a bribe of 10% off by using the code word they provided. I went ahead and filled out the registration form very reluctantly. I thought, "I can do this later", as I plugged in the code word and hit apply. I was still thinking of backing out but then it gave me 15% off instead of only 10%. What was I to do? Ah, come on now, and commit. Do it, already. What the heck. So I did.

I've got enough time until then to put the finishing touches on my training. I'm far enough along to get this done. It's just, well, I'd just rather, I would like to, it would be good if I...

It's in place. I'll mark my calendar.
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Fresh air

You could say there has been a wind of change. It's the weather. I'm not sure if it will hang around for any length of time but this weekend there was a definite difference in the temperatures. Whatever blew into my neighborhood early Saturday morning dropped us down to 68 degrees and stayed there even until now.

How utterly splendid. No worries about what time I might run since the weather is pristine at any time during the day. But then I didn't run. And I haven't again - yet. I can go anytime, right? So what about that half marathon I was going to run in mid-October? Is that going the same way as the one I dismissed on August 24th? Why don't I have a stronger reaction to my sitting idle when I should be getting up and going?

I'm too busy enjoying. Yes. You heard me right. I'm letting the fresh air blow through my open window as I sit still and not let the looming  race deadline make me break the wonderful spell of allowing myself the moment. I'll get back to it. This is a different perspective from the one I would have running through the moment. Both are interchangeably excellent in their varied ways. I can appreciate the one more for having experienced the other.

But for now, at this particular moment, the cool breeze feels perfectly fine coming through my window instead of surrounding me on the street. I might run at any time. Just not this very moment.
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Today's Tip

When it comes to running there are a few things I wouldn't recommend. I believe you must use a portion of common sense when it comes to everything you decide to do each day, but there are some obvious things you should avoid. Forcing yourself to get in a workout when you are still injured is never a good idea. Loading up on excessive amounts of greasy food before a long run might have a bad outcome. Don't continuously check your tracking device to see how far you have progressed when you are feeling sluggish. It will never be as much as you think and make a long or short run seem longer.

These are random common sense things. Simple. Not too hard to figure out or come up with. The reason I bring it up is because I have one of those daily calendars that have a running tip on each day's page. Today's Tip was about fennel. Yes. Did you know one cup of fennel provides 30 percent of your daily value for vitamin C? Good tip, I guess. I don't know that much about the nutritional values of fennel since Jay really doesn't like the stuff . It tastes too much like licorice for him. But what does it have to do with running? Well, the tip for today went on to say, "In a recent study, runners who boosted their intake of this antioxidant had less lung tissue damage after running in an ozone-polluted air chamber".

Wait a minute. What? Running in an ozone-polluted air chamber?  Why? I realize it's a study but when do you surrender all common sense to agree to lung tissue damage by purposely putting yourself into that type of environment? I don't think all the fennel in the world would make me run in a polluted air chamber to find out how much LESS lung tissue damage I might have than someone who was running somewhere else. Whose crazy idea was that? Worse. Who were the crazy runners that did it? Must have been some big time fennel lovers! Or seriously lacking in common sense. Maybe?

There are times you need to listen to the tips and helpful hints given to improve. Not running while you're injured, avoiding eating the wrong things before going out to run, and finding a different focus then your mileage when you are getting sluggish are helpful. These are things I would recommend doing. Throwing your common sense out the window is never going to be a good option. Do you really want to eat more fennel so you can have less lung tissue damage than someone who hasn't run in an ozone-polluted air chamber? Think about it.

Today's Tip: Don't just do it. Use your common sense.
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Fibbing

I ran my longest distance this year two weeks ago.  It was the 8 miles I mentally clocked down each mile while running at the haven. I did it, but I was very apprehensive and it made for a, hmm...a little tougher run than it had to be. In the following two weeks up to the present I haven't done more than a total of  just under 30 miles since that run. That's the way the voice in my head see's it..."only 30 miles".

Then yesterday, I hauled myself up and to the haven again arriving just at 7:00 am. Thoughts of not going had floated through my head since it was the first Saturday. I wanted to think the vendors setting up their booths and all the activity in preparation for their small monthly festival would bar me from going out. It was apparently another mental excuse I made myself get over. It was that lying voice reminding me it's tough and I should re-think this idea for a shorter distance or not at all.

Somehow, my resolve blocked that voice until it was an insignificant murmurings. I would hit at least that 8 miles again, although I needed to stick to my plan of 9.  Since I was going out and back, it would be easier to count 5 out and 5 back. The voice came back, "but that would be 10 miles". I wasn't paying it any attention. By the time I was out and running, I wasn't counting down miles but finding my pace and looking up and around at the rolling hills. The inclines I managed right at the five-mile marker gave me the opportunity to stop long enough to pull off my shoe and release the small, pea-sized stone that crept inside. Go ahead and stretch those legs, princess, it's time to head back. And I did, and made the 10 mile run my head-voice kept telling me I couldn't. Such a liar.

But then, I didn't exactly tell the truth with my very first sentence. My longest distance this year was yesterday with just over 10 miles. It's a good amount for me but I know it won't be my longest distance for very long. I've got plans in place and if I need to make minor adjustments here or there, I know for certain more miles are going to happen. There is a lot to be said for resolve and persistence, for stubborn tenacity. There's a lot to be said about knowing when you can go ahead and get it done instead of letting the insignificant murmurings get in the way. Sometimes, I can't trust that voice in my head. Too many times it's just fibbing.
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Obviously

No. I didn't fall off the face of the earth. Obviously.

I haven't fallen ON the face of the earth either, which is a good thing. I only did that extensively when I bought the wrong running shoes. I swear it was the shoes. I fell four, maybe even five times, while running from the time I bought that particular pair until I finally gave them up and went back to a more reliable shoe. I should have never purchased that pair no matter how they were designed to help me run faster by having a forward toe touch. It's pretty hard to keep a faster pace when you're kissing dirt. I don't think I've fallen since. It was the shoes.

Lately, I have been very consistent with my running. In the past three months, I've managed 73 miles, 83 miles and 89 miles. My total for the year is already more than I ran the entire last year by 76 miles. It breaks down something like: 112 runs, 10:34 average pace, over 82 hours and 41,847 calories. Those things are all good to know but it could all fall apart tomorrow if I don't keep up the consistency. So far, so good.

So, no. I haven't taken a spill ON earth or fallen off the planet. I know a few old friends that would argue that point, but hey, I'm still here. Maybe they fell off.
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