What's it about

I've been writing this morning.  Mostly I've been writing the same things over and then over again.  It can get easy to be stuck in a creative stand-still at times.  It's easy to get stuck.  It's not so easy to figure out why you are stuck especially when you think what you are putting down is what you thought you wanted.  It started out early this morning.
I woke feeling especially good.  I could hear the quiet sounds from outdoors filter in while it was still dark and everyone slept.  It set a wonderful backdrop for the tranquil mood and quiet delight that was brought to the early morning.  But after a while, even with my wonderful setting and surroundings, I realized I wasn't telling much of a story with what I was writing.  What good was a lot of flowerly words and  bountiful description if it didn't do more?  Great practice, I thought, maybe.  I certainly could always fall back on that way of thinking.
But I knew it wasn't ringing true - what I had been writing.  It was vague and misdirected.  It wasn't bad, horrible, it just didn't really say anything.  I was at a pause.  So I went back and tried again and it was a little better but not.  So again.  And then again.
There was a lot of repetition going on and the morning brightened up and I kept thinking I should go for a run.  Retreat.  Wave the white flag on the difficult creative stand-still and go do something I knew I could do and feel good about.  Give up on the hard to deal with and lean toward the familiar routine.       
And that is when the barrier dropped.  It fell away and the words went beyond pretty description and said something.  My stubborn nature and the especially good feeling I woke up with finally gave way to some progress.  I was feeling good about writing. It was as good a feeling as some runs even if that might seem like hard things to compare. There was no need to abandon the repetitive work I had been doing because it was finally breaking through.  The sheer idea of remembering what it is all about was making the difference.  It is about the personal challenge.  It's about pushing through when you want to give up.  It's about reminding yourself how much you actually enjoy doing it.  If it wasn't for that, then why?
The writing still needs some work.  It's not always easy to get unstuck.  But it helps to remember what it really is all about.  It's about the enjoyment that can come out of the doing.
TT

Weekend

I'm really glad it's the end of the week.  I can't say it flew by and it didn't really seem longer than it was the way it seems at times.  It was a regularly paced week and I'm glad it's over.  Now it's time for me to do what I want on my own schedule.  I seem to look forward to that more and more.  I'm getting greedy about my free time. 
How could anyone blame me?  Is it bad to be greedy about that?  Doesn't everyone wish they had more of it?  Doesn't everyone want that free time where they get to make their own schedule and do things when they want to do them?
So right now, I'm feeling greedy but I'm feeling good.  It's the end of the week!
TT

One-liners about places

Jay had a friend that sent him an email with  funny one-liners about places to go.  Jay thought it was amusing and printed it so I could see it too.  It's much the same way that Jay will find a humorous cartoon in the paper and cut it out and put on the fridge door for me to see.  This email did have some funny lines and for some reason we kept the printed email to glance at to get a chuckle over every now and then.  Then Jay had mentioned about two months ago that this friend was having some back problems. 
Jay gets to meet some interesting people at his shop.  This man was an established illusionist.  He had a fairly large production with mostly stage magic.  He did the big stuff.  He had been doing it for many years.  Before that, somewhere from the late 70's thru the mid 80's, he was the Master of Ceremonies for the traveling Austrian Lipizzaner Stallions.  If you remember them, they were those majestic white horses that would perform.  I remember them and it must have been thrilling to have toured center stage with such a production for so many years as this friend had.
It turned out it wasn't back problems he was having.  It was an advanced and aggressive cancer that didn't leave the doctors time to do anything about.  He was gone within that short time span.  I never actually met him.  I only know he must have been an interesting person and left me with some funny one-liners that I can still appreciate.  I wish I had written them myself but I didn't.  At the end of the original email he had the name (Bubba B. Johnson III) in parathesis so he might have been giving him author credits but I can't be sure.  Anyway,  I thought I would share them just the same...for the Master of Ceremonies and the Stage Illusionist.

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.  Apparently, you can't go alone.  You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito.  I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane.  They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there.  I have made serveral trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt.  That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense!  It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart!  At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in.  It's an age thing.

This professional entertainer, even in his everyday, knew the importance of leaving everyone with a smile.
TT

Gym time

Well, well.  I am dressed and ready for work but I DID get out of the house this morning and went to the gym.  I was able to get a quick 30 minute run on the treadmill and although it felt like it was longer than 30 minutes it worked out just fine.  I was back home by 6:08 with plenty of time.
I also covered my bases with Jay.  I mentioned the possibility of me heading out to the gym in the early, wee hours of the morning and he agreed that wasn't a problem.  He thoroughly dislikes my running outdoors at those hours but he was okay with the gym.  He said so.  I am not sure he even knows I went there this morning.  But no matter.
I couldn't get my nikeplus droid phone application to work...or I got impatient with it and just went with my run and numbers of the treadmill.  I manually entered them into the runkeeper.com application (on my phone, too) which is the one with the outside GPS system but it also gives you the capability to manually enter workouts.  It has all my June runs since my iPod crashed and my nikeplus couldn't sync and I can't manually enter there.  But - my new iPod is tracking from China...was in Hong Kong yesterday and still on time to be delivered to me tomorrow. 
So...well, well.  I need to scoot.
TT 

More gadgets

I woke up this morning considering if I should go to the gym.  The clock said 4:44am.  I was awake.  I could get myself there in no time, put in at least a 30 minute workout, and have time to come back and get ready for work.  The more I thought about it the less I knew I would do it.  I have these passing thoughts about sneaking out of the house at that hour when it's still dark and then getting home and Jay telling me I have some 'splaining to do.  He never actually said that but sometimes I think he is thinking it.  So I talked myself out of it this morning and will get out there this afternoon after work.  I think we're scheduled for a high of 104 this afternoon which isn't much more than it was yesterday.  (Yes - I ate lunch outside as usual).
I need to check out my new nike+ appl for droid!  Selma sent me an email that announced that nike/apple FINALLY decided to offer the phone application not just for iPhones but for Android, too - for free. I have already downloaded it and tried it out by walking around the house.  Then, I am expecting my new iPod nano 6th generation to arrive Thursday afternoon and then I can use either/or and both will still load my stats to my nike site that I have been using over the past two years.  Well, except for anything since 6/4 when my iPod 5th generation finally was drowned in sweat and couldn't be revived even with the magic rice bag.
So I've lost some stats for this month.  I'm way behind anyway for June as far as miles.  I calculated I was only at 59 miles this month compared to the 100 miles I've had for each of the past two.  Now I can keep them all straight again starting in July although I don't expect...
I expect I'll get myself to the gym this afternoon and get in at least a 30 minute workout.  I'll get it done without having any 'splaining to do...except to myself if I don't.
TT

A little more

I am not big on quotes or memorable references that are scattered here and there.  I think the impact of what is trying to be said is lost when used alone and not put into the context of what was originally trying to be said.  I think that I find most don't fair well standing alone and I want to know more about why they are being used.  Maybe it's just my curious nature or maybe I'm just too opinionated.  What can I do? 
I DID see one yesterday that was interesting.  It might have been that finally that small percentage of right quote to correct state of mind was centered but this was what it said:  "A lot of good work is lost for the lack of a little more."

Now THAT made me pause.  The funny part about this is that I HAD read all of the rest of the context and it really didn't apply to the way I took the quote.  So maybe that blows my theory of having to need all the context to get what a quote is truly trying to get across but I never said my opinions can't change.  Sure, ask me again tomorrow. 
But, seriously, think about it.  A lot of good work is lost for the lack of a little more.  It could apply to so many things and for me - well - timing, with my struggle with my fiction it read well for me.
I've never been afraid of work.  I am very much the roll up your sleeves, hit the ground running, and what are you waiting for, kind of person.  For most things.  But I haven't been for finishing that first draft of my fiction project.  And I admit I'm fearful about it.  I keep thinking that it will be just awful after all the work.  But since I have no real idea if that is true or not, wouldn't it be just as likely that I could lose some good work for the lack of finishing it off?  So, as easily as it is to look at what might be reasons to quit there are reasons to keep going.  Am I afraid of the work?  I don't think so.  And, gee, surprise.  I didn't talk and hash it out with anyone but figured it out on my own.  Imagine that.
Better yet.  Let me imagine myself rolling up my sleeves and hitting the ground running again.  I've been struggling to get myself on track for a while now and maybe reading that one quote at the right time may have finally triggered a point on the positive side to keep going. 
Nobody is going to be able to tell me I just couldn't get the work done.  Especially if it's just a little more. 
TT

Who's fault

What a lazy Sunday morning.  I'm going to blame it on Sunday since it couldn't, no way, be me that's lazy. It has to be this day.  It must be Sunday's fault that I can't organize the things that I should try to get done today and don't even want to try to think about them.  It must be Sunday's fault that I haven't pulled on my running shoes and headed out for a run before the temps soar up to the high heavens. It must be the fault of the day that I've already spent so much idle time gazing out the window, leaning back in my chair, coffee mug in both hands and legs tucked up underneath me.  What a lazy morning.
It can't be me. 
TT

Pretending to distract myself

I am waiting on laundry but really I'm going through my fiction that I've been writing that nobody has ever read a word of.  I took a quick break because I seem to want to distract myself from that situation after so many minutes.  I get nervous with myself because I have to stop telling myself I don't know what I'm doing or how to do it.  What a bore I can be.  So I'm taking a quick break, reloading the washer, putting things in the dryer and instead of sitting at my worktable where my notes and papers are strewn, I go to my desk with my laptop on the other side of the room.  But I don't sit and pull down my everyday posts to read.  No.  I go to my favorites tab and read my last two installments of my Rules of Writing - specifically #5 and #6.  I just read through them.  I figured I was going to go all critical on myself but it didn't so much turn out that way. 
The whole idea when I started writing the Rules of Writing pieces was that I was creating an office I could go to in order to get the answers I needed in order to write.  I wanted to know what the rules were so I made a place to go get them.  It was pure fiction and I had fun when I wrote them.  I didn't think I would have as much fun re-reading them this afternoon as I did and I fooled myself.  Smarty.  Doesn't always turn out like you think.  I was surprised when I read the beginning of #5 and thought I had done a fairly good job of capturing those instances of awkwardness while waiting on the receptionist and then again meeting with Josh instead of Erik.  I was surprised by #6 because my tone was stronger/more confident even when Josh poked back at me by asking, "And how has that worked out for you?"  Squirm.  But seeing it from a writers view it did seem to be written a little stronger, a little better, not that bad.  Maybe. Who knows.
I guess it's a good thing to re-read a thing or two I've written every so often.  It's probably a good thing to write a thing or two that nobody has ever read a little more often.  Like now.  I need to fold some clothes and then go back to my worktable instead of my desk.  Distraction time is over.
TT

A moment here

It's 10:09am and I've already had a 6 mile run, showered and had breakfast, and finished a book.  Now, that is the way a day should go.  I mulled over a few ideas and decided I need to get some groceries to avoid any crowds that will gather later in the day and then come back and start some laundry, do some vacuuming, clean the kitchen.  I'm only stopping a moment here to...hmmm...not sure why I stopped here.
TT

25 minutes of smattering

I'm in one of those spots where I've been sitting here for the last 25 minutes writing a smattering of words only to backspace over them to erase them all. 
Some days that would be considered a good move.
TT

Simple

Gulp down a cup of coffee and get another day punched on the card.  That's all this week seems to have amounted to.  No big things accomplished, no plans for better, and a general feeling of it all going so fast and so slow all at the same time.  If it was a recipe for food it wouldn't be one you would want to make and eat again and yet it's simple and easy and routine.  So you may go back to some variation of it just because it's familiar.
And that will be okay for a while. 
TT

Don't be

Sometimes everyone needs a little resolve.  Sometimes, it seems, comes more often to me than others.  I just don't realize I need it until the wheels fall off.  And then I fret and whine since I don't want to think I let it get to that point.  But I do.
At the very end of February I decided I wasn't getting enough running in and I was over my comfortable weight.  I needed to lose 4-6 pounds and I wanted to up my running to 5 days a week.  I hit those two ideas with full force.  No looking back, no taking prisoners, just full-on get it done mode for me.  I searched and found free tools and used them to the maximum possibilities for my results.  I logged every bite of food, every glass of water, and commiserated with others for a full 15 weeks.  I lost at least 6 pounds or maybe 4 because at the same time I was racking miles up like there was no tomorrow.  I managed over 100 miles each month for two months and 52 in the first two weeks of June.  The difference in the two pounds of weight might be an increase of muscle replacing fat because of the miles.  I was stronger, leaner and happier until my routine needed to change again. 
I love my hot weather but 95 degrees after I get out of work is a tad too much to get any decent miles run.  I haven't been able to get out there as often.  I'm also tired of logging every bite of food.  I've gotten to that point where the routine is changing again and I'm at a loss of what to do next since I was in such a swing of things from before. 
Since I felt good about the first two things I could only start kicking myself about another.  What else?  Writing, of course.  I hadn't been doing that and it seems to be the very last thing I try to do when I'm thinking of all the things I should be doing.  I leave it for last because I'm so afraid of it.  Yeah.  I figured out I'm scared.  Simply.  Scared.  I can search for tools on nutrition and training all on my own and do those things quite well but I'm totally intimidated with doing those same things for writing.  You are not supposed to be a self-taught writer.  You go to school for that.  You talk to other writers, join groups for writing, commiserate and communicate.  But I do all these things on my own and then I scare myself.  At least with writing.
I'm not scared of the other things so why this?  And I can't be scared all the time or I wouldn't have written over 65,000 words already.  So maybe realizing it's only a fear, I can get past it.  I must not be that scared because I keep going back to it.
Sometimes I need a little resolve and this being scared is one thing I don't need to be.
TT

Let it slide

This month of June is going to dwindle down to nothing...well, it will dwindle itself right into July...but it seems I can almost chalk up June as being gone.  This sixth month of the year will be over soon and that means another half of a year is going with it.  I look at my calendar and it seems so nicely stagnant and still but when I look at it again it seems the days have all jumped forward, tumbled over themselves, and the pages have turned.  I'm not sure if it's a good thing or not to have it seem so.  Do I need to look back and recollect all the things I did in that space of time?  Or do I need to think ahead on what can be done looking ahead?
Maybe I shouldn't get to thinking too much about any of it.  I could find myself buried in the details if I allow my mind to wander.  I will be thinking about the important things and then become consumed with whether the first day of the week is Sunday rather than Monday.  Well?
So before this month completely gets away from me...or what the heck?  What if it does?  What if the entire rest of this month became a wash and nothing happened of any importance that was prompted by me?  Would that make the month any better or worse?  Would it really matter if I didn't do anything that was thought out or analyzed to the nth degree?  I think I'm going to give myself a break and not think so hard.  I mean, this month is dwindling fast and I could easily get caught up in the hurry up.  I think I would rather let it slide and take it up again in July.
TT

Father's Day at Sonny's

We celebrated Father's Day at Sonny and Selma's house and he did all the cooking.  We ate in courses with time in-between and although he had to change his entire menu last minute he did more than a fine job for the entire meal! 

Marinated grilled sirloin
 with asparagus and artichoke hearts.

His original plan was to slow cook a pig's head.  Yes.  He was going to try to take it on and had ordered the special cut of meat.  Unfortunately, when he arrived the day before to pick it up from the butcher they hemmed and hawed and tried to tell him that they didn't receive it and/or it had been delivered to another store.  He was upset.  He was there to shop for the entire menu that revolved around that specific cut.  He admitted it took him a while to recover from the blow.  He froze up as far as ideas for changing the menu.  He had it all figured out but then he didn't.  He did fine.  He brought it all together in a fantastic meal. 

I forgot to take the picture
 before I was almost finished eating!
Pork roast red sauce with pasta!

I made dessert but I cheated.  I made chocolate pudding
 in graham cracker mini-crusts topped with fresh raspberries.

What a fun day with lot's of good company and great food...what better way to spend it than with your boys and their boys.
Happy Fathers Day!
TT

Not here!

Good morning, Saturday.  I've barely finished my first cup of coffee and the entire pot downstairs is calling my name.  I have to run down there now and refresh my favorite brown mug.  It seems late and I am not ready to go out and run.  I haven't had a run since last Sunday and I've skipped going out to the Haven this morning.  It's going to be a do whatever day.  Nothing in particular planned or lined up and that might be best.
I had a late night with Mr. L.  Sonny brought him over and I could tell from the look on his little face when he arrived he wasn't happy.  I could see he wasn't pleased when Sonny left.  Jay tried his usual funny antics and I could tell the child wasn't going for all the ridiculously overwhelming sounds and gestures a man that old should ever display even for a grandchild.  Mr. L looked panic-stricken.  I could hear the thoughts going through his head.  Not here!   Not these people again!  Where's my Dad?!  He was here a minute ago.  Where did he go?  The one that calls me stinky.  I think that's my middle name, Mr. L Stinky.  He didn't leave me here with these two old people, did he?  No!
At about that time Jay had exhausted his book of baby tricks and Mr. L's face scrunched up like a prune and he started to wail.  That is when Jay handed the 6 month old boy to me.  I took him and we went outside and sat on the deck.  We like it outside.  Both of us.  And he was happier and quiet and wanted to see what was there.  So we stayed out for a while until Jay insisted we come back inside since he was sure we were both getting eaten by mosquitos.  We weren't.  Jay gets eaten by mosquitos and I know they are there but they don't come around me as much but we went inside just the same.  We sat at the kitchen table and played invisible keyboards on the edge mixed with a bit of percussion.  The jam session was short-lived.  The musician was tired and the wailing started again with more force.  I made a bottle but he wasn't having it so I took him to the bedroom as I sat up in bed, placed him facing me on my lap supported by my legs against his back and swayed my knees back and forth.  It wasn't long before he was fast asleep.  I put him down and kept an eye on him.
He was still sleeping when his Dad picked him up except that right before he arrived Mr L kept smiling in his sleep.  A grin here, a smile there, a dimple showing and then he would fall fast asleep again.  It had been a long week.  He hadn't planned on going out on a Friday night.
So, it's time for me to have another cup of coffee.  It has been a long week and I overslept a bit.  It's a do whatever day for me and that might be best.
TT

Featured

I'm beginning to wonder if the only reason I keep posting here so often is because I can't bear the thought of whatever I last published is so bad and wrong that I need to not leave it at the top of the stack.  I think I am harboring a slight hope that the next one will be a little better than the last and that last one will get pushed down and away.  It shouldn't be at the featured top.  But, of course, with that type of thinking then I have to keep putting a new one on top of the stack because then that one becomes the bad and wrong one that needs to get pushed down.  It could (it has, I think) turned into a never ending cycle of, well, bad and wrong stacked up.  It could be viewed that way.  I know I have viewed it that way.
Then I go and do it anyway.  Bad or wrong all stacked up turns into one that might be okay or even good every once in a while.  Then that okay and good is at the featured top.  And if only I could tell the difference so I could leave it there for a while.  Featured.  At the top.  But then I re-read it and see it might not be all that okay and good and need to bump it down.
I don't know what I've been thinking lately. 
TT
 

Go back

In my rush to get to work yesterday morning after I realized I didn't have a book to read I quickly picked one and downloaded it.  I had left myself little time and checking my wish list on my Nook only left me with options of books to pre-order and nothing available at that instant.  I needed something right at that moment, not weeks in advance.  Now what?  Time was ticking and if I didn't download before I left I wouldn't have an Internet connection later.  (I hadn't remembered I could have done it on my phone in a pinch).
So what to do?  Then I realized I had my website... goodreads.com ...where I had entered over 300 books I have read and it would compile recommendations for me based on those books!  That's right..that is why I did it in the first place!
So I hurriedly went to the site and clicked the recommendation tab.  The first book suggested was a murder case with main characters being an attractive reporter lady and a handsome, single Senator.  The recommendation was based off of some of the JD Robb books I had read but I wasn't sure about it.  Should I check for another?  Time was ticking.  The author was Pamela Clare.  I've never read her, didn't know about her, but it was interesting that she was using two first names.  I've known a few Pamela's but never a Clare, and never a Clare with that spelling.  The thing is I have a friend that knows a Clare with that spelling and she had actually come up a few days before - the friends' Clare, not the author.  I took the name as a good sign and I downloaded the book. 
I started reading it at lunch that day and it had a fairly simple beginning and my mind wandered off to my own writing.  I seem to be thinking a lot lately about my own writing struggles and how it seems to be from my decline in motivation, much in the same way, months ago, I had been feeling about my running.  But why and what am I missing in order to find it again?  Like my running, I know my writing is something I enjoy.  I look forward to the challenge and know it can be hard work.  I've built some kind of foundation with it and I should be building it up and yet, much the same way as my running those months past, I've lost something.  What?  What did I miss?  What parts where making it hard for me?  Or what was I making hard for myself?
Instead of seeing the words on the page that I should have been reading I was thinking about writing.  The beginning of this book I was attempting to read started with details about the main characters.  It set the scene but mostly started out with description and information about the characters.  I guess since I have my writing in such a forefront of my thoughts I was using the book I was trying to read as a tool or resource for what I should be doing.  That is when my mind wandered off and I thought about how I miss building my characters when I write.  I might have driven the story and plot so hard that I was losing what I liked about what I was doing.  I was so close to completing it that instead of enjoying what I was doing I was pushing too hard only to finish.  Had I overtrained? 
I'm not sure but when it comes to writing I never am.  It might sound good but I don't know.  It might be just another excuse.  There has to be more to it than that but I don't think I'll figure it all out in this instance.  But I am thinking about it and I might have to take another unprecedented approach to get back to it.  I think I might want to go back to the beginning and work on my characters - fill them out a bit more - instead of continuing where I left off.  But I know that isn't recommended since everyone says to just keep writing until you finish and then go back.  One thing I know is, that like my running, I miss my writing too much to not go back.  Just how?
TT

Balance

I had to go to the dentist but then we got a good rain last night.  I guess it's all about balance.  Actually, the dentist wasn't as bad as I thought it might be.  I was expecting him to tell me that nothing had improved after my $400 appoint three months ago and that I would need to go to the specialist and if that happened I knew it would be another $3-$5000 dental bill.  I need a break here!  I've been trying to pay-off every debt I have and things keep coming up.  But this one didn't.  I caught a break. 
The view they said they saw from inside my mouth this time was an improvement so I was free to go for another three months only leaving $86.00 lighter.  I say that's a reasonable compromise.  Sure.  I go through the anxiety of having to think I'm going to a specialist and pay thousands of dollars but instead sit uncomfortably in a chair while metal tools are used to scrape and prod and make me white knuckle the arms of that chair and I get to pay $86.00 and then do it again in three months.  What fun!
But it was better than a poke in the eye?  For free?  Not much better but thank goodness for small favors?
But then later while I was finishing a book at home it started to rain.  I wasn't sure and couldn't tell from my bedroom windom except I noticed the wind had picked up and the tree branches were swirling.  I tried to stick with the book but I kept an eye out the window.  Then I heard it come down.  The rain.
And then everything was in balance again.
TT
Now I realized that the 7th book in my Garrett series isn't available online for download either!  I searched for Deadly Quicksilver Lies and it looks like I will have to find a paperback copy...so for now I'm reading...I don't know, yet!  I need to download a filler book or I won't have anything to keep me company at lunch time today or later tonight!

Again

I went into work yesterday after a week of vacation and found out they had adopted the jeans day as an approved way of dressing everyday.  It is now perfectly okay to wear your denim everyday of the week at work instead of just on Fridays.  I'm not sure I'm especially thrilled about the idea but it had me thinking about my next shopping trip.

Then my mind wandered away.  Not then, but right now.  I left this page and went in search of my story documents.  I took the long way to find them by checking two other sites first.  I piddled around on those sites for a few minutes each knowing I was just stalling.  When I finally got myself to really look for what I wanted I found I had moved the location of where I had it stored.  It took a few more minutes to stop and find it and then put it back in it's proper place.  Okay, it didn't take long at all but that one instantaneous moment of panic when I realized it wasn't where it was supposed to be made it seem so. 
I don't know what is holding me back on working on this more consistently than anything else I do.  I can't seem to figure out why I've been able to get so many other things done except that my writing part always gets left behind.  That horrible voice I hear is hammering away at me saying it's the fear factor.  It's that, you can't do this, why try, voice.  It's that voice that says, you have no motivation to do this so give it up.  It's so persistent and it has worked a number on me for so long.  And if that is all true, why do I feel myself wanting to go back and do more?  Why do I search for documents I haven't opened to re-read the last few bits and want to immediately add to it?  Why does the thought to even open the documents still go through my head?  If I were done with working on it...I'd be done.
So something has got to give.  Again.  Maybe I should have a stare down with that fear factor.  I've managed it with running.  How many Saturdays do I go out to do 8 miles and push myself to do 10 instead.  Maybe I'm not quite that far along with the writing.  Maybe it's more getting myself there to run at all instead of how far I will go.  Again.
I know I'm going to do something.  I have to keep focused on the doing and not think so much about everything else.  If there was only some way to block that horrible voice.
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Better

It's still dark out, just a little after 6:00am.  A scene I have played many times.  The room is dark except for the dim light from a single long-necked desk lamp illuminating a portion of the small desk it sits on.  There is only the slightest sounds of one or two passing cars outside the upstairs windows and the muted noise of fingerpads running across a non-musical keyboard.  It's a typical Monday morning and how quickly things can go back to the normal created through years of doing the same routine.  I've done all the things I usually do.  I have things in place the way I usually would.  There is only a fleeting feeling of the way things were just a week ago when I was on vacation but it's almost gone.  Buried under the regular ordinary.  How quickly that ordinary was able to move into place. 
The good thing is I haven't lost all of how the way things were last week.  It may be fleeting on the surface but it has sunk deeper.  I'll need to rearrange schedules again.  It won't be the pick up and do what I want, when I want, that was so nice last week.  I had a screaming feeling to rise up and run this morning and had to tamp that down.  I'm sure there will be others things that will need to be tempered and patience and planning might be the only course of action.  But it isn't an impossible task and it isn't like I haven't played this scene before.  Many times. 
It's only better now since I had that time.
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Vacation reflection

Today is my very last day of vacation.  I'll have to go back to the regular routine again tomorrow.  I'll go back to my Monday through Friday work-week with lot's to do.  I'm not really looking forward to it.  This time off worked out too well for me this time.
You would think I had lots of exciting things to do this past week and in my way I did.  I had time to for anything and I did the things I wanted to do.  I spent a lot of time alone, at home, so I got many things done there that I have wanted to get done.  It's easy to let things slide when you are too preoccupied or just plain too tired to get them done much less notice they need to get done.  I had time and I noticed and now I'm noticing how much better it all feels.  I had time to read.  I had time to run.  I had time for it all or nothing and some days that is what I did.  It might be hard for me to fit myself back in to the regular routine after finding my way through this bigger, better idea of not having to report.  And yet I did a very good job of reporting since I've been off this week.  I don't mean reporting to work or even checking in a single time but reporting to myself and what I needed to do.  There is a big difference.  I found the worrying slide away.  It shluffed itself off piece by piece as I sweat it out during my morning runs.  Pressures eased away when I took the time to admire a clean tile floor.  It was the calming effect of being able to watch a behind the scenes runway show because it would serve as research for my fiction and getting excited about it.  It gave me this idea or that.  All those same things happen when I'm in my normal routine but there is a difference.  They get muddled and sometimes lost with so much else going on that the work seems to have a higher importance or at least a higher priority.  It shouldn't but sometimes it does. 
I guess the challenge for me is to figure out the two.  I thought I had been doing a fair job of it but maybe I could do better at managing it all.  Maybe I am too caught up in it all and stepping back and being left to my own devices was more of what I could have wanted and needed.  It certainly seems like a hard thing to give up at this point, the vacation and free time, but that is what makes it all so interesting.  Yes?
So enough for now.  I have all day today to be left to my own devices.  Scary thought, I know and besides I have to run.  Literally.
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Early or late

I just finished off a bowl of cereal after taking a shower.  It seems late for me but don't be thinking I just got up.  No.  This is the fourth Saturday in a row that I've gone out for a run at the Haven.  I was up and there a little after 7:00 this morning.  I could have skipped it but I wanted to go.  Why not?  I figured I could run 8 miles and kick-start the day.  Besides, it would be the second time I would get to use this new application I downloaded on my phone that uses GPS.  It's more accurate than the nike+ sensor I have been using and it's really convenient since it automatically sends the data to the website when I save it on the phone.  No sync'ing with iTunes and hoping it doesn't lose the run stats.  My nano is still dead with no recovery in sight so I don't have another option.  This new appl also has better stats along with being more accurate about how far I've gone.  It shows the route I've run on a map, it has the elevation (826 today)!, it shows my mile pace and splits for each and it can be used for other activities, too, like walking, cycling...as long as it can pick up the GPS signal.
So, how could I not be excited about using that?  Well,  it really was more about the run and again 8 miles turned into 10 by my going out the extra mile before heading back.  And it was a slow pace back.  I probably should have kept it at 8 miles today but, oh well, I did the 10 even if it was slow.  It was about the distance today and the speed will have to work itself out.
If you are keeping track (I am) it's 37 miles for the month so far.  I am going for another 100 miles this month to match the past two.  I'll see how it goes.  So far, it's going well.
It really seems late for me.  Or early.  Now I'm not sure.  I'm already getting hungry for lunch!
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Options

I accomplished quite a bit yesterday.  I got the major portion of cleaning done and the house feels so much better to walk around in.  It's nice to have enough time to go through and get it all done instead of having to break it out into separate chores at different times in order to make it fit into an already too packed day.  This extra time is something else.  I have certainly been able to make it work this time around.
Before I started all the housekeeping yesterday I went out in the neighborhood for a run.  I didn't even put a load of laundry in to wash while I was gone.  I figured I had time to do it afterward and I did.  That sure is a nice thing about having all day.  It was also a nice thing to run my regular route in my neighborhood.  The amazing thing recently is I haven't fallen once since I bought my new running shoes.  I knew something was up with that other pair.  I bought the first pair - the ones that had me stumbling at every corner - on 3/3/12.  I know because I saved my receipts so I could calculate how many miles I've put on them so I would know when I needed a new pair.  So on 3/3/12 I bought the new stumbler shoes.  I replaced them with the ones I have now on 5/11/12.  During that short time frame I fell at least 4 times (maybe 5) with those older shoes!  I was so banged up, scraped, and bruised - including a busted lip - from those shoes than no one should be so abused in that short period of time.  Not a single incident has happened since I replaced them on 5/11/12.  Good for me.  Good for my torn palms, bloody knees, and punctured pride.  It's always mortifying to feel yourself going down and not being able to stop it especially when there are carloads of people watching you fall.  But that hasn't happened in a while and it's a very good thing.  What did happen was that right after mile three yesterday my iPod nano went completely dead.  It just stopped working.  I had soaked it through (again).  It had absorbed so much moisture this time I don't know if the rice bag trick will revive it this time around like it did before.  It hasn't worked so far and it's been brewing there overnight since yesterday morning.
So I downloaded a GPS based run meter on my phone and I will use it for now until I figure out what to do.  It will have to work for now and I'll track it on another site for a while.  And I have to laugh because it seems my timing is unbelievable.  Nike+ had just launched their new improved, faster, friendlier site to use.  Not all portions are available yet but just from yesterday it was looking sleeker and was much faster than before.  Ah well. 
So I'm looking forward to another free day.  I'll get my run done early and see what else I can do.  Sure is nice to have the options.
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No lists

I just got my desk put back together here upstairs.  I have a few stray cords to roll up and stow but I've been able to get things in operating condition.  I'm up and running.
We arrived back home from paradise yesterday afternoon.  Thank goodness the drive back was uneventful.  We arrived in the same car we went in and if you think that an odd thing to say, well, it isn't.  The last time we drove there we weren't able to drive back in the same vehicle so I am glad that stretch of the road was quiet and uneventful this time around.  The rest of the afternoon was spent on getting a new business account open for Jay since the account he has been using is loaded with fees.  This new one isn't.  I know...can't seem to help but work while on vacation but there was time and it made sense.  Besides, I have the entire rest of the week free and clear.
I am going to try to stay with a take it as it comes attitude.  If I don't feel like it, I won't do it as far as planning things to do.  I've got a feeling I will be feeling like getting the house in order as my first priority.  We've had all these wonderful renovations done to the house and it is sorely in need of some good old regular elbow-grease cleaning.  I don't have any specific list but I need to get started.  Oh, all right, maybe I do have a list...it just isn't written down!  So I don't think it counts and I won't rattle it off for you as it goes through my head.
The idea is mainly to get my environment to a comfortable level so I can occupy it for the extended time I will be spending in it the rest of this week.  It's hard to relax when I see things everywhere that need to be taken care of and the lingering feeling that I will feel so much better once they are done is too overpowering to ignore.  So why not get that done first and enjoy the rest?  It makes perfect sense.
So first I'll put in a load of laundry and while that is going...Oh! sorry...no lists.  But I think I will get started.
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Greeting

There is something that is quite nice about hearing someone say, "Good Morning, Sunshine!", when they mean it. It's a nice thing to hear. It would probably mean even more if they realized that it is something I truly love to experience.
I am a die-hard morning person. I get up early and start going. It doesn't matter if I am working or on vacation. There is something about that early time in the mornings that makes me want to dive in and get things started.
This morning was no different. Well, yes, let me retract. This morning was no different in that I was up and ready to get things started. The difference was that I was truly greeted by this fabulous sun. It was rising up out of the water and filling the sky. If anything could get me going in a better way I wouldn't know what that could be. It was the pinnacle of all Good Morning, Sunshine's!
Think about it. You're up, ready to rock a few miles, step out of your motel room and bam! There it is. That glorious orb of melted butter dripping down over the water and spilling across the road. What a sight. What a greeting. What a day!


People think I exaggerate when I talk about this place, my own personal paradise. I don't. Or maybe I do and it's just something that I appreciate in a way that others might not. Would it make any difference to anyone else to have the opportunity to run down this narrow road, following it's curve to the left, and then all the way down to the distant right? With all of the water and sky by your side the entire way? Maybe not. But it doesn't matter except to me. It matters to me to be able to get here and experience this again. It holds more value than I could ever try to explain.
So with my morning salute to the sun and the perfect path to follow I must say I am enjoying my time off.
I have to say that there is no better way to start the day than with a sincere, Good Morning, Sunshine!
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Guess

Guess where I am?  It doesn't matter if you can't guess...I know.
I am in paradise!
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Can you tell it's the same spot as in the great picture I took and keep on the right sidebar?

It is!

No worries

I actually scared myself for an instant when I looked at the clock on my laptop and realized it was time to shut down and leave for work!  But its not and it isn't.  First of all, its Sunday morning so there would be no leaving for work today at all.  Second, I'm taking time off and I don't have to be at work even if it were Monday. 
I'm wondering if that indicates just how much I need to not be going to work and how much good this taking time off really is.  It makes me wonder how hard I have been pushing myself in almost every direction?  I'm wondering if I should be expending any energy wondering.
I say, no worries.  I'm not going to wonder.  I'm giving in to the whatever comes along right now.  After the initial scare and realization of the time on the clock I'm putting it aside.  For me to lose track of the time and day might be the best thing that could happen.  I'm throwing the routines out the window and giving up on the norms.  I wonder what might happen along if I do that?
Now that is something that might be worth wondering about.
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Sneak peek

Starting out:  You see that incline in the distance?
  Don't let it worry you...it's more gradual than you think.

I got a comment on my post, One look, about the scenery at the haven.  Yes.  One major reason I go there to run is because of what I can see with just a turn of my head while I am going down this small two lane street.  This comment had me thinking about sharing more of the sights.
This morning was the third Saturday in a row I have gone out to have a run right there at the haven.  (It's not really called the haven, I just named it that).  After recovering the past three days from the start of a cold, or bug, or whatever lodged in my throat and zapped my energy, I knew I would be taking my run slow and easy.  I ended up running 9 miles but it felt like a healthy detox, ridding myself of the crud I had managed to capture in my throat.  I thought it would be a good opportunity to take it slow, stop long enough to pull out my phone for an instant, and snap what I saw. 

You think you're deep in the wilderness.  No.
Just look over the shoulder of the road.

I had not really thought it completely through before I got there or I would have used my better camera and not my phone.  This at least will give you an idea of what I am surrounded by when I head out and run these long miles.
No wonder I head out here.  No wonder so many runners and bikers have found this spot.  It's just so lovely!

Now go ahead and take a peak without my extra commentary.
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You know it's a haven when the road signs read Share the Road!

Oh wait!  Look, someone just past!

Going, coming back?  Doesn't matter. Isn't this great!

OK.  This is on the way back. 

The start and the finish.
  Everyone starts here and ends here, too.
  Park your car and get going.

Now

Friday evening and the sun is making it's way down.  I've finished that book I was reading.  I have the next one lined up and ready.  I only paused up here long enough to click that finished book over from currently reading to finished.  I added my selection of stars to indicate my rating and wrote up a short review that means absolutely nothing.  Yes.  I have a website that helps me track the books I've read so it can recommend books for me to read.  A website for everything these days.
I've made it through the week.  I have a Saturday morning to look forward to and free time.  That starts now actually.  It is all free time for me starting now.  I'm going to use it as easily as I can.  First by watching the last of the sun as it makes it's way farther down in the sky and then by starting up that new book I've been waiting to read. 
Free time.  Starting now.
TT 

No interruptions

No, no...I don't feel like...wait.  I think I feel a little better.  My throat doesn't seem to be so bad or is it because I have only this one last day to work before, before...
I'm not sure but it's time to get up and finish off this day.  I tried to get as much rest as I could and I am finally on page 337 of a 410 page book.  I will finish that one off today so I will be able to get to what I'm wanting to read.  Garrett, PI has been sitting on my nightstand for a few days now but I had already started this current book before I received it in the mail.  I'm looking forward to finishing the book I'm reading so I can start the one on my nightstand!  But that is how it goes.  Finish one, pick up another, it's a constant cycle of always having a book open or one I am reading.  All the time.  Never any gap or lag time. 
But I need to get this day going.  I didn't leave myself any time this morning.  I guess I'll have to wait until I have the time later.  Like after work, or tomorrow, or the next day, or the next.  I'll have the time then.  Uninterruped by any work schedule.
Finally.
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