Stopped cold

I have been working through the first few chapters of the first draft of my fiction doing some very necessary revisions.  I had hoped when I completed the entire first draft on 8/24/12 that I would be able to speed through the first revision of that draft and have it completed by 10/27/12.  My plan was to touch through each chapter, look for places I could divide chapters that were too long into shorter ones and deepen the story watching for dialogue and characterizations.  It was supposed to be a quick once over.  I knew I would be doing a second and third, fourth revision after that but the idea was to keep moving on it at a quick pace.  It was a good plan at the time until I re-read my entire draft.

Well, my October deadline came and went and I had started but then stopped writing the revisions.  I had to think really hard about whether there was really a story worth continuing to work on or if I should find another way to spend my time.  It didn't help that during the time I was trying to get myself to keep revising that I was told I had become obsessive and how I went on and on about writing and it was the only thing I talked about besides running, or cookies or...
It wasn't meant the way it was said but it stopped me cold.  I stopped it all.  I wouldn't say a word about any of it anymore to anyone and all things surrounding those activities were stopped.  I was a boring, chatterbox of incessant personal obsessions that no one wanted to hear anymore.  The worst part about it was it involved all the things I thought I wanted to do.  Yes, apologies were made and accepted, several times, and the air was cleared but it still left me with a lingering consciousness of not bringing these things up.  Nobody really wanted to talk about it or hear it.  I guess the only reason I figured I could get away with it here is because someone actually has to come here to visit and actually read it or not.  They are not stuck in some boring, obsessive, conversation.  They can always flip off to another site.

But there is a happy ending.  I have gone back and started running and baking and writing again.  I've gone at it at a slower pace and I don't bring up the subjects to anyone.  I feel like the chapters I've revised so far are so much stronger and better than the original first draft.  It takes a wad of your insides to know the first part of what you have done is trash but that you can actually work on it to make it better.  Some encouragement to keep going came from a few moments during that down time that I was getting rid of documents from my hard drive.  I found a copy of a piece I wrote called 600 Words and after re-reading it I realized there were things I wrote very well.  It wasn't about talking it over with anyone but seeing it all on my own.  So I took another hard look and started working again. 

A bit of time has past since that happened and I have a better perspective of it all.  I'm excited again about the chapters I've already revised and am looking forward to hitting the next chapters to fix.  Things happen for a reason and I needed the wake up call to stop and think about how important certain things really are to me.  It turns out they are all very important and worth every bit of time and energy I want to put into them.  And it turns out that is okay and good.

I have another chapter to work on and a 3 mile race on Sunday.  I haven't said a word about either to anyone...except you...unless you've already flipped off to another site.  And that's okay, too.  I have my own reasons for doing these things and will stand up for them if I have to.
But thanks for listening.
TT