Rules of writing

It must be about time for me to write something not so somber. It seems my tone of late has read very monotone. I'm not sure the writing has been bad but, boy, (or girl) lighten up! Is this were I should stick in a funny piece? Should I try to put something here that will make you chuckle or grin? Am I analyzing everything to death again? Yes. Absolutely. Without a doubt. Who made these rules and how do I get a meeting with them so I can ask point blank what they all are and how they were arrived at? I would just like some answers…

I walked down the long corridor. It was so narrow I was almost claustrophobic. I could barely see the doorway at the end and it took me a while to reach it. I finally put my hand on the knob, made a quick twist and pulled the door open. I wasn't expecting the immense space just inside. A small foyer was framed with a high archway leading into the main room. There were several grouped seating areas and floor to ceiling windows covered with rich, cream and red chintz draperies. I was slightly confused by the furniture. It was a hodge-podge of expensive antiques mixed with modern black lacquered pieces and thrift store cast-offs. It was more flamboyant than I was expecting. Without a doubt, the pink feather swing hanging in one corner seemed to be the most misplaced piece in the entire space. I was greeted from...I'm not sure where...by a tall, thin Nordic featured man poking my shoulder. I looked up as I turned to face a startling pair of blue eyes beaming down on me and a pair of lips with an upward lift.
He took my hand and enveloped it between both his and led me to one of the seating areas as he murmured, "Theresa, it is so good to meet you. My name is Erik." He waited for me to sit before seating himself in a large coffee colored leather chair. He crossed his long legs, sat back and with a bent elbow rested his chin and cheekbone against his thumb and index finger.
I fidgeted slightly and finally stated, “I wanted to take a few minutes to talk to you about the rules of writing.”
“The rules of writing,” he repeated, without moving.
“Yes,” I said cautiously.
He nodded slightly and said, “Okay. Go ahead.”
I nervously cleared my throat and said, “Well... I guess I want to know all of them.”
“All of them. There is only one.”
“Only one?” I inquired.
“No? he questioned. Well, then. There are 9 million point 5."
“Nine million five? Are you kidding me? Which is it? That's a big difference.”
“How many do you want?”
“All of them!” I said emphatically.
“There's one.”
“One!”
“Or anywhere from 1 to 9 million five."
“What?! Wait a minute. How can that be?"
“How many do you need?” he asked.
“They’re your rules. I’m just trying to follow them.” I said desperately.
“Then there is only one.”
I slumped back into the chair. “Okay then, I give up. What is the one rule, Erik?”
He leaned forward as if to whisper a secret and said, “Call me Nick.”
“What?”
“My name is Nick.”
I leaned in toward him. “I thought you told me your name was Erik.”
“You didn't like it so you changed it. That was the name you used for me in the first draft.”
“I changed it? The first draft? What are you talking about? Let's get real here.”
“Get real? he said perplexed. This is fiction! I thought you knew that.”
“Well, yes. I, I...but”
“But, nothing. You make the rules.” He threw up his hands and stood up. “You’re the one allowed to change them when you need to if you think it's for the better. They call it editing.” He started taking long strides around the room. “Do you think I came up with this décor? He pointed a finger at me. “You need to do something about your decorating style. Do a little research, for heavens sake!” He paused a moment, looked down and took a cleansing breath. I could see him gather his composure and looking up he turned back to me and said, “The movers will come in to re-arrange as soon as you get a few minutes to decide what stays and what goes.”
“Movers? I said.
He shook his head sadly and as if explaining to a small child he said,“Yes. You have to do something about that swing, don’t you think?”
I glanced over at it. “Well, yes. It doesn’t exactly have a place here does it.”
He only crossed his arms and shook his head.
I got up and was turning to let myself out.
He called out to me and said, “And watch out for those unexpected characters.”
I turned, “What unexpected characters?”
“The one’s that show up when you least expect and turn your plot around.”
I raised an eyebrow. “Okay, I nodded. So, Erik…um Nick. Thank you. But do you think you could tell me the one rule?" I pleaded.
He grinned broadly and said, “You already know.” He shook his head again and spread both hands palms up. “You have to write.”

I keep trying to make it more than that.

TT