Passionate tears

I have been doing more than some hard thinking about my writing. I've known I wanted to get back to a major project that I've had in my head for quite some time. I had to take a break from it but the time seems to be right again. I am so terrified. I have been meandering down this path to get back to this project for a while but my utter fear has stopped me.

I'm not a timid person. I was standing at the printer at work last week when someone came up to me unexpectedly and said, "I know the one word that would describe you." I turned to them with what I know must have been a confused look on my face. There were two hundred different words screeching to a halt, slamming into one another like a 200 hundred car pile up on the highway running through my mind. I first thought about the person telling me this and what they must think, then why would they think about it? This all happening in the course of 1 maybe 2 seconds. They said the word to describe me was edgy. I guess from the look that had been on my face they went on to say it was a good thing. I was edgy in how I dressed, the car I drove, the music I listened to, the way I talked and presented my views. It was a good thing. So I don't think timid would weigh in very heavily for me being so scared. But I am scared and so I proceeded to try to learn more about it to dispel the ignorance and gather some knowledge which would hopefully eliminate some of the fear.

I picked up a book on writing that I have been taking my time reading through. Maybe it was just my dark moods lately, but should you really be brought to tears when there are sections that describe your feelings about writing so blatantly across the page? I'd like to think it's just my passion for something I want so desperately to do that would charge me up so. I'd like to think it was luck that the book I bought would tell me it's exactly okay to do the things I've been doing, that I've been on the right track, just do this now and that, but keep doing it. Keep on doing it. But I can't even say buying this book was luck. I remember going to the bookstore after researching several, my little list in hand. I remember pulling a variety of writing books off the shelves and scanning through and reading parts from many. I finally spotted the one title at the top of my research list high on a shelf I couldn't reach. I looked to the sides of the shelf and saw a young man sitting on a step stool. He must have been watching me because as soon as I looked over at him he got up and brought the stool over. He got on the stool and pulled the book for me as I pointed out the one I wanted to him from below. I am so oblivious sometimes when I'm focused on something. I'm trying to be a writer and should notice these things! But it sometimes backfires on me and I become the attention instead of me blending and being able to watch it.

So, I'm trying.

I hard copied my project and notes I had taken about it. I'm going to just try. I'm going to reread the book I have and go out and get another.
There was a note to myself at the top of my page of notes dated 3/29/08 saying...so I'll will get off my own back! So I'm going forward and will try.

Dang!

TT