Index cards

I am sorting through a mess of index cards. When ideas come to me, I’ve been writing them down so I can go through the cards later when I need an idea. Later has come. I'm going through them now. But they are a mess. These are the ones left over. These are the ones that didn’t get my attention at first and get written up right away. These are the ones I don’t remember as well. So, now I have these random cards left that, well, like I said, are a mess.

Some are very short ideas but I've written over the first parts of sentences, and then tried to show where it should go with arrows. It’s like the idea wasn’t flowing well to begin with so I had to go back and try to clarify it. Reading it now, I still can't make sense of it. Another is completely filled up on both sides but leaves me hanging. I think I should have another card to go with it that continues the idea but I can't seem to match the right index card up with another. Maybe that's all I had time to write down but I keep thinking there was more.

It's giving me this - careful now - fear. I think that's happening because I'm thinking, these are all the ideas I have left? This is it? The only things I have are these incohesive, incomplete, disorganized mess of scribble that even I am having trouble figuring out? This is where I turn on the pressure. What? No decent ideas in the bunch? Is there any idea on these few remaining cards that has a salvageable or close to salvageable idea? It’s making me nervous. I am trying to make myself feel like I’ll never have another idea that’s worth putting down and making something of.

That's where I stop. Break time! Take a breath, pour some coffee, leave the cards for now and shut down the laptop. I know I will come back to the cards and they might possibly make more sense later. They might not make a bit more sense but I will have purged this creepy insecurity and I might even come up with a better idea on a brand new fresh index card. Maybe that’s just wishful thinking. But then I thought I had completely nothing this morning and then…well.

Okay, I still have nothing but then it’s Friday and I’m going to allow myself a small amount of leeway to step back with my coffee cup and try to view the whole. It’s never all that bad with a good cup of coffee and time to just pause. I think I need to do that now and again.

I’m learning.

TT