Getting past

I have been going through my writing notes. Some of them are pertaining to my project and some are just quick, short clips of ideas or dialogue. I have to admit it's made me smile just a bit. Some are not so bad. Of course, they are only quick, short notes and not an entire thought or attached to anything. They might be something I use later or something that never gets used anywhere. But it's good to go through them. I'm still looking for a few I must have somewhere. They weren't in the spot I thought I had left them. Hopefully, I haven't pitched them in the trash unknowingly or on purpose. I have a tendency to pitch stuff. I don't have a lot of tolerance for things sometimes and if I get the notion in my head that it's not worth keeping I'll pitch it, no second thoughts. Sometimes the things I believe are not worth keeping are not the same as other people’s ideas of what's worth keeping. Come on, that's not surprising for you to believe about me, now, is it? This is especially true if the things are mine, or something that I have done that I have deemed inferior. I don't think I've missed anything so far and even if I did...well, its gone now isn't it? So I have managed to get myself organized on getting started again. I'm even looking forward to it. I have to be careful about my level of self criticism. Jay was all over me about that. It rears its ugly little head more often than not and I don't seem to have a real perspective on it when I do it to myself. It really does go beyond. I know it does but I can't seem to lower my own expectations to a normal level. I just don't see it for myself. It becomes totally smeared or like looking thru a greasy, filmed window. It just isn't a clear picture and I get hung up on it until someone drags me away and says, "What’s wrong with you!" But I don't know. I really don't know. I should be better at this or at that.

I guess I am only mentioning my lack of personal perception to remind myself that I will try not to allow it to stop me. I don't quite understand why I can't let some of these things I think about myself go. I need to remember to let myself just go ahead and try. I'm going to push forward and make some progress in something I want to do. It’s something that I am scared and excited about all at the same time. It’s something that I already have started and have notes and ideas about that finally feel like they could possibly come out.

I'm going to allow myself to get past myself if that is at all possible. Maybe I’ll have a body of work by the time I figure out if I can or can’t do that. By then, I’ll already be on my way.

TT