Rules of Writing, 5

"I need to talk to Erik."
The dark haired receptionist glanced up at me from her work. Her eyes were molten brown and it was hard to read the lack of expression on her face. She seemed to be studying me until I realized she was listening to whoever was talking to her through the earpiece she wore. She parted her lips to speak but stopped and paused, listening again. At least that was what I thought. It was an awkward moment of trying to decide if she was talking to me or listening to someone else.
She finally broke the uncomfortable moment when she replied, “Thank you for calling the ROW office.” She touched the side of her earpiece and I saw the glossiness disappear from her eyes when she looked at me now.
“I don’t believe he is in,” she told me.
Erik is not in? What was she saying? Now I was the one with the far-away look in my eyes but I wasn’t listening to anyone else but my inner brain as it bombard me with multiple questions about how to proceed. Unfortunately, the only thing my mouth uttered was, “What?”
She looked at me. Did her eyes widen just a bit? Did her expression change in the least? It was hard to tell. She repeated, “Erik isn’t here this morning.”
“But, he’s always here,” I exclaimed then asked more softly, “Isn’t he?”
The receptionist looked down and moved a paper on her desk. It was hard to tell if she was going to answer me or if she decided I was too insignificant to answer. Maybe if she ignored me I would go away. I wasn’t sure what to do. Do I wait? Should I give her more time? Should I speak up or do I just leave?
I couldn’t leave. Not yet. So I asked, “Will he be here soon?”
“I can let you wait in conference room C,” she said without looking up. “It is the one down the hall toward the windows. You’ll find it on the left.” She had extended her arm and was pointing behind her and then touched her earpiece and said, “ROW office, how may I help you?”
I moved away from her desk and headed in the direction she pointed.
The hallway seemed to lengthen once I stepped foot on it. I could see the windows in the distance but they seemed to get farther away the more I moved toward them. It seemed to me it was going to take a longer time to get there than I thought but I kept moving forward.
I reached the door marked C and opened it to enter. I was startled to see a dark haired man sitting at the table.
“Oh, excuse me,” I said. “I thought this room was free.” I was backing out and pulling the door closed when he stood up.
“No, no. I just ducked in here for a moment. Please make yourself at home,” he said and gathered the papers he had on the table.
I held onto the doorknob but watched as he bent to get his papers. He wore a dark suit and was lean but muscled. I could see the broadness of his back and when he finished and stood up it confirmed my assumption that he was tall. He stood with the papers in front of him looking directly at me. I was frozen at the door until he said, “I’m Josh,” and extended one hand. I released the doorknob and took his hand to shake. “Nice to meet you,” I said.
He held my hand a moment longer and asked, “And you are…” letting it trail off.
I pumped his hand one more time and blurted, “Theresa, um Tintori. I usually talk to Erik when I come here. I was told to wait here.”
There was a playful look that flickered in his tawny eyes as he released my hand. He gave a small grin and said, “He might be a while. You are welcome to wait but maybe I could be of some service this morning.”
The weight of his words slowed my brain function. I was trying to process everything as quickly as possible but it was beginning to be too much information too quickly. Erik not being here. Should I wait? Who is this? Josh. Wants to help? Do I stay and wait. Should I leave and come back later. Do I want to talk to Josh?
“Okay,” I said and went to sit at the table. What did I say? What was I doing? Ssshh, I told myself.
Josh pulled out the chair he had been sitting at before and sat across from me. There was still a grin on his face but it had warmed to the same degree as his eyes. He placed his papers down in a stack and folded his arms on top of the table. He looked across at me and asked, “So what brought you into our office this morning?”
I shrugged, I looked away. I realized this room had windows lining the far wall. I could see a distance out into the clear sky before turning back to answer Josh. “It’s nothing, really,” I said as I shook my head. “I shouldn’t waste your time.”
Josh tilted his head to one side, “You came all the way here. You might as well let me know.”
I paused and looked down at the table. My finger was drawing an imaginary line along the edge. “I was just here to share,” I finally said.
Josh smiled, “What were you going to share?”
I put my hand down in my lap and looked up at Josh. I wondered if I should wait but the look on his face invited me to go on. I finally opened up and explained. “I wrote a short piece recently that was an April fool’s joke. I came up with an idea and wrote it all down trying to make it as believable as I could.”
Josh leaned in, “That sounds interesting.”
“It was. The idea was how I was not going to write my book anymore. I am half way finished with it but I said I had wasted too much time and it wasn’t any good and how I kept struggling with it. I wrote that I was done. No more book.” I went on, “The problem was I didn’t expect how I felt after I wrote the piece.”
“How did you feel?” questioned Josh.
“I was really sad.” I didn’t expect what happened next. The moment I admitted that to Josh my eyes welled up with tears. I frowned and looked down and then away at the windows again. I tried to blink and sniff the tears away but the tightness in my chest was making it hard to hold back. I felt a brush on my wrist and when I looked down I saw a white starched handkerchief. I took it and dabbed the moisture that had fallen from my eyes and cleared my throat. I looked down at my hands and the wet handkerchief. “I’m sorry about that. I didn’t think it would happen again.”
“Again?”
“Yeah. I got this way when I read back what I had written about stopping. The joke,” I lifted my hand holding the handkerchief in the air and let it drop.
“You didn’t expect it.”
“No,” I said turning to him. “I knew I had struggled with the writing. I have had countless thoughts that I have wasted time on something that will never be anything. I would be embarrassed to answer anyone who asked me how long I’ve spent on it already and still not be finished.”
“And yet.”
“And yet, I learned this isn’t easy and it really takes work. It isn’t the fantasy that I am going to be inspired and write and hole myself away for hours and days and know exactly how everything will fall perfectly into place as I go. I don’t seem to work that way. I had to battle myself the first half of this draft with all of these personal insecurities and now that I have…well, now that I have done this I couldn’t stand the thought of stopping. It didn’t matter the quality or my preconceptions of how it wasn’t holding up to my own standards.”
“So the thought of quitting upset you.”
I looked hard at Josh. I wasn’t sure if I was on the brink of tearing up again. I wouldn’t tear up again and it took only a moment for my solid resolve to come storming through. I held his gaze and said, “It did. More than I ever expected.”
His eyes crinkled at the edges. He threw back his head and let out a bark of a laugh.
My face paled. A frown creased my brow. “Are you laughing at me!?”
“With you, my dear, with you” he tried to assure me. “I would love to read your piece. When an author evokes her own emotion in words…aren’t you laughing now, too?”
I sat stunned. Was I? Was I glad to know the thought was so upsetting no matter all the many logical reasons I tried to come up with for stopping? Wasn’t the force of the emotion I felt proof to me it was worth continuing? It was and maybe that was what I needed to share. And I grinned and I smiled and I laughed with Josh at the table.
The door opened and I turned in the midst of my chuckling.
Erik stood at the door. He held the doorknob in the same way I had when I first arrived. I stood up immediately and reached my arms up around him. I placed a kiss on his check and released him to see the startled look on his face. I was smiling and he smoothed the front of his jacket with a long fingered hand as he raised a blond brow and stuttered, “I, I was told you were waiting for me.”
“I was,” I exclaimed. “But I need to be going now. Things are going fine and Josh here will,” I turned to point at Josh who was now standing behind me. “Josh will fill you in.” I turned to face Josh and extended my hand. “You will let Erik know everything is fine, won’t you?”
“Of course,” he acknowledged as he shook and released my hand.
I turned again and walked past Erik. He stepped aside as I went through the door. I turned to both tall men now looking toward me and gave them a wave. “Thanks so much,” I said and left them in conference room C as I made my way down the long corridor that was getting shorter with my every step.
TT