Sink or swim

I am engulfed in thoughts.  I am being pulled into the undertow of ideas and notes.  I feel like I am suffocating in the depths and not sure if I will make it to the surface to gasp in that much needed breath. 
I have an enormous amount of work to do.  I keep floundering with the direction of my book and fighting the disappointment of knowing I wasn't able to complete a simple first draft in a years' time.
I thought I was okay with the fact that I hadn't finished but somehow seeing the text staring back at me, admitting I failed,  left me with a feeling of being less than zero, more than blank.  It was a failed attempt and there wasn't a way to fix it.  Not this year anyway.
So that was yesterday and although not too much more has happened since then I have had an explosion on my desk.  Not literally.  If I thought that would have helped I would have engaged my feeble mind to do that a week ago.  It has been close to a week that I started pulling out not only my printed pages of the book I have written so far but every index card, pages (upon pages) of notes and character sketches, plot lines and story goal.  I have an explosion of paper on my desk, scattered at different times during the past week on every surface of my desk and laptop keyboard.  I haven't re-read a single word written except what is contained in all the notes.  No real progress has been made except the sorting of pencil loaded scribbles across pages and cards.  That much has taken me a week.  Not too much work to show.  None really.  Messing up your desk doesn't count as work.
But since I am taking total sole responsibility for this perceived failure I am allowing myself a way back that is my own.  I started this project so unsure about what I was doing that I followed books and advice on every which way that was supposed to be the better or the right way to do it.  I didn't always follow my own instincts but wanted so badly to do it right I went along with the advice that might not have been best for me.  Not only did it not turn out right but it didn't turn out at all.  So yesterday I wrote myself a note that states...I make my own rules!  and another in underlined large letters ... It's okay.
I feel like I might be better equipped this time around.  I realized the need for some changes that I will implement.  I have more preliminary work to figure out before anything is re-read or re-written.  But I have some solid ideas that has modified my original story goal.  I have a better idea how to start fleshing out my outline.  I have filled in some history on characters that should propel their motivations.  That seems fairly major and so much better to me. 
I have an enormous amount of work to do but instead of letting it all pull me down, I might be able to catch a breath after all.
TT